Wednesday, October 31, 2007


I'm restless tonight. No matter what I do, I can't relax. It has a lot to do with my mental states, a reflection of this inner turmoil which gives me zero rest. The only thing I can do to shut up the negative murmurings in my brain is to never stop. I fill my days with activity and tasks. I overload my schedule with doctor's appointments, training sessions, pilates classes, lunch with friends, work, cleaning. It never ends. But standing still would result in a breakdown. Or maybe not. I just don't want to take any chances. At least I'm working out again and doing so like a fiend. Pushing myself physically is one thing that could always stave off bouts of sadness and anxiety. So that is a positive side effect of this insanity, I suppose.

In July I spent a weekend at Kripalu, which is a yoga facility in the Berkshires. I remember feeling apprehensive on the way there, not knowing what to expect or whether or not I had committed myself to a weekend in some hippie commune hell. But my experience was profoundly soul revising, if that makes any sense at all. Its like I learned how to breathe again. The bare bones accomodations coupled with the exquisite natural surroundings really made an impact and reminded me of what was most important to me: becoming a simple woman living a simple life. Being a grown up in this modern world is so complicated. I hate it all the time. Sometimes I despise the things I own. Its not that I don't appreciate what I have. I just know deep inside that I don't need it all. And it makes me feel ashamed to think of the excess of materials that I've come to believe I need. Anyway, what I value most are those intangible elements of my life: moments playing "noseys" with Liv, making love at the spur of the moment with my husband, seeing a rainbow after a warm rain. It sounds so corny and cliche but its just true. And being at Kripalu taught me how to recognize what I truly need. I want to go there hone that skill, that ability to stop and tune in to what's really important and to recapture the feeling that stopping and being still is not going to destroy me. I think it may be the key to saving my life.

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