Friday, October 19, 2007

Patrick Dempsey Can't Buy Me Love

It pains me to say it, but I have developed a rich and vicious hatred for Patrick Dempsey. This isn't easy for me. It's a difficult job, this hating of an actor who started out so likable and promising. I still remember him, way back in 1987, when he played an awkward but adorable teenager who said "Nerds, jocks. My side, your side. It's all bullshit. Its hard enough just trying to be yourself" in that timeless classic Can't Buy Me Love. I especially loved him as Lily Manning's schizophrenic brother Aaron on Once and Again. I thought he did well on Will and Grace as Will's sports-fanatic boyfriend. And he still had my heart in Sweet Home Alabama as Reese Witherspoon's spurned fiance. I even yelled at the screen, "I'll marry you Andrew even if your mother is rat faced Candice Bergen!!"

So what happened? What caused this ignominious fall from grace? Four words: God damned Grey's Anatomy. Fucking show. The only thing I hate more than Patrick Dempsey is Grey's Anatomy and all its repugnant, STD ridden cast members. I saw it one time. I was very innocently switching around the channels, as is my wont. And then...all of a sudden I saw a lady wearing scrubs "hilariously" tacking a pair of underwear to a bulletin board. Um...that is beyond gross.

One of the "doctors" on the show was also in a horrible movie from the nineties called "My Father, The Hero". If you watch this show, ask yourself this question: Do I want to be associated in any way, shape, or form with someone who acted in a movie with Gerard Depardieu? If that isn't bad enough, her character in the movie pretended he was her boyfriend when he was actually her FATHER. Even pretending such a thing is awful beyond reason. How do you recover from something like that? You NEVER do. You could take a million showers and you would never feel clean. You could bathe in rubbing alcohol for the rest of your life and the Depardieu dirt would still infest your pores.

So there's Katherine Heigl and then all the rest of them and if you ever see a picture of these people, look at their faces. Seriously. If you watch this show, and I pray to sweet Jesus and all the saints that you do not, look at their faces for about 2 minutes really hard. And then you will see what I'm talking about: creepy, cold, dead eyes. But don't look directly into their eyes. There is obviously a danger in doing that. You might turn into a fuckwit and start saying shit like "Did you let me scrub in for this operation because I slept with you? ".

I know plenty of people watch this show. Good, hard-working, decent people. If you're one of them, don't feel bad. You're the victim in this situation. Advertising has misled you down a dark path, making you believe that this show is risque but harmless fun. I can almost forgive you. But please don't email me saying "But Gwen, it's a really good show!1!! Give it a chance, cuz u will luv it!!1!! McDreamy Rulz 4 eva. Patrick Dempsey is hot". Patrick Dempsey has greasy hair that's coiffed in the same style as the guy on the 20 dollar bill. Other reasons I hate him: His first wife's name was Rocky and he named his sons Darby and Sullivan, he juggles, and most disturbing of all he won a golden globe for best actor in a drama series when Kyle Chandler's hair wasn't even nominated. Kyle Chandler's hair can act circles around Patrick Dempsey. I am not making this up. And one last thought before I go, if I ever hear or see the psuedo words "McDreamy" or "McSteamy" again, I may try to McKill myself.

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