Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Cracking Gum, Cracking Skulls


People who crack their gum in public should be executed. Well maybe not executed exactly but, at the very least, forced to do some serious hard labor. Every time I'm in the vicinity of a person chewing and cracking gum, or worse, blowing bubbles, I honestly find my fists clenched so hard that my fingernails break skin and my palms bleed. It's all I can do to keep from pummeling that person in a furious, chaotic display of violence. I remember hearing that awful story about the middle aged man who murdered a young guy on a bus in Canada. Seemingly the murder was unprovoked. It was a horrifyingly awful crime, no doubt. But you know what my first thought was? "I wonder if that young guy was cracking his gum." I bet he was.

You know who else stirs a terrifying rage in me? People who throw cigarette butts out of their cars. When I'm driving behind somebody and I see a butt just pop out I have to contain the severe urge to ram into the back of the car. The only thing that stops me is that I don't want the hassle of having to take out my insurance card and pretend to be sorry. Too much fucking work. My hatred for people that litter the roadways with this particular type of trash knows no bounds. My husband, Todd, is one of those people. And when I see him throw his just smoked cigarette out the window, I hate his guts too. I'm an equal opportunity hater. I don't care who you are. If you fucking piss me off, in that moment that I am pissed off, I will hate you.

Every once in a while, Todd and I and the rest of my family, will get up off our lazy asses and do some sort of 5k Walk to support breast cancer research. I mean I really don't understand what our taking a walk is proving, but apparently it's a powerful statement. Actually, I guess it is. We are not so much 5K people as we are 5 Keg people. We have to feel pretty passionate about a subject to not only walk that far, but use money that would otherwise be spent on beer and tacos to pay to walk that far. I guess breast cancer is a worthy enough cause, considering my sister died of it and all.


One year, I dragged Todd to one of these Race for the Cure events. Only it was more like "Mosey along" for the Cure, if you ask me. So we were taking our sweet old time meandering down the well-worn macadem path, and Todd takes out a cigarette.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm having a smoke. What does it look like?" And he lights it up.

"Ummm...this is a fucking "Cancer" walk. Do you really think it's appropriate to be smoking a cigarette?"

"Nobody is even around." I looked around. I think we were in last place.

"Whatever."

So he's smoking, and I'm fuming, and we're walking along just being our charitable, happy selves. After he takes his last drag, he tosses his butt onto the ground.

"Oh my god. We're at a state park, why are you littering?" I'm a total bitch, right? I was on a roll. He just laughed and ignored me. That is always the way. So I turned around and picked up the butt, sort of patted it on the pavement and chucked it in my purse to throw away in the next trash bin I passed. I just couldn't bear to leave it there on the ground. It just felt wrong.

So we're continuing on our little journey and chatting it up. The next thing I know there is SMOKE coming out of my purse. "What the fuck is that?" He says. So I open my purse and see that there is a little fire going on in there. I guess I didn't put out the cigarette all the way and it went ahead and lit my purse on fire. I throw my purse on the ground and start stomping on it like a crazy woman. Just as I'm jumping on my purse, a few stragglers in the "race" pass us. Of course. Of fucking course. See this is what I get for trying to be a "good" person. I get my handbag burnt all up.

What is the moral to this story? If I had to find one, if pressed, I would have to say that the moral is this: When things piss you off, don't try and make fucking nice. Crack skulls instead. Oh and cracking gum makes you look like an uneducated piece of trash.

30 comments:

  1. I think the moral of this story is if you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

    Or something like that.

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    Replies
    1. I am David Eric,I want to say thank to dr.trust for everything he did in my life. To everyone who doesn't believe in spell, I was one like you at first. I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to do this since I've tried others so-called spells casters and they did not work and was a waste of my time and money. However, when I read so many testimonials of dr.tust how he help people to get back their ex lover. dr.tust answered all my questions and was very nice about everything, I decided to give him a try. I figured it would be my last try to get my ex girlfriend back. i email dr.trust and tell him everything.he let me know which spells would be most appropriate for me and I chose the one that was to get her back to me and stay with me and to marry me.As soon as he finish the spells, my girlfriend came back into my life! It was a miracle to me and I’m so thankful to him, that is why i am sharing this testimony to those who need his help. Things have been going well, and pretty much according to what dr.trust said would happen. I’m very happy for the love spell dr.trust have done for me, my ex girlfriend is now back to me and we are living so happy. if you asked me or my friends if I would have anticipated how things were right now…no one would believe it! contact is email address (ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com or ultimatespellcast@gmail.com tell +2348156885231)

      Delete
  2. Oops. Setting your purse on fire is not a good thing.

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  3. Oh I hate the butt-throwers. Especially the still lit butt-throwers. I always imagine it landing in a puddle of oil or gas or napalm or something and blowing us all up.

    Not to mention that with close to 50 million smokers in the country, if they all throw even one butt out each day, that's a huge pile of litter.

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  4. Smoking at a cancer walk. That's kinda like wearing shorts at an amputee festival. And if there's one thing worse than cracking gum, it's cracking knuckles. I hate that.

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  5. Nutmeg - If I'm understanding you correctly, you mean that by me telling folks what enrages me, they just might refrain from those behaviors in my presence? Or they are amply warned that a skull cracking is immiment if they choose to persist in those behaviors? I hope I'm right in interpreting your words. I don't know what's wrong with me lately, but I'm having a hard time understanding things.

    Magpie - yeah, I know. Thank god I only buy cheapie purses. If it had been some Prada bag or something I would have been a lot more upset.

    Gina - I think the same thing a lot. You just never know, there really could be some napalm spilled on the street.

    Here in franklin - wearing shorts at an amputee festival. hee. Cracking knuckles also makes me want to crack skulls. Why am I annoyed by everything?

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  6. Next time I'll wrap my cigarette in gum before throwing it out the window, so hold your fire.

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  7. I am the most trashy uneducated bitch you know. Well, actually, I'm a highly educated neat freak. But, you know, that cigarettes and gum thing? I would be getting your husband a t-shirt for pulling that delicious stunt during the walk. And I would smack my gum while I was giving it to him.

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  8. Mongolian Girl - I love you for saying that! You can crack gum and toss cigs out your car window. You have a perpetual pardon because you are awesome.

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  9. I agree with the whole cracking gum and throwing butts out car windows.

    You husband smoking at a cancer walk is kind of funny though.

    Having you purse catch on fire is even funnier.

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  10. I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

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  11. I am so, so glad that you understand my point of view on both situations. My Mother smokes, and she likes to dump the butts of her cigarette out of her car as well. It's absolutely tasteless. And to be honest, it's really embarassing.

    AND THE GUM! LET ME BE A TEENAGER AND INJECT AN ZOMG HERE! I HATE PEOPLE WHO SMACK THEIR GUM!

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  12. Napalm? I like that. (Anyone who was injured by napalm in the time associated with the Vietnam War, I do not mean any disrespect)

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  13. You know what I love doing? Pissing people off, so they can get all mad and go postal. And crack skulls.

    You'd be fun at a party . . .

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  14. I laughed out loud when I read the story about the purse fire. That's hilarious!

    And drop me your email when you get a chance .... you've left me some comments that I want to respond to and acknowledge. Lest I end up writing a novella here, me thinks an email may be more appropriate. Especially since we're BFFs now. ....babs

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  15. Did you know that 78% of gum crackers are actually crack heads? It's true. Now their little secret is exposed.

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  16. My husband has abandon me and the kids for the the past 8months now, and refuse to come back because he was hold on by a woman whom he just met, for that, my self and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but I decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then I went online there I saw so many good talk about this spell caster whose email is onimalovespell@gmail.com so I had to contact him and explain my problem to him and in just 3days as he has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man i got married to. I cant thank the spell caster enough for what he did for me, i am so grateful and i will never stop to publish his name on the internet for the good work he has done for me,once again his email is onimalovespell@gmail.com

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  17. i want to thank God for using dr. Zaco as my source of savior after 2year of joblessness and my lover left me alone for 2 years,Have just been heart broken until i go in contact with dr. Zaco after i saw a ladies testimony on how she was helped by this same dr. So i decided to get in contact with him and when i told him all my problems he laughed and said this is not a problem that everything will be ok in 3 days time.Exactly the 3rd day my ex lover called me i was shocked and what surprise me the most was that a company i applied for over 4 month called me and said i should resume work as soon as possible.Am so grateful to dr Zaco if you wish in contacting him Zacospelltemple@yahoo.com

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  18. Am giving this testimony because someone out there may have similar problem My Husband doesn’t think polygamy is wrong. He has been seeing another girl for about four months now. I told him that he needs to stop, but he says he is in love with her. They’ve talked about being together “forever” and eventually her moving in with us. My husband still loves me. He regrets getting into this in the first place, but is not willing to just break up with her. He says if they so break up then thy will be it and he will not pursue another relationship. I contacted Dr. Zaco a spell caster who cast a 24 hour spell for me surprisingly my husband came home on his knees begging me to forgive him that he has broke up with his mistress all thanks to Dr.Zaco I pray that God will continue to use you to help people. Friends don’t die in silent because someone like Dr.Zaco has a solution to your problem is living happily with my family. Contact him via Zacospelltemple@yahoo.com

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  19. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster called Dr.ogala, have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 2 days that i will have my husband back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband. His email: Ogalalovespell@yahoo.com website
    http://ogalalovespell.webs.com

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  20. My ex-boy dumped me 4 months ago after I accused him of seeing another woman and insulting him.I want her back in my life but she refused to have any contact with me. She changed her line and email address. I was so confuse and don't know what to do. So I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimonies of how a this powerful spell caster help them to get their ex back. So I contact the spell caster whose name is Dr trust and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 2days that my ex will return to me, and to my greatest surprise the Second day my ex came knocking at my door and i immediately pleaded and ask her to forgive me. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,i was awarded a contract of 5 Million Pound for 4 years. Once again thank you Dr trust,you are truly talented and gifted. Email: { UILTIMATESPELLCAST@GMAIL.COM }. He is the only answer. He can be of great help and I will not stop publishing his good work because people are still talking about him on the Internet and Radio Stations. or (Ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com) call +2348156885231

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  21. I have found through experience spell caster that works in 3days , the only person who can really affect the outcome, and make it work, is you, i believe in your spell dr baba , I testify of the powerful spell you cast for me to bring back my ex girlfd and it work for me. and i have full 100% faith for any of you that is under going heart brake should give him a try and see what will happen in three days . my email is jackmarson@gmail.com .and the great doctor that bring joy to my relationship via email is worldwidesupremetemple@gmail.com , good luck Posted by: jeck

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  22. i just want to say a big thank you to BABA for what he has done for me,he brought back the man i loved and cherish with all my heart, A man who left me for another woman for good 3 years,with 2 kids,i just decided to check some spell caster's but all kept deceiving me,until i met Dr baba ,who told me everything will be over i tough he was also a scam.until he told me that my ex will be back in 2 days time.am so grateful today that my ex is back to me and we are happy and he always wanna be by my side,i will advice you people not to fall in the wrong hands but to contact Dr baba who is trustworthy and straight forward,you can contact him via email, worldwidesupremetemple@gmail.com

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  23. Thanks be to God that i have found some one like Dr tatota the great man who help me out when my lover left me, i have being a relationship with my lover for over seven years before i knew it my husband started dating his office girl when i cut them in the hotel room i ask my husband what is going on here he just told me what am seeing is what is going on if i can take it i should live it and allow him to live his life the way he want to,it just like a dream to me that my husband did such to me after staying for seven years i cried all over the day and night no help till the day i was passing by my friend called me and told me that i am look so stress up i told him every thing that happen to me he said i should not cry again that he we introduce me to one great man that help her out when she was like me too that is how i contacted Dr tatota on his email ; tatotaspellcaster@yahoo.com and his phone number +2348114162478 to my greatest surprise after Dr tatota cast a spell on me in just 24hours my husband called me for forgiveness and beg me to come back home that is how my husband came back to me all with the help of Dr odudu here is the email tatotaspellcaster@yahoo.com if not this man dont contact any body contact Dr tatota his the only man that is bless with so much power am happy today is the help of Dr tatota. EMAIL; tatotaspellcaster@yahoo.com PHONE NUMBER ; +2348114162478 MARYLINE FROM U S A

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  24. I’m Mercy brown by name I have a few testimony to share with you all about myself, I was in a relationship with this guy and for 3years and we were about getting married when we both have misunderstanding with each other and he ask me for a divorce and we both agreed and after 4months I head that he was having an affair with one of my closest friend and I was very upset and worried so a friend of my advice me and told me if I still love my ex and if I really want to have him back so I told her yes, and she ask me to contact Dr. Madurai the spell caster and I did although I never believe on spell so he gave me something when he was casting the spell and ask me to say my wishes on it and after the casting of the spell a receive a phone call from my ex and was ask me at which I did and now we are back together again I’m so happy and I wish not to ever have this mistake again in my life. I will also advice anyone with this kind of issue to contact him for help he is really nice on phone and always there to answer you question giving you the good advice that you need. his email is maduraitemple@yahoo.com

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  25. I am David Eric,I want to say thank to dr.trust for everything he did in my life. To everyone who doesn't believe in spell, I was one like you at first. I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to do this since I've tried others so-called spells casters and they did not work and was a waste of my time and money. However, when I read so many testimonials of dr.tust how he help people to get back their ex lover. dr.tust answered all my questions and was very nice about everything, I decided to give him a try. I figured it would be my last try to get my ex girlfriend back. i email dr.trust and tell him everything.he let me know which spells would be most appropriate for me and I chose the one that was to get her back to me and stay with me and to marry me.As soon as he finish the spells, my girlfriend came back into my life! It was a miracle to me and I’m so thankful to him, that is why i am sharing this testimony to those who need his help. Things have been going well, and pretty much according to what dr.trust said would happen. I’m very happy for the love spell dr.trust have done for me, my ex girlfriend is now back to me and we are living so happy. if you asked me or my friends if I would have anticipated how things were right now…no one would believe it! contact is email address (ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com or ultimatespellcast@gmail.com tell +2348156885231)

    ReplyDelete
  26. I am David Eric,I want to say thank to dr.trust for everything he did in my life. To everyone who doesn't believe in spell, I was one like you at first. I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to do this since I've tried others so-called spells casters and they did not work and was a waste of my time and money. However, when I read so many testimonials of dr.tust how he help people to get back their ex lover. dr.tust answered all my questions and was very nice about everything, I decided to give him a try. I figured it would be my last try to get my ex girlfriend back. i email dr.trust and tell him everything.he let me know which spells would be most appropriate for me and I chose the one that was to get her back to me and stay with me and to marry me.As soon as he finish the spells, my girlfriend came back into my life! It was a miracle to me and I’m so thankful to him, that is why i am sharing this testimony to those who need his help. Things have been going well, and pretty much according to what dr.trust said would happen. I’m very happy for the love spell dr.trust have done for me, my ex girlfriend is now back to me and we are living so happy. if you asked me or my friends if I would have anticipated how things were right now…no one would believe it! contact is email address (ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com or ultimatespellcast@gmail.com tell +2348156885231)

    ReplyDelete
  27. "" HOW I GOT MY EX BOYFRIEND BACK""

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    ReplyDelete
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