Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Lollipop, Lollipop, Oh Lolli, Lollipop

Sometimes I feel like I'm holding onto my sanity by a very thin thread. Its as if at any given moment it could be gone and there would be me: catatonic and numb. I don't know if that's giving up so much as just giving in. At some point I will just get to that place emotionally and say "all right, universe, you win." I try so hard to believe that there is something in me that's strong, something that will hold me upright through this tempest of horrible things. But let's face it...I can't even handle the normal, everyday stresses of life without turning to one self destructive behavior or another. What the hell am I doing here? What is the point of me at all? Part of me wants to live, but I don't want to do the work. I want to sink into the madness, let it envelop me like a really good dream. Because the alternative is to accept the nightmare, which is my life.

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