Somebody Save Me

Anxiety. I kind of have a problem with it. It's not crippling or anything. Just weird shit like irrational, uncalled-for behaviors. For instance, every night before I can fall into a peaceful sleep I have to lock my bedroom door. I am terrified of being awakened in the night by a knife wielding psychopath. Aren't we all a little bit afraid of that? I realize that this bedroom door locking tactic is highly ineffective. If a murderer is capable of disabling the bolt lock on my front door, what makes me think he wouldn't be able to break through a much weaker lock? I'm a moron.


I know exactly when this particular fear of mine took root. I had just given birth to Liv and for the first time in like a quarter century I was home during the day to watch TV. Do you even understand what kind of sinister programming is on during the day? American Justice, City Confidential, Cold Case Files. It was just murder, murder, and more murder. Everything was coming up stabbings. There was a serial killer lurking around every corner. There was a serial killer lurking in every heart. My husband would come home from work and I would wonder, "When is he going to put a bullet in my head?" You just never know about people. Is it just me or does it seem like Bill Curtis hosts every single one of those true crime shows? After a while, Bill Curtis became the only person in the whole world I could trust. I fantasized about him and I having a super safe life together. His very voice, deep and sexy, would be enough to scare off any potential attackers. Honestly, who would fuck with Bill Curtis? His voice is better than a gun. I think I'm in love with him.

My anxiety got so bad at one point that I was constantly looking in closets and under beds and in my shower just to make sure there wasn't someone hiding in there waiting to do me and my baby harm. I still do that once in a while. Like I said, weird shit. Todd tried to reassure me. "If anyone tries to hurt you I will fuck them up with my bare hands." Riiiiight. He seems to think that his right hook is more potent than a bullet. I beg to differ. After months of dealing with my angsty bullshit, Todd finally said, "You have to stop watching these shows." And he was right. It was hard to give them up. I don't know if it was Bill Curtis or my strange attraction to ghoulish stories, but I was addicted to that shit. It's been a long, hard road and I'm still dealing with the aftermath. Now excuse me while I go take a Valium.