Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Fairly Badparents

Originally posted Jan. 28, 2009

I get a lot of flack from a lot of people for letting Liv watch "South Park". Apparently this makes me a terrible parent. And maybe that's true. I don't deny that my parenting skills are amateur on a good day. I don't deny that I struggle with the complex nature of proper bedtimes, balanced meals, and the importance of saying "No". I do, however, take great pride in the fact that I'm a better mother than Susan Smith, Andrea Yates, and all those mothers on Lifetime made-for-TV movies "suffering" from Munchausen's by Proxy. At least my kid is still alive and not slowly dying from arsenic poisoning. Her teeth may be rotting out of her mouth with multiple cavities from all the candy I use to bribe her to behave herself, but they're just her milk teeth. I'll get it right with the second set, I promise.

South Park might not be the most appropriate TV for a toddler. But I have this to say about South Park: At least the parents on this show seem to give a fuck about their kids. No matter what horrible shit those kids pull, no matter how mouthy they get, no matter how they curse, or lie, or run away, or see imaginary feces singing Christmas tunes, their parents are there for them when it counts. I can't say the same from what I see of the parents on most traditional children's programming, Compared to them, I might just be Mother of the Fucking Year.

Take for instance, Dora the Explorer - This poor little girl. Her parents are so selfish that they have basically signed over all their parental rights to a backpack. And even though the thing does contain limitless amounts of useful objects and monies, it's no replacement for, you know, actual emotional support from loving parents. A magic backpack isn't going to wipe her tears, remind her to brush her teeth before bed, or, most importantly, deliver a well-deserved spanking to her bratty ass on occasion. Besides, that backpack is a sycophant. Dora needs a parent not an accessory that answers to her every whim and desire.
Dora's parents suck. Instead of spending quality time with their daughter or perhaps sending her to school once in a while, they send Dora off every day on "adventures", with not so much as a "Be careful". Most of these adventures happen to involve regular encounters with a conniving fox whose sole purpose in life is to fuck with her and steal her belongings. This Swiper character is really my favorite. He steals Dora's shit and then hides it. It's like he doesn't even steal the stuff because he wants it;He steals it for the sheer pleasure of watching Dora and her friends get upset and scramble around trying to find it. And then there's her frequent encounters with the grumpy, old troll who, if you ask me, more closely resembles a grumpy, old child molester. And let's not forget that malevolent witch who taunts and threatens her with ungodly world calamities (e.g. stealing Springtime) unless she and her monkey friend perform dangerous tasks at her behest.

Damn Scary if you ask me

I guess ever since the unmonikered twins were born, Mami and Papi are just too busy to spend more than a second or two at a time with their eldest daughter. Poor Dora has to fend for herself like some sort of feral cat. It's a good thing she has a naked monkey, a cow, a buck-toothed squirrel in a technicolor dream coat, and a marauding marching band of bugs to look after her. She's got quite a menagerie of incompetent guardians but they can never fill that empty place in her heart left by Mami and Papi's absence.

Here's a perfect example of what could happen if you let your daughter be raised by a backpack, a monkey, and a map:

Yeah, she might end up endorsing products that purport to be children's toys but in reality are meant to penetrate woman's vaginas. (Now that I think about it, I might have to get one of these. Dildo incognito)

And look at her cousin Diego. I mean parental neglect must run in this fucking family. Diego lives in a tree house and has constant forays into the jungle with zero adult supervision. His everyday activities there include, but are not limited to, playing with deadly, carniverous animals, hang gliding, white water rafting, and rescuing venomous snakes. In the rare moments his parents are seen onscreen, they appear to be more interested in helping endangered animals than in caring for their own offspring. Diego, though a minor child, is often seen driving a car, riding a jet ski, and travelling by way of zip line. Diego's parents are negligent assholes, and I, for one, think cockroaches are better equipped to raise healthy human beings.

And what's the deal with Calliou's parents? They look good on paper, true. But when you really stop to think about it, they're the most passive aggressive people you'll ever encounter. When Calliou misbehaves they
always make him talk about his feelings. Fuck that shit. What ever happened to good old fashioned ass
whoopings? Calliou is a pussy just like his dad. And when are they going to openly acknowledge the fact that
their son has a severe case of alopecia? Ignoring it isn't go to make everything okay. Kid is bald. Time to start
talking about that shit. If this were South Park, you just know Chef would be singing a little ditty about how
"we need to show everyone we care, even if they don't have any hair". Granted, he might end the song talking
about the bald nubian goddess he fucked years ago, but at least there's a dialogue about the issue. Calliou's baldness is like the elephant in the fucking room and it's high time they addressed it.

Then there's Fairly Oddparents, a show which details the adventures of Timmy Turner and his fairy godparents. And thank the Lord Jesus for those damn fairies, because Timmy's Fairly Negligent Parents seem to be so self-involved that they fail to notice the regular abuse he receives at the hands of a sadistic, psychopathic babysitter named Vicky.

Dragontales? Should be called "Dragon your ass to family court for a parental competency hearing". Where the hell are these kids' parents when they're taking constant forays into magical lands? Why doesn't anybody know they're gone? I could go and on about the horrible parenting skills and the dysfunctional relationships I see on Nick Jr and Sprout every day. I could write an entire thesis paper on Disney Moms & Dads and their numerous parental transgressions. Maybe one day I will. But I think I've more than proven my point with what I've already laid out here. I rest my case. The verdict? I'm a better parent than these assholes any day of the week. The damages you're going to pay me for talking shit about me for letting Livy watch South Park? Leave me the hell alone about it. And buy me a Starbucks cafe mocha with extra whip cream. Then, and only then, will I grant you an official pardon.


  1. Dragontales? Should be called "Dragon your ass to family court for a parental competency hearing"

    I laughed and laughed...

    Who cares if you let Liv watch South Park. People need to mind their own damn business if you ask me. -Jodi

  2. That was the best thing I have ever read in my life. You have once again out did yourself!!!

  3. Only you, Gwen. You're so funny.

  4. I absolutely love seeing the world through your eyes. The things you notice about those cartoon parents... you're a genius! Reading your blogs gives me an ab workout, girl! -Kacey

  5. Gwen!!! Definitely the funniest shit I have ever read!!! My kids liked it too! Wait, am I a bad parent for letting them read your vulgar words??? Ha! I love the line about you promising to do better with Liv's second set of teeth. I can SO relate to that one. Matty had like 15 fillings by the time he was 4. He has his adult teeth now and just got a freakin cavity!!!! WTF! - Angie

  6. Amen. I threatened to make a tshirt years ago that said "caillou is a pussy" and send my kid to preschool in it.

    I still might.

  7. HA! I would seriously wear one of those shirts. And I know a lot of other parents who would.

  8. Gwen you are so gifted and this is so spectacular. You had me dying and the dora the explorer dildo had me nearly pissing my pants, address the alopecia, my god your freaking hilarious. Thank to you for written this and to Kacey for posting the link on her page. I will be checking in often to read more.

    Heather McGuire

  9. I have sent this post to so many people...a favorie!

  10. Great post.

    (Next time, copy and paste the text of a post into a new one; that way it notifies people like me who only use a feed reader instead of clicking around to every site that you have something new.)

    I hope you're feeling better about things.

  11. Gwen...hope you're feeling ok...let us know how you're doing!