I have about 4 hours to go until I'm on the couch. I know it's probably going to be a normal couch, most likely beige, with a few pillows thrown about in non-garish colors. I would really prefer an old-fashioned pyscho-analyst couch. They're crisp and clean looking. Not soft, but comfortable. I'd like to lay down on one of those and close my eyes. I would not have to face this other human being while I humiliated myself. I wouldn't have to look in the eyes of the person who is privy to my rapidly unraveling psyche, my irrational opinions, my pathetic dead or dying dreams.
Therapy is like confession, only there's no privacy screen. I want that privacy screen. This whole process would just be so much easier if I didn't have to look directly at the doctor's face while I said, "I'm fucked up."
I'm worried about this encounter. I'm afraid that he will say, "You are beyond help or redemption. There is nothing to be done." I am worried about a strategically placed box of tissues sitting on the coffee table and the baby tears that its existence invites. I am worried about my ability to form a coherent thought. I am worried about boring him with my rambling. Because that's what I do. I fucking ramble when I'm nervous. I behave weirdly and girlish. I apologize constantly for stupid shit. Dealing with me, on any level, is just exhausting. This poor fucking guy. He has no idea what he's in for.
2 days ago
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my therapist's couch is blue, with big stupid pillows that look like Cosby sweaters. I hate it.
ReplyDeleteLora - Cosby sweaters! Ok, that's really funny. Thanks for making me laugh on a dismal day.
ReplyDeleteI used to think I was irretrievably broken. I am not. There was nothing 'wrong' with me in the first place. Ever. Just a lot of things to figure out.
ReplyDeleteAlso? If that therapist gives you ANY indication he thinks you are 'beyond help or redemption...there is nothing to be done'...tell him to go fuck himself.
I agree with MG there. No one who is really looking to figure things out is "beyond help." Only those who are forced into therapy by someone else and unwilling to face it for what it is may be beyond help.
ReplyDeleteWell, those and my blood relatives.
Well, a couch can be a better alternative to a bar stool, though the people watching isn't nearly as interesting.
ReplyDeleteWait...your therapist has a COUCH? Mine only had gosh-awful chairs! NOT FAIR!
ReplyDeleteYou sound totally normal.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest fear going in was that he'd tell me I was perfectly normal and that I just needed to suck it up.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally with you on the "old-fashioned pyscho-analyst couch", though. I can't imagine ever laying down (or even leaning too far back) on the dingy-neutral, might as well be covered by an unwashed no-tell motel comforter. *shudder* I don't even want to think about what might have been "shared" on there before it became a repository for innermost secrets.
MG - "irretrievably broken" YES! I feel broken, like humpty dumpty. Figuratively and literally, in a way. Thanks for the pep talk. Although telling a therapist to "go fuck himself" is not something I think I could ever do. Unless he tried to cop a feel or something. Ew. Let's hope that doesn't happen.
ReplyDeletePos - I suppose you're right. If I'm willing to TRY to be rational there has to be hope.
Jaded - They should put comfy couches in bars, and weird people in therapists' offices. The weird people would be a great distraction from painful discussion and make me feel saner. The comfy couches would make me happy when I'm getting my drink on.
Domestic Goddess- every therapist I've ever been to has had a couch. Hmmm. Maybe this one won't have a couch. I don't even know what I'd do. Now I have to go process the possibility that my image is completely wrong.
Magpie - Hmmm. I'm also afraid of being told I'm "Completely Normal" when I do not feel normal. Honestly, if this is normal then I don't know how people can walk around with smiles on their faces. I'm miserable. But I think I know what you mean. You're saying that I sound like a sane person. I'm good at that :)
Susan - exactly! If he tells me to just suck it up I will fucking die. And yeah, there is something rather dinghy about therapists' couches, right? They look so used and tear-stained.
I have to agree with Mongolian Girl - if any therapist ever makes you feel "beyond help" ... you need to run screaming in the other direction to a REAL therapist.
ReplyDeleteI'll be thinking good thoughts for your visit.
It makes me feel so much better to know I am not the only who is not happy. Hey, misery loves company. So thanks.
ReplyDeleteTherapy seems like it would be a waste of my time because I'd spend the session analyzing the questions asked and what my answers could be construed to mean, rather than trying to help myself.
ReplyDeleteGood luck. I hope that you've found someone who can help. I would totally be on a couch with my eyes closed the whole time. Probably with pillow over my face.
ReplyDeleteI love therapy, after of course you get past the first date jitters. I used to have a friend who had just a miserable childhood replete with heroin addicted parents, pverty, sexual abuse.....She was never getting a proper foothold in her own life and I suggested she go to therapy. She was all like therapy? you think I'm that fucked up? My thoughts? Therapy is for people who are smart enough to know things could be better, want the tools that they didn't get growing up and have done part of the work themselves and need an objective person to help them get to the next peak. Gwen, you are perfectly abnormal, just like the rest of us.
ReplyDeleteI've never had much luck with therapy, largely because they won't tell me what I want to hear. Or do tell me what I want to hear. Either way.
ReplyDeleteI had to get 2 psych exams before I had my surgery, and I was terrified. It's different than going to talk about issues, but terrifying nonetheless. Then, I met the guy and realized he was a complete tool. The nerves disappeared. If I were to go to a therapist (which I'd like to do to figure out my food issues),picking the right doc would certainly be the hardest part. A nice couch may persuade me though .. haha!
ReplyDeleteThe Cosby sweater comment is hilarious! .... babspeapod
I have been putting off my own visit to the couch. I hope yours goes well!
ReplyDeleteI feel your angst, but really you have nothing to worry about. It is a luxury to have someone listen to you and give you their full attention. My therapist has an old dog that comes and sits with me the entire time. I love it. He never judges!
ReplyDeleteBOOOOO DISAPPEARING BLOGS
ReplyDeleteI'm with Rass on this one. I had read your post from this AM but hadn't had a chance to crystalize my thoughts yet. Not sure what motivated you to pull it. I trust you had a good reason.
ReplyDeleteIn times like this, I wish I had omnipotence, and that I could wave my hand and make all those hassles disappear. That I could make problems with insurance companies and doctor offices a thing of the past. Or that I could identify exactly what you need and make it so.
But I don't. Have omnipotence, that is. So the best I can do is stand over here, thumb up my ass, and wish for good things to come your way.
Yeah, I'm over here with my thumb up my ass too, but that's a personal thing so don't judge. It's ok to yank something but don't feel like you need to censure or no one wants to hear Gwen's "emotional issues". I hope you don't let you aaysr review make you overthink things. Also, the post apocalyptic cry migraine is the worst. Also, for what it's worth you're not alone. Most of the interesting funny people I know are totally off their rocker, but of course I am naturally attracted to people who use humor to mask emotional trauma, you know, birds of a feather.
ReplyDeleteGwen my love, do not edit yourself for the sake of others.
ReplyDeleteI'm just sayin...