I think we can all agree that I'm a pretty fucked up individual. That undeniable truth, combined with the obscenely close relationship I enjoy with my television set, has prompted me to compile a list of the fucked up fictional guys I want to fuck. It was super fun making this list and it got my mind off of the cancer shit I've been dealing with lately.
Some of these guys you know,
some you may not.
They all have tales of woe
They all are really hot.
10. Walter White (Breaking Bad) - yeah, I mean Bryan Cranston. Yeah, that's Malcom's dad from Malcolm in the Middle. He's a whole new brand of awesome on an absolutely amazing TV show. He's a chemistry teacher dying of cancer and cooking up pure batches of crystal meth. And when he's not doing that he's coming up with hare-brained schemes (hair brained? Whatever) to outwit druglords. Oh and sometimes he kills them. What's not to love?
9. Wes Krulik (Damages) - Oh my god - this guy is so fucking hot. He's so hot that I don't even care that he's a shady spy who may or may not eventually murder that skinny ass Ellen Parsons. He could murder me any day of the week, as long as he fucked me before he shot me in the head.
8. Chuck Bass (Gossip Girl) - Physically, he's not really much to look at. And his outfits are too often closer to "clown gear" than "society gear" for my liking. And he's kind of sort of a sociopath. But damn if his voice doesn't make my panties wet. Yeah, yeah, I know he's supposed to be a teenager and all. But it's a fictional reality where teenagers go to bars and drink dirty martinis. This isn't really a high school show and you know it. P.S. Nate Archibald's a very close second for my Gossip Girl lust.
7. Michael Scofield (Prison Break) - They call hims "The pretty" in certain circles. "The blue steel" in others. He's just a smoking hot engineer who seems to get dumber and dumber the longer the show stays on the air. But I'd still fuck the blue right out of his eyes.
6. La Bambi (Capadocia) - Okay, not a guy. But a really bad-ass prison lesbian with these cutesy braids in her hair. When she's not fucking The Columbian, she's kicking ass all over Capadocia. It turns me right on, it does.
5. Patrick Jane (The Mentalist) - Former faux psychic turned criminal investigator Patrick Jane is the most wounded character to hit my TV screen in a long time. He taunted a serial killer who responded by slaughtering his wife and daughter. Ouchie. Despite his blatant emotional wounds, he's super sexy with his quiet manner and intense way of staring the clothes right off a girl. He can take one look at a woman and know every thing about her, no doubt down to her kinky predilections in bed. I have a lot of those. Patrick Jane, clad in his 3 piece suit, can tie me up, spank my ass, fuck me hard any day of the week. Preferably every day.
4. Charles Brandon (The Tudors) - This character is actually based on the real life 16th century Duke of Suffolk. His best friend is King Henry VIII, so he's pretty much a misogynistic elitist asshole. But you will honestly never lay eyes upon a more perfect specimen of a man.
3. Gregory House (House) - He's a gimp, a drug addict, and an asshole. Also, hot. Don't ask me to explain it because I can't. Some desires defy explanation.
2. Jimmy McNulty (The Wire) - I know it isn't even technically on the air anymore but I recently discovered this gem of a show and its majorly hot star. He's an alcoholic, a cheater, and an asshole. Just my type, apparently.
1. Don Draper aka Dick Whitman (Mad Men) - Mysterious, wounded, intelligent, creative, womanizing, lying, and unbelievably hot. My favorite asshole of all the assholes.