Friday, March 20, 2009

Tantrums and other sobering realities

A new day and a thin blanket of snow brings clarity to the woman in the Bell Jar. Did you hear that tapping last night? That was me, chiseling my way out with Betsey's shiv. I have these days where my fear turns me into a batshit crazy raving lunatic. Sometimes, I make idle threats about ramming my car into a telephone pole and blaming it on the rain, like in that horrible Milli Vanilli song. I just do that shit. It's like a grown up temper tantrum. I mean, I still feel like shit and I'm still going to die, sooner rather than later, but fuck it. My tears and childish protests aren't going to change anything about that.

Let's face it, the business of dying is Boring. So now I'm back to the real important business of my life, which is, of course, being irritated by stupid shit. Yesterday, I was driving home in the rain trying to find the perfect telephone pole to wrap my car around when I see one of those dumb ass Baby on Board signs tacked to the rear window of the car in front of me. I've talked about Baby on Board signs already. I don't need to go into why I hate them or why you should hate them (and you really, really should). But it's like my worst fears are being realized on all levels. A cancer scare and now baby on board signs are back in action. What next, God? Bring it on.


  1. Gwen I love your writing, I am sorry for all the stuff you have to deal with right now, anything I can do Please let me know. Listen I think Baby on board signs suck too, I am gonna get one for my car that says "OUT OF SHAPE MOM OF 2 TRYING TO QUIT SMOKING ON BOARD" That would be a big ass fucken sign, but if you saw that you would laugh your ass off.... Listen advertising you have a baby in your car is like asking for an AMBER ALERT..... Just the past 2 weeks I have had were hellacious, driving my car into the river crossed my mind several times...... Keep your head up.....Love to you and keep writing......Heather Ferguson McGuire

  2. I always thought the Baby on Board signs were stupid, but I didn't hate them until they bloomed into Every Fucking Thing You Could Possibly Think Of on Board signs. Now - I despise them.

  3. I once saw this woman driving a big-ass Volvo down the street with several kids. No car seats. No seat belts. And I just know that if you had asked her why she drove a Volvo she would have told you "because it's so safe."

    Oh--welcome back.

  4. I took the previous post for exactly what it was. Because although I've never committed it to paper (or the internet), I've written that post in my head before. I get it.

    (And I had a post on the Baby on Board signs planned for this week. No need, now.)

  5. Heather - thanks for reading and commenting!

    Gina - The only ...on board sign I can understand is Bitch on Board, and that's only because I think that's good to know. Thanks for the comment.

    Here in Franklin - I am back and so glad to be. And your little anecdote cracked me up. Thanks for your comment!

    Praying to Darwin - I'd LOVE to read your post on Baby on Board signs. Please, please, please write it. There just isn't enough hate towards them in the world right now. And thanks for understanding. I thought about taking the post down but then thought, "Nah. It was me having a time. If someone doesn't get that then they just don't get me." Thanks for reading and commenting.

  6. Hello Miss Gwen....finally catching up and reading your amazing writing...What's going on girl??? You know I'm always here to talk, NO MATTER WHAT!!!!! LOVE YA