The great state of Pennsylvania has set up a lot of obstacles to those of us attempting to get our drink on. It's so fucking irritating that I can only buy wine and liquor in a state run store. When I visit other states and see alcohol on sale in convenience stores I just about have an orgasm. Seeing a bottle of KJ Merlot, a pack of cigarettes, and a pre-made sandwich on the same conveyor belt is an erotic experience for me.
You know what our liquor store in my neighborhood is called? The Wine & Spirits Shoppe. I hate people that spell shop in that old-timey way. Is that supposed to be quaint? Like a throw back to the good old days? There was nothing good or quaint about the days of yore. The days of yore were rife with racists, misogynists, and horse shit. I hate the good ole days. I hate people who spells things old-timey. You know what I don't hate though? Spirits. I love me some good fucking spirits.
It wasn't until recently that a very small number of our Wine & Spirits stores were even open on Sundays. Most Pennsylvanians are forced to teetotal on the Sabbath, or at the very least observe the commandment: Thou Shalt Not Purchase Spirits on the Seventh Day. It used to be easier to buy crack on a Sunday, than a bottle of wine. Some of us got up in arms about that. I don't know what could be a more un-American activity than preventing a person from buying a bottle of Whiskey on his day off.
Yet another obstacle: Pennsylvania law decrees that thou shall not sell Liquor and Beer at the same store. You have to buy your Heinekens at a completely different place than you buy your vodka.
My mother-in-law, who is from Florida, just can't get over our unjust and inconvienent system of alcohol dispensation.
"How can you stand not being able to purchase a bottle of wine when you buy your groceries?"
"Somehow, someway, I have survived. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
Do you think the fact that this bothers me so much means that I'm an alcoholic in the making? I can't claim the title yet, as I only drink on the weekends. A few things would have to happen for me to start imbibing enough to achieve alcoholic status.
1. Someone else I love dies
2. My doctor stops prescribing me good painkillers
3. Someone invents a fool-proof hangover cure
So that would be the alcoholic "big bang" for this girl. The hangover thing has been a deal breaker for me so far. Last summer, I went to the city to "party" with my girlfriend, Tina (who I only tried to kill once), and apparently had the time of my life. I don't remember a single thing after taking one giant hit off a blunt offered to me by some guy. Tina came up to me right as I'm standing in the huge cloud of smoke I just exhaled from my baby pink lungs.
"Gwennie...What have you done?"
"I just did one hit. It's no big deal." That's all I remember other than the following montage of images.
Me asking, "Am I being weird? I feel weird."
Me drinking. And drinking. And fucking drinking.
Me bent over a handrail in front of a Philadelphia apartment building, hurling.
There are no words to describe the horror of awakening to a new day. The only thing that would have made it worse is having Robin Williams' smug mug at my bedside.
"So what happened?" I whispered to Tina. She was sitting on the couch with some of my other friends, watching I Survived, and eating breakfast empanadas.
"You had a really good time."
"Was I weird?"
"The only thing weird was that you kept asking if you were being weird. Empanada?"
My stomach protested, violently. "Ummm. No. I only had ONE hit. ONE. How could this happen? What was in that shit?"
"Gwen, let this be a lesson to you. Never smoke anything handed to you by a shady black guy at one of my parties. NEVER. It will fuck you up."
Consider me fucking schooled. If I hadn't taken that hit, I wouldn't have drank so much. Weed is whack. My whole evening could have been an Above the Influence commercial. I love those commercials. They make me laugh and laugh and laugh. Especially when I'm high. But, seriously, hangovers are like tiny glimpses of Hell. I should get used to it, because I have a feeling that's where I'm fucking headed.
1 day ago