Sunday, June 14, 2009

Those Lips I've Kissed

In lieu of ice cream after Liv's recital last weekend, we opted for over-priced lattes and ridiculously fattening bakery items from our friendly neighborhood Starbucks. I stood at the counter waiting patiently for our drink order while Todd and Liv stayed in the car. I nibbled disgustingly on my ridiculously fattening bakery item while I bided the time it took my barista to make our drinks. Of course, it is between a mouthful of fattening bakery item that I should lock eyes with an old lover placing his order at the register. Yeah, that one. There he stood with his smoldering hotness erupting like lava all over the cashier. I sympathized. After all, I'd been under the spell of his charms, I was so hypnotized by them that I spread my legs for him. And that was at a time when I spread my legs for no one.

After our eyes met, we both quickly looked away. Neither one of us was willing to commit to the moment, to acknowledge the presence of the other. There's nothing to say. Any dialogue exchanged would be so empty. The nature of our relationship was that he deflowered me one sordid night in January 2001. Sure we had somewhat of a friendship, but underneath that friendship, the only thing it was leading up to, was that beautiful fuck. I thought I loved him. But the truth is that I only made myself believe that because I thought I had to justify my wanton behavior.

Eventually he walked over to where I stood with a little bag of baked goods to wait for his own drink. I looked over at his hands for confirmation that it was him. He had the most distinct hands, rough and dry with oddly bent thumbs. I gasped softly when I saw those hands. Hands that had touched my body in the most intimate way. Hands attached to a man that had shared the most vulnerable moment of my life. He stood two feet away from me but he might as well have been standing on the moon. For a second I thought about saying hello, catching up. Maybe he had the same thoughts. Perhaps he was waiting for me to make the first move, break the ice, let him know it was OK. Or maybe he was glad I didn't try to engage him in conversation. I leaned nonchalantly against the counter and knocked over a little paper sign. I felt like an idiot. I looked like shit. I took my lattes, thanked the barista, took one last look at those lips I've kissed and walked away.

Have any of you had a strange encounter with an ex-boyfriend or lover?


  1. A month before my wedding, my dad and I were on our way to a father-daughter dance lesson in preparation of our dance together at the reception. We had to park farther away from the instructor's house than usual, and on the walk there I passed by my ex-boyfriend - *that* ex-boyfriend, who had broken my heart and whom I had forgiven, and later, who I un-forgave and broke his heart - just two years earlier.

    We paused for a moment to say our hellos, and when I explained my purpose for being in that place where neither of us lived, I could see I was breaking his heart all over again. It was... surreal. (And a wee bit empowering: I had moved on for the better. Had he?)

  2. I hardly ever see my ex husband but when I do I just wonder what I ever saw in him. Kinda sad really.

  3. I see an ex-husband every now and then. But, like nursemyra, wonder what I ever saw in him.
    *That* ex-boyfriend is someone I think about from time to time. But it was a bizarre relationship that only overwhelmed me the entire time.
    I'm much happier with the calm, sweet love of my Hellbilly.

  4. Oof. Gut punching moment there, Gwen. I haven't run into my ex-boyfriend -- the significant ex -- in years, and I hope not to. I don't hate him or anything, it's just... I don't know. He was my first love.

  5. I haven't, but that's because I moved around a lot when I was in university for co-op.

    My wife invited three exes to our wedding (two because they were married/engaged to current girlfriends of hers, one because his parents became family friends).

  6. Wow, Gwen, we WERE totally in each other's heads this weekend, weren't we? Kinda creepy. In a good way :)

    But, yeah, this is exactly the kind of thing I was thinking about when I wrote my post.

    I had one super-brief, random encounter with THAT ex-lover several years ago - literally a bump-into-each-other-on-a-crowded-street sort of a deal. I was with my husband. I made awkward introductions and we each went on our way. We barely exchanged hello-goodbyes. But the moment stuck with me with a sort of gut-punched surrealness.

    Why is it that in our fantasy run-ins with past loves, we are beautiful and poised and the clever remarks spill from our lips like diamonds ... but, in reality, those moments turn out to be fumbling and awkward and disturbing?

    Do you think it's (mostly) only women who embue those moments with such feelingand import? Do men think about these things as we do? Do they replay every word and gesture during their idle moments over the next few days? Or do they just slough the whole thing off 30 seconds later?

    I'm inclined to think it's more the latter.

    Sentimental creatures, we.

  7. I was at my 20th class reunion and The Ex wasn't there and I was kind of glad. And then he walked in, and I watched his (really beautiful, amazingly nice) wife say, "There's Gina!" (I didn't know her, but she recognized me from photos he had, and drag him over to sit next to me. It was a nice night, and she and I hit it off great, but there was still that big, giant something that sat there with me all night.

    There is another ex that I actually both hope to see, and yet hope I never see, because the big giant something may be too much.

  8. Oh yeah.

    A long time ago, I had a summer job at a law firm - administrative, I'm not a lawyer. Towards the end of the summer, I looked up from my desk, and a high school boyfriend was standing there. Someone I hadn't seen in five years? Turned out that he was in law school, and had been at the firm ALL SUMMER as a summer associate. What's more, he knew I was working there. It wasn't until his last day that he came by. Weird.

  9. I seriously GASPED when I read that you ran into him. And I totally remember his crazy thumbs but he was hot.

    I practically have panic attacks when I see people I know in the grocery store and shit. Like if I saw you, my own sister, in a store, I would probably freak out and high tail it out of there. I just never know what to say to people when I run into them.

  10. Jodi you are retarted! I ran into Kristin the other day. It was awkward.

  11. Yup. Ran into the high school sweetheart (the guy that took my virginity. Or rather the one I gave it to.) ten years after I last saw him. It was right before I got pregnant with my first, I was pretty damn skinny and hot, my hair was down to my behind. I looked the best I've ever looked. It was at a baseball game, I was with my hubby, he was with his dad. They both made their excuses to hit the bathroom since the game was in extra innings. We talked for a few minutes and I was soooooo excited to see he looked like crap, was going bald and had broken up with the biatch that he dumped me for.

    I had the best sex with my husband that night...

  12. Well, not unusual but certainly as uncomfortable as yours. Mine never seem to end very well. I'm a dickhead.

    That being said, I'm in touch with the love of my college life again - nearly 20 years on - and that's relatively friendly. So maybe not a complete dickhead.

  13. This has happened to me more than I care to think about. And its always when I look like total dog shit.

    Ps....that post had nothing to do with you, Love. I responded to you in my comments, but I'm not sure if you'll go back.

  14. Oh, I can totally picture the moment. I don't recall it ever happening to me.