Nickelodeon Gothic

Apparently there is this website where you can order a custom made Dora the Explorer DVD that is basically an episode of the show featuring Dora and her ilk making their way to your child's birthday party. You are supposed to send them a photo of his or her face and the animators pretty much just paste your child's face on a cartoon character's head. I think this is actually a pretty cool gift and I've been thinking about getting one for my daughter. It reminds me of when I was little and my mom bought me a Sesame Street book that had me as a character in the story. It was really exciting for me because nothing ever had my name on it when I was growing up. I even remember one of the lines in the story, "Put out an APB!" I guess it stood out in my mind because I had no idea what it meant at the time. I don't even know what it means now.

Anyway, if I were to purchase this Dora the Explorer custom made episode, I wonder if they would allow me to pay extra to have some other shit put in. For one, I'd love to see a scene where Swiper comes on-screen and starts yelling at Dora, "Dora no whining, Dora no whining!" Or how about a scene where Boots runs into his monkey friends and they all mock him mercilessly for wearing a pair of boots and trying to be all human and shit? Wouldn't that be kind of cool? It would be a very special lesson in how you shouldn't try to be something that you're not. How about if one time they took out the map and he said, "How come you only fucking talk to me when you need something? Find your own way to the Lost City of the Snow Princess". I would also love a scene, or maybe even a whole episode, devoted to Tico coming out the closet and finally admitting that he's gay. He's got the styling coat already, coming out is just the natural next step. And why the hell is that cow blue? The squirrel purple? In any case, I would pay a lot of money to see Swiper stab Dora and her weirdly hued friends with an icepick. They would probably bleed rainbows and kitty cats. Does this mean I need help?

I know I've been obsessing a little bit about children's programming lately. I just can't help myself. My daughter loves this shit. And it disturbs me. I remember a hundred years ago when I didn't have a baby yet, I used to opine to all my friends that I would NEVER let my child, should I have the misfortune of having one, watch Barney, Teletubbies, or any of that other creepy shit. I mean have you seen that show where it's just hands with faces painted on? Oogy or something? I don't know. But Liv loves it all. She dances to the stupid ass songs, repeats the words they tell her to say like some mindless drone. Sometimes I feel disappointed in her for loving it so much. I want her to be above it all.

I guess what bothers me most of all about the shows is the sickeningly sweet, smile saturated, gag-inducing, happiness. It's just happiness overload. Even in the face of all the evils that I outlined in my other blog, nothing bad happens that can't be overcome. And nobody gets in trouble because Hello! there aren't any parents doing any actual parenting in these magical universes. No body's confused about their sexual identity (well except Tico), nobody gets blindsided by a sucker punch for wearing a stupid hat. Why can't they include anything real? I feel like I'm letting these people lie to my child about the world. I don't want to be complicit in that. It's a harsh, harsh world we live in and I don't want Liv to look at me, tears streaming down her face, at sixteen and say, "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you warn me about this shit?" And then turn on her heel, run into her room and slam the door and hate me forever. Or worse, be Gothic.

If she EVER came home with a white face and black lipstick wearing a crushed velvet Rennaissance Faire dress there would be hell to pay. And by hell I mean my foot kicking her in her dramatic ass. I would even buy a new pair of boots for the ass kicking. It would be a special occasion. What is wrong with those people? Why are they so hell bent on letting everyone know they're in pain? Obviously, I don't exactly hide that fact about myself either. But I express this shit properly, in a blog. I don't go to the CVS and try to elicit reactions from the guy I'm buying a pack of gum from. Jesus Christ. What really fucking annoys me is when these people try to act all offended when people "judge" them. I've heard a few of those kids say, "Why are people always looking at me? God!" or "Don't think you know everything about me just because of the way I dress." They act all annoyed about the attention but you know that's EXACTLY what they want. They live for that shit. They long for it deep down in their bleeding hearts. I hate them.

So, I let her watch her stupid shows. And I don't punish her for it or anything. But every once in a while I make my displeasure known. Wubbzy will do something exceedingly dumb and I will point it out to her. And we will laugh and laugh and laugh together at these stupid morons. That's one of the million things I love about my girl. She gets it. Liv knows why it's funny when somebody falls. Liv knows why it's funny when she falls. And if she can always remember to laugh at herself, maybe, just maybe, by the grace of god, she won't become a stupid Gothic kid in desperate need of an ass kicking.