Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Fucked up Guys I Want to Fuck

I think we can all agree that I'm a pretty fucked up individual. That undeniable truth, combined with the obscenely close relationship I enjoy with my television set, has prompted me to compile a list of the fucked up fictional guys I want to fuck. It was super fun making this list and it got my mind off of the cancer shit I've been dealing with lately.
Some of these guys you know,
some you may not.
They all have tales of woe
They all are really hot.
10. Walter White (Breaking Bad) - yeah, I mean Bryan Cranston. Yeah, that's Malcom's dad from Malcolm in the Middle. He's a whole new brand of awesome on an absolutely amazing TV show. He's a chemistry teacher dying of cancer and cooking up pure batches of crystal meth. And when he's not doing that he's coming up with hare-brained schemes (hair brained? Whatever) to outwit druglords. Oh and sometimes he kills them. What's not to love?

9. Wes Krulik (Damages) - Oh my god - this guy is so fucking hot. He's so hot that I don't even care that he's a shady spy who may or may not eventually murder that skinny ass Ellen Parsons. He could murder me any day of the week, as long as he fucked me before he shot me in the head.

8. Chuck Bass (Gossip Girl) - Physically, he's not really much to look at. And his outfits are too often closer to "clown gear" than "society gear" for my liking. And he's kind of sort of a sociopath. But damn if his voice doesn't make my panties wet. Yeah, yeah, I know he's supposed to be a teenager and all. But it's a fictional reality where teenagers go to bars and drink dirty martinis. This isn't really a high school show and you know it. P.S. Nate Archibald's a very close second for my Gossip Girl lust.

7. Michael Scofield (Prison Break) - They call hims "The pretty" in certain circles. "The blue steel" in others. He's just a smoking hot engineer who seems to get dumber and dumber the longer the show stays on the air. But I'd still fuck the blue right out of his eyes.

6. La Bambi (Capadocia) - Okay, not a guy. But a really bad-ass prison lesbian with these cutesy braids in her hair. When she's not fucking The Columbian, she's kicking ass all over Capadocia. It turns me right on, it does.

5. Patrick Jane (The Mentalist) - Former faux psychic turned criminal investigator Patrick Jane is the most wounded character to hit my TV screen in a long time. He taunted a serial killer who responded by slaughtering his wife and daughter. Ouchie. Despite his blatant emotional wounds, he's super sexy with his quiet manner and intense way of staring the clothes right off a girl. He can take one look at a woman and know every thing about her, no doubt down to her kinky predilections in bed. I have a lot of those. Patrick Jane, clad in his 3 piece suit, can tie me up, spank my ass, fuck me hard any day of the week. Preferably every day.

4. Charles Brandon (The Tudors) - This character is actually based on the real life 16th century Duke of Suffolk. His best friend is King Henry VIII, so he's pretty much a misogynistic elitist asshole. But you will honestly never lay eyes upon a more perfect specimen of a man.

3. Gregory House (House) - He's a gimp, a drug addict, and an asshole. Also, hot. Don't ask me to explain it because I can't. Some desires defy explanation.

2. Jimmy McNulty (The Wire) - I know it isn't even technically on the air anymore but I recently discovered this gem of a show and its majorly hot star. He's an alcoholic, a cheater, and an asshole. Just my type, apparently.

1. Don Draper aka Dick Whitman (Mad Men) - Mysterious, wounded, intelligent, creative, womanizing, lying, and unbelievably hot. My favorite asshole of all the assholes.


  1. Oh, I totally have a list of characters that I would fuck, while not giving the actors a second look (of course, I have a list of actors, too). And usually those characters are snarky, asshole, douchbags. No, I'm not at all fucked up.

  2. The dude that plays Dexter, yes, the serial killer Dexter. I don't have premium cable but I gotta da Netflix and I am hardcore addicted to Dexter and weeds.

  3. How could I forget about Dexter? I would fuck Dexter in a heartbeat. Absolutely.

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. Dude, I want to fuck Bryan Cranston as Bryan Cranston, Walter White and heck even as Dr. Tim Whatley. I love that man.

    And Jon Hamm is a god among men.

    *Sorry for the deleted post. I always have problems posting on here.

  6. I totally agree about Gregory House. I love him!

  7. Dude, I'd fuck House.

    He wrote a book, The Gun Seller - it's hilarious in that dry, British way.

    For real.

  8. What do you think House does with cane?

  9. Somebody stole my Dexter comment. I want him badddd! Even more than I wanted John Stamos as "Blackie" on General Hospital when I was 12.


  10. Patrick Jane is righteous. He always seems to be the only one who is in on the joke too.

    I've always liked Simon Baker, but Patrick Jane is right on.

  11. Eddie Izzard.

    I'd add Eddie Izzard.

    He's gotta be pretty fucked up, right?

  12. Not sure why this post got me slightly aroused!

  13. You're aroused, Anonymous, because all these guys are really hot, that's why. I'm ashamed to admit this, well read hostess, but I have no idea who Eddie Izzard is. Enlighten me.

  14. Totally Chuck Bass and the guy from Mentalist-- and why do they continue to let that guy "Dan" stay on Gossip Girl?
    You know you love me. xoxo

  15. Florida Girl - I thought about Simon Cowell and he is plenty fucked up, but he is a real person and didn't qualify for my characterr list. As for Dan Humphrey, he is one of those guys that is cute sometimes and ugly at others. Sometimes his mouth creeps me out.

    You know who needs to go on my list is Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights. Fucked up? Check. Hot as Hell? Check

  16. Gregory House. The things I could do to that man.

  17. Jess Mariano - the hot badass guy in gilmore girls? I had a stretch of free time this summer where I went a little mad cray on GG and ended up with a slightly serious crush on that character - this updated from my seventh grade self who liked Dean better.
    So yeah, Jess/Milo (the actor) definitely on my "To fuck" list. Even though he's 30.

    p.s. Thank you for the kind words on the blog. Stupid hacks.

  18. Where do your blogs keep on going? They keep leaving, and I like them.

  19. Rassles - I've been feeling like my writing has been flat and uninspired lately. When I reread some of my posts I thought, "This is so bad, it's embarrassing." So I took them down. Thanks for noticing my writing has been "disappearing". I'll keep the latest one up. I promise!!!

  20. Jason Statham. Mmmmm.

    Ps.."fuck the blue out of his eyes"? Fucking priceless.

  21. You should see Hugh Laurie playing George in Blackadder. If that doesn't bump him to number 1 I don't know what does.

    And definitely Eddie Izzard, I've had a thing for him for years.