Friday, May 22, 2009

The Five People You Fuck In Heaven

By all popular accounts, heaven sounds like a snoozefest. Pure, celibate angels and fluffy white clouds? Come on people, we can do better than that! I'm not a true believer in an "afterlife". I want to believe it, since Amy is dead, and especially lately since I've started plotting my own murder. I'm trying to convince myself that heaven is, first of all, a real place and, second of all, a lot more ridiculously fun place than has ever been imagined. Maybe it's one big party where we're all sexy ghosts, getting drunk on the best beer and liquor God's omnipotence can buy and high on the purest, most mind blowing drugs. And also an orgy. I thought I'd make a list of the people I am going to fuck when I enter the proverbial pearly gates.

1. Kurt Cobain - I hope in heaven he keeps his angst, because truth be told it was the sexiest thing about him. I loved his greasy, devil may care hair, his frumpy flannels, the way he wore his heart on his sleeve. He was an amazing artist who spoke to my desperate teenage soul. He made me feel less alone in the world in 1993, like it was normal to be writing shitty poetry and cutting myself and in a salty mood all the time. I'd really like to pay him back with at least a blow job for that.

2. James Dean - If you've ever seen East of Eden or Rebel Without a Cause then you know what I'm talking about. I'd want to role play. He would be Cal Trask and I'd be that cute girl who used to date his brother. Hot.
3. River Phoenix - I had the biggest crush on him since Stand by Me. I know he was really young then, but it's okay because so was I.

4. Anais Nin - I don't know. I might be bi. How does one know for sure? Anais was the first woman I ever fantasized about and could you really blame me? Her erotica is just stellar and dirty and everything erotica should be. I'd love to smoke some opium and let her teach me in the ways of Sapphic love. (Have you read Delta of Venus? It was the book I hid under my pillow and held countless fodder for many a masturbatory fantasy. Also, Henry and June. Was that a true story? Henry Miller could get it, too.)

5. Jesus - I know he hates me and all but that just makes the prospect of sex with him even hotter. I grew up on Jesus; I knew Jesus better than I knew myself. I'm not talking about the weak, skinny, bleeding Christ on a cross so regularly seen in Christian literature and the like. I'm talking about Jesus, the fucking man. I think my unabashed desire has a lot to do with the fact that I like beards. And also because this is the type of Jesus I was exposed to in my formative years:

Pretty hot, right? Angry Jesus. Mmmm. I found this picture in my old My Book of Bible Stories, which is what I was forced to study as a child. Here's just a few of the reasons why I'd fuck his Messianic brains out:

He's good with kids:

He can fly.

Jesus has got some game:

He can heal you of your every ill with his mad skills. Plus he makes wine out of water.

He isn't afraid of a little man on man love:

He throws a mean dinner party:
I'm a little touched in the head right now. Maybe always. I realize that I'm probably going to Hell now when I die. I mean, if there is one. That sucks but it's still better than here.
So, who are the five people you'd fuck in heaven?


  1. Wow, I totally got confused there, because I missed #3, and thought Jesus had really gone to your head.

    I dunno. Jeff Buckley, Jimmie Dale Gilmore, Sean Connery, and right now? I can't think of any others. Though they're there. Red wine will do that to you.

  2. Wait, Sean Connery isnt dead. Is he?

    I'd fuck everyone. Cause thats just the kinda girl I am. IF there was a heaven that is...

  3. Ooh, I like making lists like this. Seeing as all the people I want to fuck are still alive. I justify my list by the fact that I will out live my list and they will be waiting for my lovefest when I walk through those pearly gates.

    These are in order starting with most fuckable, also, they are movies characters, I want to fuck the roles these actors played.

    1. Wolverine (Hugh Jackman)
    2. Batman (Christian Bale)
    3. Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp)
    4. Malcolm Reynolds (Nathan Fillion)
    5. Indian Jones Jr (Harrison Ford)

  4. I'd do Jesus, but I want the long-haired, hippy Jesus. And Jim Morrison. And Cary Grant. And Heath Ledger. And Paul Newman.

  5. I heart Gina's list, mmmm Cary Grant, I might swap Richard Chamberlain ala Thornbirds for the Big Jeez though.

  6. oh my god. I love this.

    See, Jesus is a hoot. Anything with Jesus in it makes me laugh. ALso? I've always loved that he can turn water into wine. Let me tell you that is the way to seal the deal with me.

    And all those pictures with him wearing the loin cloth? C'mon, tell me the church didn't pay the artists. I mean what how else were they going to pursuade women to reject relgdions where they were considered goddesses into a religion where they were nothing more than baby machines and scapegoats for original sin?

    Yeah, right. With a male centerfold god, that's how.

  7. oh, and Gina? Right on. Jim Morrison. Totally. If you go first don't wear him out. I want a piece of that.

  8. I'd do Jeff Buckley. And his Dad, Tim Buckley. Then I guess I'd be going to hell after that....

  9. Well, you are the first person I know who has ever wanted to fuck Jesus.

    And after your persuasive argument about what a great catch he is, I think I might want to fuck him too.

    I'm guessing if he can, fly, walk on water, turn water into wine and all of that shit, he can probably extend his junk to the length and circumference that I desire as well.


  10. This is definitely a question I have never, ever considered before.

    I'll have to think about it, but I expect that Audrey Hepburn would definitely be on my list. Veronica Lake might be too, but I understand that she was a severely high maintenance person, so I'd probably have to make a swift exit afterward. (If you do that in heaven, are there consequences?)

    Of course, this presumes that these people are just lounging around waiting for losers like me to come along and violate them. Why wouldn't they be busy with a top 5 list of their own?

    And as long as we're at it, I expect I'd be much more interested in the list of people who had me on their top fives. You know? Would it be like a To Do list they hand you every morning? "Ah, crap, another one of my ex-girlfriends' mothers just croaked. Damn damn damn!"

  11. Now here's a list I've never thought to make before ... but I love lists, so I'm jumping in:

    Gary Cooper (sigh) -- he always broke my heart with that farewell speech in Pride of the Yankees and dying of ALS and all ... oh, wait ...

    Gene Kelly -- he was always so smiley, and he was so athletic, you have to figure the man had some serious stamina.

    Jimi Hendrix (who is, really, first on my list, I think) -- do I need to explain anything here? It's Jimi, people. (and when I first discovered the internets my screen name was "Priestess at the altar of Jimi" ...)

    Crazy Horse -- had a thing for him since reading Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee.

    And even though he's still alive, he'll have to be dead to be the version of himself that I'd want ... Tommy Lee Jones the way he looked in The Eyes of Laura Mars

  12. Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, Bruce Lee.

    And Alexander fucking Hamilton. AND Aaron Burr. At the same time. Take that, history.

  13. Man, that took about ten seconds.

  14. I dunno... maybe if you let Jesus double team you with his cousin John he'd be so turned on that he had to let you into heaven.

  15. I don't have a list, but my copy of Delta of Venus fell apart at the binding and fluttered all over the damn place on the subway.

    That's not a euphemism.

  16. Kurt Cobain? Ew.
    James Dean was gay.

    Me? Jim Morrison, but the skinny one, not the fat, bloated one.
    Alexander the Great (ok, so he was bi)
    Tim Russert (I always had a weird crush on him, sue me).
    Clark Gable
    River Phoenix

  17. Why are all your commentators on this post women? And why have only one of you suggested fucking another woman in heaven? I mean, you're in heaven so there's none of the social taboos - go crazy! Me, hmmmmm: Clara Bow, Zelda Fitzgerald, Maria Callas, Marlene Dietrich.

    And just to practice what I preach, I may go with Kurt as well.

  18. I loved this blog post ... mainly because I too love taking the piss out of Jesus/God. Will have to give this some thought as to the 5 ppl I'd want to fuck in heaven.

  19. Yo. Free Man. I'm a dude.

    Add Natalie Wood to my list.

  20. Yeah, I was going to say that Pos commented and he is a guy. Also, we were talking about this topic at our Memorial Day BBQ yesterday and Natalie Wood was on a lot of people's lists. Also, Marilyn Monroe and Grace Kelly. They certainly be on MY to-do list, as well. I'm surprised I'm the only female who picked a woman. Free Man's right - live it up ladies! Pos, your comment about the to-do list in heaven was so great. I would hope I was on some people's lists.

  21. Grace Kelly, sure. Marilyn Monroe? Meh. Not so much.

  22. I am hysterical! Mostly because this post helped me love Jesus again.

  23. Well, I don't believe in a heaven, but your version sounds more fun than most. Are you part Viking, perhaps? ;)

    Let's see? Dead people, eh? Only 5?

    Well, Will Shakespeare has to top my list. And I wouldn't turn down Robert Heinlein. (What can I say, I'm an intellisexual.)

    Young Elvis definitely makes the cut. And I'd be all over Cary Grant and River Phoenix, too. :)

    I'm gonna have to pass on Jesus, though. You make a convincing argument, I'll give you that. But, I've just never been attracted to perfect. I prefer my lovers ever-so-slightly flawed. Like me.

  24. Me.

    Because if there actually turns out to be a heaven, I'm going to be standing there saying, "Well. Fuck me. There IS a heaven after all!"

  25. Great comments. I just want to reiterate that I do NOT believe in heaven, really. I just like to entertain the idea of heaven emotionally, even though intellectually I know there is no such place.

  26. Couldn't possibly fuck Jesus, I think he was married........

    Five Heavenly Fucks

    1. Any fuck not at 3.30am

    2. Any fuck not at 6am

    3. Any fuck not interrupted by children.

    4. Any fuck not interrupted by a purring cat.

    5. Any fuck not involving, cramp, exhaustion, sweat, pulled muscles or pins and needles.

  27. Let's see.

    James Dean...

    That's about it.

  28. Look, I say 'fuck Jesus' all the time, but when it comes down to it, I'm afraid of what he would turn my semen into.

  29. This was so irreverently awesome.

    My list? Tallulah Bankhead (pre-the clap), Prince Albert, Michael Hutchence, Julius Caesar, and a viking.