Thursday, September 6, 2007

I Don't Love Life, But Sometimes I Like It

Todd is watching football. And Liv is entertaining herself for once in her freaking life. Its a miracle. So I have a few minutes to "blog" and I was told that I must continue to "blog" or be murdered, so in the interest of staying alive, here goes. After reading an article entitled "phrases that make my blood boil", I got to thinking about a certain phrase that elicits the same response from me. That phrase being "She loved life". Every funeral, every tribute, every obituary, every fake conversation in a grocery store about a person who recently died, you can overhear some form of this term. It makes me want to hurl. At first I thought the reason behind this was obvious. Who doesn't love life? Who doesn't hold onto their existence no matter how pathetic or meaningless? When people say this aren't they stating the obvious while trying to sound deep and meaningful? But the more I think about it...No. My question is, How the hell do you know that she loved life? Does anybody ever really come out and say "I love life"? You'd never hear it from these lips, that's for damn sure.

I don't love life. Sometimes I like life. Sometimes, I'm a little fond of life. But mostly, I just tolerate it. Every night when I go to bed it is such a relief, I'm thinking "God, i'm glad that's over". And when I wake up in the morning, I feel what can only be described as disappointment. Like, again? I have to do this again? I resurrect to the same day over and over. The same sinkful of dishes with food caked all over them, the same clothes in the dryer that I keep running over and over again because I convince myself that if I can just manage to take them out when they're still hot I won't have to iron anything, the same kitty litter needing to be changed, the same whiny (but beautiful) child asking for juice, the same god damn Berkheimer tax bill that will never, ever get paid. Do you realize the majority of our lives are spent doing things we don't really want to do? And the one thing that we actually love doing, which is sleeping of course, we don't really get to enjoy because we're, well, asleep. I don't know, maybe heaven is like sleeping but knowing what it feels like to be asleep. that would be awesome. maybe this is depressing to you, so i'm sorry. The way i see it, though, is the pursuit of happiness is pretty futile. I mean,there are millionaires out there, people who can ostensibly BUY love and joy, that are miserable. What makes us think we stand a chance?

So I'm going to sleep...the closest thing to heaven I know. Sweet dreams.

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