Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Can I be tried as a juvenile?

What is it about people cracking gum that makes we want to stab them? My boss' wife decided to grace me with her presence, for some reason, and there she sits fiddling with her email and cell phone all fucking cracking her stupid gum and humming. Did I mention that humming makes me murderous, too? One day, you are going to see me on the news or on Court TV after a bloody rampage. Everybody will wonder why, why?, did this girl commit such a heinous act? And I will only say, "People who crack gum and hum deserve to have their skulls crushed."

I know you are thinking I'm a terrible person. I am a terrible person. But I honestly want someone to put a bullet in my head right now and put me out of my misery from all this humming and cracking of gum. I am slowly losing the tiny will I had to live. My soul is withering to the sound of humming and cracking of gum. I feel like my senses are heightened and the noise is just pulsing right into the nerve centers of my brain. Maybe I have some kind of untapped superpower. Who the fuck knows.

And now the rage and hurricane of negative emotion has subsided. Because she is gone. Don't worry, I didn't kill her. It's like such a relieving feeling for the rage to leave my body. You know that feeling you get when you almost get in a car accident, but then you don't, and it's like your limbs feel all jello-like and tingly? Is that adrenaline? What is that chemically that makes a person feel that way? Anyway, I feel like that a lot in response to situations that aren't even technically life-threatening. It's as if my body is responding as though I were in a life-threatening situation and yet logically I acknowledge that I am not. I tried to explain this to my therapist yesterday, rather inelegantly. Lately, words weigh a ton, like thick bars of lead. They just don't come easy, whether spoken or written. Everything is a challenge. That's my excuse for this shit post.

I finally express to this shrink another odd thing that I am feeling, which is that there is some strange connection between my acceptance of my right to enjoy life, and my sister getting cancer. I know it's technically a coincidence that as soon as I stopped starving myself and torturing myself mercilessly, my sister got sick. But I have this sinking feeling that there is a connection. Or on a broader scale, that my level of happiness is inversely related somehow to the suffering of others. Maybe, "inversely" is the wrong word. It's been a while since I studied that statistical shit. Anyway, I feel like the more happy I am, the more others have to suffer because of it. Like there is payment to be made for it in some way. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

So he gets that puzzled look on his face or more accurately a look of concern which conveys: "This bitch is crazier than I thought."

I tried to explain, "I know that logically this can not be true. I'm not a stupid person. But I feel like it's true. I haven't been able to make the frightened feelings and the panic go away when I feel joy for any amount of logical thought."

And then he fucking says, sort of haltingly, "I have to tell you that a lot of your thought processes are very child-like."

When I take affront to that - because it's not my thoughts so much as my fucking feelings that are the problem - he says, "Well that's not necessarily a bad thing."

It's not? I'm almost 34 years old. What part of thinking like a child is not a bad thing? Anyway, he concludes thusly, "I'm not trained in psychoanalysis, but if I had to guess I would say that at some point in your early development something happened that got you stuck there." Fuck you, faux Freud. I don't really think it takes years of clinical training to figure out that my problems are rooted in childhood.

Part of me wants to go in next week and tell him I've been having sexual fantasies about him. Just to make him squirm. Let me clarify, I'm definitely not having sexual fantasies about him. He's a high school English teacher or something. He's not unattractive or anything. Just his demeanor is so...god, I wish I had the words to describe it. But they're too heavy to lift out of my bruised psyche at the moment. But it would be kind of interesting to see how he reacted to that sordid information. See? I'm not child-like. At all.


  1. People who crack their gum and hum when in the company of others are just impolite and self-centered.

  2. For me it's whistling. I want to stab people who whistle.

  3. Oh Gwen this made me laugh, I love the thought of you purposely torquing Captain Fucking Obvious. I know what you mean by the happy=something bad's going to happen. My life is so good now that every once in awhile I get that awful feeling that something catastrophic is going to happen,like there's too much good. I know it doesn't work that way but it's ahard feeling to shake. I think for me it's just another form of anxiety and guilt.

  4. Oh Gina, I'm with you on that one. I hate whistlers. I want to head butt people who whistle.

  5. I am so overly worried about bad things happening that sometimes I purposely think of the worse thing that can happen in a situation and make myself go through it, step by step, in my mind, because if I can picture it that accurately, then it won't happen. Right? RIGHT?

  6. Betsey Booms - Yes, they are. Also rude are people who eat crunchy food obnoxiously and with their mouths open. And people who kiss all open mouthed and sloppy in public. Shudder. I have a lot of pet peeves.

    Gina - I'm glad I'm not the only person who gets the urge to stab people for obnoxious behavior. See, whistle never bothered me before. But I bet it will now.

    Formerly Fun - Yes, guilt and anxiety are ever-present feelings for me. I find it amazing that people exist that DON'T constantly feel guilty or anxious. That must be wonderful. I wish I knew how to change it, so far nothing has worked. I know my therapist is stating the obvious and it is irritating. But I know he is just trying to help me. I'm just not ready to give up on him yet. Although, I do think I might fuck with him a little.

    Sarah - If anyone whistles in your presence, I say go ahead and give them the head butt. I bet they won't be whistling anymore after that.

    Logical Libby - Right. You are right. You are living up to your moniker: Logical. Why are we the only ones that do that sort of stuff in our minds? It's like a little game. What's the worst that can happen here? And if I think it WILL happen then it won't happen. Because it would be totally illogical to assume my thoughts have any control over my surroundings. Sigh. I make no sense and yet I make all kinds of sense in my weird little wonderland.

  7. whistling and humming both set my teeth on edge. in case that wasn't a rhetorical question, the chemical you're referring to is cortisol.

    maybe it's time to find a new shrink?

    hope you feel better soon Gwen

    ps: we should all nurture our inner child xx

  8. I have days on which I'd like to throw daggers (literally) at every fucking person that gets in my way. I don't know why. It's days like that when I want to pick smoking up again. That's a pretty childlike response.

  9. Wear a diaper to next weeks session.

  10. Bad things happen for no rhyme or reason--not because someone else is feeling good. The worst thing happened to a friend of mine yesterday--and it happened just because. Not because someone else influenced it. You don't have that power over others.

    (Sorry if I sound like a bitch.)

  11. Oh God. I am hysterical over this post. Just as I was recovering from that? SciFi's suggestion to wear a diaper to your next session. What the hell is wrong with me? I obviously need to be reading SciFi's blog.

    I'd like to know how that feeling you're having is childish? I think I've shared here about being CONVINCED I was responsible for my grandpa's murder because I forgot to call him that morning. I believed (for a long time) that calling him would have made his schedule different just enough to prevent his murder. Did believing that make me childish? I don't fucking think so. It made me an adult who was seriously grieving and trying to figure shit out.
    I love it that people want to be therapist and help others. But some of the shit they come up with...oy vey!

  12. Awww man! Now I really wish I had health insurance so I could get a therapist to f with! Your so lucky Gwen!

  13. Nurse Myra - Thanks for answering my question -I really did want to know why we get that feeling at those types. I've had 4 sessions with my therapist and while he is Captian Obvious, like Formerly Fun said, I am just starting to feel comfortable enough to share the deeper thoughts and feelings. The idea of starting over with someone new exhausts me! I'm certainly trying to nurture myself. I fail miserably at that mostly, but there's something to be said for the attempt, right?

    A Free Man - It's comforting to know there are "normal" people out there with the same kinds of stabby feelings. You've come so far with the smoking, please don't let annoying fuckers set you back. You're a free man, in every sense of the word now. I'm rooting for you! Do something else child-like instead, play with your son's Transformers or Army men or something. Or color or mold playdough. God, the more I write the more I realize that my shrink is fucking right. I'm still 10 years old.

    Sci Fi Dad - Ok, that's fucking funny. I think it would land me squarely in some kind of treatment facility, however. I want to freak the guy out to punish him for patronizing me, not end up in 4 point restraints :) You know what's weird? Apparently there are grown people who DO wear diapers for like sexual reasons. I will never understand this as long as I live.

    Here in Franklin - You don't sound like a bitch at all. I love you when you're being no-nonsense and tough with me. Lord, you are right. I sound like a fucking narcissist or something. I know I don't have power over others, cognitively. I just have these terrible feelings of guilt that I haven't been able to shake. I really do appreciate your honest commentary and the fact that you still read my blog despite the fact that I'm frustrating.

    Mongolian Girl - You really need to read Sci Fi Dad's blog. He's fabulous. As for your grandpa and his murder, I'm going to sit here and tell you that of course it is not your fault, that no way you could have prevented it. It was a horrible thing and your grief and sadness is creating an unnecessary guilt. But I would be a hypocrite, because I would feel the EXACT same way if that had happened to my grandfather. It sort of goes back to what I was saying about Guntrip's theory: Some people would rather be bad than weak. In other words, my psyche would rather feel guilty about causing terrible things, than accept that I'm helpless and there was NOTHING I could have done to prevent the terrible things from happening. It's a weird, complex psychological thing. Definitely not childish in my opinion. It's a coping mechanism. The world hurls a lot of shit at us and sometimes the human brain crumbles under the weight of it. I'm glad you know now that you had no culpability in your grandpa's murder. That must have been a heavy, terrible burden to carry around with you on top of your grief. Thanks so much for understanding. Maybe I should hire you to be my therapist. At least you don't patronize me and make me feel small and silly.

  14. Alisha - Ha! You are the only person in the whole world who is jealous of me for being crazy and having a therapist. I love you for that.

  15. What the hell is wrong with me that I can't type tonight? I wrote "types" instead of "times" and "captian" instead of "captain". I'm a moron.

  16. You're a lil' bit OCD, didja know?

    Been there. Done that.

    Seriously, there are a whole lot of not-crazy people who have control issues that manifest like you describe. Some even know - intellectually - what is driving their thoughts and behaviors. But they can't make that intellectual knowledge override the emotional compulsions ... just like you describe. But recognizing it is a good start.

    Meh. You may have your therapist scared, but you don't intimidate me, lady. Heck, you're not even the bat-shit-craziest bitch on my blog roll. ;)

    Now, Scifi Dad on the other hand ... he kinda freaks me out a little sometimes. ;)

  17. Gwen, I hate to scare you, but I think we might be related some where along the line. I won't tell you how many people I've killed for cracking their gum and smacking their food. My back yard is full of those fuckers. ;)

    I like your idea of making your therapist squirm. That sounds better than an episode of In Treatment.

  18. I HATE when people crack their gum. Actually I even hate when they chew gum. I find gum-chewing gross.

  19. Gum is the DEVIL. The DEVIL, I tells ya. So much so that I do not allow my kids to chew it, and if other children come to my house and have it/chew it/smell like it, they cannot come in. I'm a big meany.

    Oh, and along with humming? WHISTLING. DO NOT DO THIS.

  20. I wonder about this guy. I'm glad you're continuing to give him a shot, but from what you write I wonder if he's equipped -- professionally and intellectually -- to help you. Don't hang in there indefinitely if you think he's not right for your needs, you know?