Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Bumper Stickers Make Me Very, Very Angry

This car in front of me had a bumper sticker on it that read: I'll keep my guns, liberty, and money, you can keep the change. I have only one response to that: Burn in Hell. Seriously, why are people always trying to "educate" me with their damn cars? Leave me alone. I'm just trying to get to work. I don't want to contemplate deep political shit this early in the morning. You know what else I don't want? To get to know you. I don't care where you go on vacation, I don't care where you went to college. I care even less about where your kids go to college. I don't want to know that you think I shouldn't have full control over my own body (pro-lifers) or that Jesus Loves Me. Guess what? Jesus hates me. He really, really does. And your saying that he loves me just twists the knife that much more, it is just rubbing salt into my gaping emotional wounds. Also? It's really sad that your kid has autism and all and that you're a cancer survivor and that you listen to Dave Mathews Band. But I have my own fucking problems. I don't want to hear about yours when I'm driving in my car. That's what therapists are for. I'm not your therapist. I'm not your friend. I have enough friends already. So in a nutshell, stop trying to advocate, educate, pontificate, and all the other 'cates from the bumper of your fucking car.

God, what the fuck is wrong with me? I know I'm over-reacting to that image that I saw with my eyes this morning. But I'm just overwhelmed with emotion as it is. And bumper stickers right now are just the tipping point, you know?


  1. I loathe bumper stickers. LOATHE.

  2. Lora - yet ANOTHER thing we have in common :)

  3. Yeah, I can't figure out when, exactly, the automobile became a rolling chalkboard. Ridiculous. Funny thing is, most of these Stickerites, when confronted, would most certainly tell you 'Hey, man, it's just a bumper sticker'. To which I say,

    'Hey, fuckface, don't put anything on your car that you wouldn't say directly to me, in an unapologetic and fearless manner.'

    Why? Because it's phony. Fake. Don't be a fucking jellyfish. Oh, and great post Gwen, Jesus hates me too.

  4. I hate bumper stickers too. I just saw that one yesterday!

  5. Once, I saw a bumper sticker that said...

    Oh, nevermind. I was mistaking myself for someone who gave a shit about what it says on cars.

  6. Gwen this is actually really funny, great bit.

  7. Thank you all for validating my anger. Rage is like a cleansing balm for the soul. I'm going to start posting more of my internal rants as you are not a crowd that appears to be easily offended.

  8. My all-time favourite bumper sticker, seen on a highway in Houston 15 years ago:

    "American by birth. Texan by the grace of GOD."

  9. Get thee to a martini!

    I have a bumper sticker on my car that says . . .

    "When in doubt, HACK!"

    It's a gaming thing, but it applies to so many situations . . .

  10. First on one car I saw "I have an honor roll student at ______"

    Then later a second car came "My kid beat up your honor roll student"
    Some time after that there was a third car I saw said "My older son arrested your kid for beating up my honor roll student"

    I think it's how we talk anymore.

  11. Rassles - that sounds like a nightmare

  12. Sci Fi Dad - Okay, maybe I'm just really ignorant but I don't even know what that means. Maybe you have to be from Texas? Wait, you're from Canada, right?

    Ty's Daddy - I need a martini I.V. in my arm. You're allowed to have a bumper sticker because I like you.

    Kiefer and Emo - I don't want people to talk like that. I think it's why I'm so depressed.

  13. I hate bumper stickers. I think they make cars look gaudy. Also, do you really want to advertise your opinions when someone could easily drive you into a ditch? It's a bad idea.

  14. I've always thought most bumper stickers were a bit too much like public masturbation for my taste.

    That said, I do have a license plate frame that says "em eye see kay ee why em oh you ess ee"

    So, I guess I'm no better than the rest of the flashers.

  15. from Gok's comment: "Yeah, I can't figure out when, exactly, the automobile became a rolling chalkboard"

    I have a friend who owns a car that actually is a rolling chalkboard. As in, she painted it with chalkboard paint and now we draw on it in chalk.

  16. Oh man, I love bumper stickers.


    I have one that says "minds are like parachutes, they only function when open"

    and one of those ones with the cartoon bunnies, that says "I just realized, I dont care."

    Dont hate me..

  17. Sarah - I could never hate you. I grant you Amnesty from the bumper sticker rule as I have Ty's Daddy because you are both awesome. I'm quite magnaminous when I want to be.

  18. I can't imagine ever putting a bumper sticker on my car.

    What I really hate are those fish symbols. I want to draw legs on all of them - Darwin-like.

  19. i have bumper stickers and i love them! i ordered them from NOW. haha.
    my car also has a name - Black Betty. hahahaha.

    your post made me laugh so much because i never thought about people hating bumper stickers.

    black betty is donned with these:

    (on the front) - "commit random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty"

    on the back -
    "question authority"
    "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - e. roosevelt
    and also a sticker from my former band, the transfers...
    and one of an organization i belong to called Art Army.

    OH - and i have a sticker of a fairy right in the middle of my back window.

    i think of black betty (car) like an article of clothing... just another form of expression, suppose.


    you'd probably want to flick me off if i was driving next to you! i usually have my windows down and the music pumping ( i have EXCELLENT taste in music, btw) and i'm groovin' while i'm coasting along.

    it's the peacenlovenfeministpower mobile.

    hope you don't delete me from your blog. :)

    i loved this post!!

  20. Stickers made me cry as a kid (go figure), and I can't stand bumper stickers. The worst was the "____ on board" craze. UGH!! .... babs

  21. The outside of my car is clean. The inside, not so much.

  22. My general rule of thumb, if the sticker is worth more than the car, it can go on the car. I actually think it looks a bit trashy and lowbrow. But, hey that's me.

    I am in total agreement with you about the drive-by proseletyzing though. I am constantly annoyed by the announcement of a person's attitude or beliefs all over their car. It is preachy and presumptuous, when done wrong. (The examples above wouldn't annoy me so much.)

    In fact, I have a note about a post idea that I long ago abandoned because I couldn't find a way to have it come across as anything other than globally Christian hostile (which I am not), but it was in response to a bumper sticker that said "Jesus died for me and you" but was accompanied by American flags and guns and stuff. I think there may have been something that implied something about the current middle east conflict too, but my memory on that is hazy now. My note simply says: "Jesus died for me and you. Now go kill some Muslims and atheists and abortionists for him. It's only fair."

    I would probably be interested in getting a darwinfish for my car, but I don't want to invoke this angry reaction in anyone else, so I abstain. The Happy Humanist is a lot less polarizing and less well known and isn't a direct manipulation of a Christian symbol, so that may be more my style.

  23. Do you hate all bumper stickers, or just rabid right-wing, intolerant, ignorant ones? 'Cause I could easily get behind THAT.

  24. Magpie - yeah, those fish are way irritating. But I also dislike the darwin fish ones too. It's like Pos said: Taking a religious symbol and changing it has a blasphemous, cruel feel to it for me. I don't know if that makes sense. I feel bad for fundie Christians. I WAS a fundie Christian back in the day. Thanks for never putting a bumper sticker on your car. I really appreciate that.

    Shannon - You're a sweet girl Shannon. We can agree to disagree on the bumper sticker thing. It's certainly your right to do it. But I stand firm on not liking them.

    Lisa - yeah I wrote a blog a while back about my hatred for all the shit that people put on their cars. the memoriams, the fake baseballs shattering the window, the baby on board signs. all of it is so desperate.

    Pos - Go with The Happy Humanist if you must go with anything. I agree that the Darwin Fish is an anti-Christian symbol. If we are ever going to change these people's minds (and that's a big IF) we certainly have to stop attacking them. Even though it's quite tempting to do so.

    Ruth - I'm going to have to say all of them annoy me in one way or another. I'm less irritated by innocuous ones than I am by the intolerant, right wing bullshit ones. There is a hate scale at play.

  25. "If guns kill people, then spoons make Rosie O'Donnell fat." = best bumper sticker of all time. (And true, when you think about it.)

  26. "So in a nutshell, stop trying to advocate, educate, pontificate, and all the other 'cates from the bumper of your fucking car."

    That would be a good bumper sticker.

    Seriously, bumper stickers are something I don't miss from the States. A few people have them here, but it's a largely American genre.

  27. You left out that I don't want to know that your kids is on the honor roll.

  28. That's okay, vent. Because Jesus loves you.

  29. I like bumper stickers, but only the ones that make fun of other people's bumper stickers. For instance, I have a bumper sticker. It says, "My kid can ollie over your honor student." I love it. (An ollie is a skateboarding move).

    My son loves it, too, which is the main reason I have it.

  30. Although, I must confess that my daughter and I are considering getting a bunch of small stickers printed up that say, "Because I have a very tiny penis." We decided on this after seeing all the hummers in our area, and also, a ton of "I'm in favor of Proposition 2" (against gay marriage) in our area.

    We'd like to take them around, and as a secret act of sabotage, paste them on people's cars whose stickers piss us off.

    So...Hummer...because I have a very tiny penis.

    "I support Prop 2"...because I have a very tiny penis.

    I may still do this. And yes, I am a very, very bad influence.

  31. Amen to that.

    I'm thinking of creating and selling a bumper sticker that says, "It's really white trashy to put bumper stickers on your car" Or something like that.

    Or, "I really don't care what you like, think or feel. Don't put it on your bumper."

  32. LB - "because I have a very tiny penis" - I love it. If you get those made, I'll buy some. I have a few Hummers in my neighborhood. Their very existence pisses me off.

    Domestic Goddess - I'd buy those too and stick them on other people's cars.

  33. people don´t have bumper stickers like we do at home. They aren´t all hung up on "my individuality" and "my expression of who I am on my fucking car based on a sticker that was mass produced that I bought at a bookstore".

    I do get amusement out of it when I go home though. It instantly lets me judge drivers more than just based on their driving skills.