"Here's your apple juice, sweetie." She looks intently at the contents of her sippy cup.
"Is that a black thing in there?" Her little nose scrunching with distaste.
"No. What are you talking about?"
"I think I see a black thing. I don't want this."
"I don't want this chicken, mom."
"Why?" My question infused with my signature sigh.
"There's black things all over it." She starts pushing her plate away and then panicking, "Take it away. TAKE IT AWAY!"
So I look and see that the "black things" she's referring to are actually the chargrilled part of the chicken. So I take the pieces of chicken and I systematically and thoroughly remove each and every "black thing" from them. Nobody can ever tell me I'm not a good mother. I removed "black things" from chicken. I am
A few weeks ago - I am bathing her and suddenly, like out of nowhere, she emits this blood curdling scream from her obviously healthy, baby pink lungs. I'm like, "Honey are you in pain? What's wrong? Oh my god, sweet Jesus, what is wrong?" She's standing up now desperately trying to get out of the tub, buck naked and wet, shampoo in hair, wiggling like a sea snake, screaming, screaming. It was downright fucking terrifying. Finally she says, through frantic tears, "There's, there's, there's.... a "black thing" in there". Black thing. BLACK THING. This is coming from a child who literally took a wet dump in the bathtub and refused to come out because she wasn't done "playing". She was completely fine with playing in a tub of feces. But a "black thing"? No fucking way. I searched the tub after I calmed her down and I indeed found the source of her complete and utter despair. It was a tiny rock. My girl is whacked.
I don't know when or where this fear of "black things" took root. Some early trauma that I was too self-involved to notice was even occurring perhaps. But I'll you what. I am planning on using this bizarre phobia to my advantage. The next time she misbehaves, I'm going to put a shitload of pepper on her mashed potatoes. And breakfast? Lemon poppy seed mini-muffins. That'll learn her not to defy her