Sunday, January 18, 2009

Nuts and Bubbles

You know you had an awesome weekend when it can only be described accurately as a cross between that movie Misery and an episode of the Brady Bunch. Let me start off by explaining that it had been a while since I saw my friend Tina. I've been bugging her to come over and see me for months. She lives ALL the way in the city and I'm just too lazy to go there to visit her. So, at my repeated behest, she catches a ride to the suburbs to visit her lame, suburban-drone friend Gwen. And I, for one, wasn't about to let her get away once I got her in my lair.

<------Unsuspecting victim of diabolical scheme

After we spent a pretty lazy and very awesome day of watching TV and fucking with a few desperately lonely people on dating sites, I decided it was time to strike. The first part of my diabolical plan: Sedation. I offered her a Valium. I knew she couldn't resist the lure of a tiny blue pill. Who can? I took one myself, you know, just to lull her into a false sense of security.

The second part of my plan: Incapacitate. I arranged a bag of pistachios in a place where I knew she was sure to see them. I knew she couldn't resist the lure of a bag of pistachios. Who can? It wasn't 10 minutes after eating them that she started to feel strange.

"My tongue feels weird."

"You're fine. Your tongue looks normal to me, Tina."

"No, I really think there's something wrong with me."

She gets up to go look in the mirror. I follow her and we stand side by side in front of the mirror, looking at her face break out in hives and swell up like a puffer fish. I laugh internally, with the same maniacal laughter of scheming villians around the world. Everything is working out according to my ultimate design.

Her panic is palpable.

"What the fuck is wrong with me?"

"Dude, maybe it was the pistachios"

"But I'm not allergic to pistachios...make it stop...make the itching stop! I'm not allergic to pistachios."

"I guess you are now."

Thus commences the third part of my plan: More sedation. I run to the pharmacy across the street to pick up some extra-extra-extra strength Benadryl. Yeah, she's not going anywhere for a long time.

When I get back, she's laying on my couch looking like an alien. My lap top is sitting next to her with the screen open to "Nut allergies". On this page is information about nut allergic reactions, namely swelling, itching, watery eyes, dread. And also a little thing called "anaphylactic shock" of which a primary result is Death.

Now death was not part of my diabolical plan. But I had a knife and a straw handy in case I needed to perform an emergency tracheotomy. And it was really worth the risk to keep Tina around for another night, in my opinion. In life, sometimes you have to weigh your options. And I have to admit there was a small part of me that wanted to know what it felt like to make a hole in a person's throat and then stick a straw in it to help her breathe. Like the way you see doctors on TV do when they're in the episode where they're buying a pack of gum at a convenience store and it gets held up by a robber and then there is a hostage situation and somebody gets hurt and they're like "get out of my way, I'm a doctor, god damnit" and they start yelling at people to get them random objects like tampons, and straws, and vodka and razors. And then they show off their medical brilliance by saving a life, McGyver style. That appealed to me on some level. So it wasn't part of the original plan, but it would have been an unforeseen, though interesting side effect.

Unfortunately, anaphylaxis never set in. But she took a lot of Benadryl, which rounded out the last part of my plan. It was really satisfying to see my handiwork. There's Tina, laying on my couch, her face puffed up like a marshmallow, drooling, and unable to speak above a whisper because her tongue and throat were so swollen. This last was especially fortunate since I had a pizza delivered. Her weak cries for help went unheard by the delivery guy.

"Sssshhhh. It's going to be alright, now. If you start having trouble breathing, just blink twice. Gwenny will fix you right up in no time."

She looked so cute all helpless and tranquilized. I tucked her in with a thick comforter. It was going to be a long night...

...A long night of making her read my blogs and tell me how brilliant and interesting I am. Sometimes you have to drug people and make them have allergic reactions to pistachios to get them to read your stuff. Sometimes you have to make people suffer in unusual ways in order to get any compliments at all. Sometimes, this involves giving them some of your personal stash of Valium. But it's really worth it to get the undivided attention and the positive feedback. That was the best part of my weekend.

I should have enjoyed it while it lasted. Because by this morning she was feeling good again. Good enough to leave me. I should have gone with my gut and broken her ankles.

After we went out to breakfast, she went home, and it will probably be a while before she trusts me again. I'll have to come up with better plans in the interim. While I was at breakfast, Todd and Liv went grocery shopping for me. I'll tell you what happens when you send a grown man and a toddler to buy things off of a very legible and specific shopping list.

One of the items on my list was "Dishwasher detergent". See, I was completely out of dishwasher detergent and I was too busy executing a diabolical scheme to wash any of my dishes by hand. So Todd goes shopping, and buys dish detergent. Not dishwasher detergent, dish detergent. Do you see what is about to happen here? Anybody who owns a dishwasher knows that there is a big difference between these two items. Well, I guess anybody who ever uses a dishwasher knows that there is a big difference between these two items.

Todd, my special husband, sweet and trying so hard to do something that will make my heart glad, decides to run the dishwasher full of dirty dishes. Using dish detergent. So when I come in the door after breakfast, after releasing my friend from her imprisonment, what do I find in my kitchen, but bubbles, bubbles, everywhere. Yes, there are massive amounts of bubbles seeping from the bottom of my dishwasher. Bubbles spread out across the kitchen floor.

So here's Todd and me and Liv just laughing at the insanity of all the bubbles. I'll tell you it was a moment I'll never forget. It was the first day that I ever had a single thing in common with Bobby Brady. It was the first day my husband ever ran the dishwasher. It was the first day my kitchen floor ever got cleaned. It was a very big day. It was a very awesome weekend.

+= Awesome Weekend


  1. It's funny...after reading this I have a strange urge to make a Valium Pistachio Smoothie and lie on the couch.

    Drooling optional.

  2. Mmmm... That does sound divine. Well I have all the ingredients at my house. I promise if you came over I wouldn't break your ankles :) P.S. Thanks for the comment. You're the first person I don't know in real life to comment on my blog! Yay!