Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Lose Yourself

So, obviously I'm struggling with depression right now. This information is like the opposite of a surprise or secret. There are some good things about being depressed that I don't think a lot of people realize. For one, I'm so anti-social and isolated and fucking lazy that I have lots of time to sit around and read shit on the internet and watch TV. Another thing that's great about being depressed is my lack of appetite. It's a beautiful thing, really, to put your jeans on and realize you need a belt to hold them up. I mean they are my big jeans, but still it's a nice little bonus. I'm going to guess - 5 pounds. Maybe. I realize it feels a little too good, and possibly the reason for my little upsurge in mood the past day or two. It's the teaser. It's like my subconscious (or not so subconscious) mind is saying, "Get super skinny again. And your depression will disappear." And it would, too.

It would be so easy to resort to my old coping patterns. Maladaptive as they were, they fucking worked. Anorexia is a strange little miracle worker that way. Also, a seductor. I punched him in his stupid mouth this morning by ordering a donut with my coffee. And I ate it, too. So, yeah, He's a little pissed at me for spurning him. But I don't give a shit. I mean that asshole tried to fucking kill me and now what? I'm supposed to take him back with all his dysfunctional mind games?

I hate that I don't hate it, though - the idea of going back to the abuser in my brain. I am baffled by the fact that I've kept my double zero jeans in my closet, my child size clothes. Sometimes I take them out and marvel at how small I used to be. I miss the way it felt to take up so little space in the world. Every time I hear talk of my "carbon footprint" or how we are all destroying the earth with our greed and consumption, I have the overwhelming urge to STOP consuming immediately. I get the impression that what they are really saying is that my very existence is impeding the survival of our planet, or something. Everywhere I turn, on my TV, in magazines, in conversations, there is just one big guilt trip after another.

It's difficult to find that balance and make sense of all the mixed messages coming from without and within. Everybody's always trying to lose more of themselves, like there's some magic in it. As if being smaller or fitting some mold equates to more happiness somehow. People love it when you lose weight. It's like suddenly you are this big star with a special secret. "You look great! How did you do it?" I see people on diets everywhere - people that don't even appear to have a weight problem. That has to mean something, right? There has to be some value in dieting for everyone to take to it in a religious fervor. But a diet is like a drug for me and I know that it is a dangerous endeavor for me to take on right now. Or maybe that's just the way I justify being and staying a glutton. Who can tell? I'm so confused. Maybe a fast would be a good thing for me right now. Restart my brain, purge myself of toxins. I'm kind of exhausted from trying to crawl out of my skin.

Oh, anorexia, you sneaky little bastard. Well played, my old friend, well played.


  1. "I miss the way it felt to take up so little space in the world."

    Wow. Sometimes, when I'm quietly leaning against a wall, quietly observing and going unnoticed, I wonder what it would be like to go back to the way I was when I was BIG . . . the life of the party, the elephant in the room that no one went without noticing. I want to act out, just to say "Notice ME!" I matter . . .

    I'm glad you ordered the donut . . .

    (My apologies about my last comment here. I got what you were saying, but I went the wrong way. Reading it again today, I realized it could be taken all wrong and come across as uncaring. NOT my intention . . . )

  2. Totally hear you. Was disordered for awhile in my 20s. I still feel a sense of relief when I see I've lost a couple of pounds. It's almost instinctive. It's not rational because I'm thin anyway. But I still get way too happy about any extension of the buffer zone between myself and the mysterious, undefined threshold to what my college boyfriend called "disappointing."

    The difference now is that when I am generally unhappy, weight loss doesn't buoy me like it used to. I don't struggle with depression, though. That's a whole other thing. It might be a nice resting stop, but I hope you can really enjoy your donuts again soon.

  3. I'm sorry you're living with depression right now. Hope it's transitory

  4. Admit it! You thought of the Eminem song when you wrote the title of this!

  5. Ty's Daddy - I think you matter regardless of your size. It's interesting how we both miss our old bodies, even though those bodies were not healthy for us. Those shells of us became a huge part about the way we defined ourselves. I wasn't offended at all by your last comment. I always appreciate any comment you leave on my blog, very, very much.

    Erin - your boyfriend actually told you that you were "disappointing"? What an asshole. I'm glad you understand my feelings, but also sad that you understand them. I wouldn't wish these types of feelings on anyone at any point in their lives. Your ability to transcend those problems gives me so much hope. Thanks for that.

    Nurse Myra - I'm sure it is transitory. I've always dealt with hills and valleys with my moods.

    Jodi - Oh my God! I totally didn't. But now that you mention it...I have that song in my head for the rest of the day. Which is fine, because it's quite awesome.

  6. Fuck them for telling us we have to look a certain way.

    I will fucking get fatter and uglier out of sheer spite for the bullshit conglomerate of "they."

    Nothing pisses me off more than someone who tells me I have to be a certain way.

  7. Gwen- this was from a post I wrote in the throes of another "episode", it's good when you can still hang on to bits of humor. And no, a fast is not the way to go for you my friend, slippery slope. Like Nurse Myra said, they are always transitory, just hang on and white knuckle it for awhile.

    The Upside of Depression
    1. When you call to see a doctor and they ask why, when you tell them you've been feeling sad, they will get you in RIGHT away.
    2. You finally did something to render your mother-in-law speechless for now, and just a little afraid of you forever.
    3. Skimping on outfit changes and showers means less laundry, lower water bills.
    4. Crying burns calories.
    5. Suddenly, you're getting high fives for getting up in the morning.
    6. Apathy and mood swings makes you feel like a teenager again.
    7. Doing Nothing is a cheap hobby.
    8. Your new expressionless face is eradicating your forehead wrinkles.
    9. No one asks you why you are adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
    10. Once you are really feeling good, you can plan a 'bad day' every now and then just to keep everyone on their toes.

  8. I resist dieting, kind of on principle: The world WILL accept me for who I am and how I look, and screw them if they don't. It's a created principle in some ways, though. Because it lets me off the hook for my bad habits.

  9. I've been fighting depression for almost 14 years. I know how you feel. It's easy to want to fall back into old habits. It's your comfort zone and you feel safe there, no matter how poisonous it may be. But like you said, you need to punch that bastard in the mouth. You will get through this. You have great people around you. Just remember, the dark doesn't last forever, you will see the light again.