What is it about people cracking gum that makes we want to stab them? My boss' wife decided to grace me with her presence, for some reason, and there she sits fiddling with her email and cell phone all fucking cracking her stupid gum and humming. Did I mention that humming makes me murderous, too? One day, you are going to see me on the news or on Court TV after a bloody rampage. Everybody will wonder why, why?, did this girl commit such a heinous act? And I will only say, "People who crack gum and hum deserve to have their skulls crushed."
I know you are thinking I'm a terrible person. I am a terrible person. But I honestly want someone to put a bullet in my head right now and put me out of my misery from all this humming and cracking of gum. I am slowly losing the tiny will I had to live. My soul is withering to the sound of humming and cracking of gum. I feel like my senses are heightened and the noise is just pulsing right into the nerve centers of my brain. Maybe I have some kind of untapped superpower. Who the fuck knows.
And now the rage and hurricane of negative emotion has subsided. Because she is gone. Don't worry, I didn't kill her. It's like such a relieving feeling for the rage to leave my body. You know that feeling you get when you almost get in a car accident, but then you don't, and it's like your limbs feel all jello-like and tingly? Is that adrenaline? What is that chemically that makes a person feel that way? Anyway, I feel like that a lot in response to situations that aren't even technically life-threatening. It's as if my body is responding as though I were in a life-threatening situation and yet logically I acknowledge that I am not. I tried to explain this to my therapist yesterday, rather inelegantly. Lately, words weigh a ton, like thick bars of lead. They just don't come easy, whether spoken or written. Everything is a challenge. That's my excuse for this shit post.
I finally express to this shrink another odd thing that I am feeling, which is that there is some strange connection between my acceptance of my right to enjoy life, and my sister getting cancer. I know it's technically a coincidence that as soon as I stopped starving myself and torturing myself mercilessly, my sister got sick. But I have this sinking feeling that there is a connection. Or on a broader scale, that my level of happiness is inversely related somehow to the suffering of others. Maybe, "inversely" is the wrong word. It's been a while since I studied that statistical shit. Anyway, I feel like the more happy I am, the more others have to suffer because of it. Like there is payment to be made for it in some way. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
So he gets that puzzled look on his face or more accurately a look of concern which conveys: "This bitch is crazier than I thought."
I tried to explain, "I know that logically this can not be true. I'm not a stupid person. But I feel like it's true. I haven't been able to make the frightened feelings and the panic go away when I feel joy for any amount of logical thought."
And then he fucking says, sort of haltingly, "I have to tell you that a lot of your thought processes are very child-like."
When I take affront to that - because it's not my thoughts so much as my fucking feelings that are the problem - he says, "Well that's not necessarily a bad thing."
It's not? I'm almost 34 years old. What part of thinking like a child is not a bad thing? Anyway, he concludes thusly, "I'm not trained in psychoanalysis, but if I had to guess I would say that at some point in your early development something happened that got you stuck there." Fuck you, faux Freud. I don't really think it takes years of clinical training to figure out that my problems are rooted in childhood.
Part of me wants to go in next week and tell him I've been having sexual fantasies about him. Just to make him squirm. Let me clarify, I'm definitely not having sexual fantasies about him. He's just...like a high school English teacher or something. He's not unattractive or anything. Just his demeanor is so...god, I wish I had the words to describe it. But they're too heavy to lift out of my bruised psyche at the moment. But it would be kind of interesting to see how he reacted to that sordid information. See? I'm not child-like. At all.
19 hours ago