Saturday, June 20, 2009

Onions are Assholes


I'm so fucking sick of onions ruining food and people just letting them get away with it. Onions give me the creeps, they really do. Nasty tasting, foul smelling, ruining every day of my life. These fuckers are in everything. Everything. I'll order a salad sans onions. I'm very, very allergic to onions, I say. The waitress is skeptical, but fuck her. I'm all alone in the world against an unstoppable force that is inexplicably popular. When I get my salad it's covered, smothered, in circles of white tyranny. I know she did it on purpose, fucking bitch. I'm all alone in the world. So what happens next is I sigh loudly and my table mates say, "Just take them off."

Just take them off? Did you ever notice how even if you take an onion off your sandwich you can still taste it? How is that even normal? You know what other kinds of tastes linger long? Poison. Venom. Gasoline. Not to mention the stench an onion leaves on your fingers long after you touched it. I touched an onion once and my fingers still smelled like it a week later. I kept washing my hands, over and over and over. Nothing would get the disgusting aroma off my fingers. I fucking hate onions so, so much.

The only time it was convenient to hate onions was when I had anorexia. Since everything had onions in it, I had a ready-made excuse to not eat anything. "Oh wow. That chicken salad looks fabulous. It's a shame it has onions in it or I would totally devour a whole bowl of it. Honest." And I'd manage to look really disappointed about this. And then my mom got wise and started making me my own special portions of food. Like, I'd go over there and use my line and she'd say, "Oh Gwen, I made this one especially for you. There aren't any onions in it." Shit. Well played, mom, well played. You know how much pressure it puts on a girl when somebody makes food especially for her? Fresh out of excuses, I'd have to eat it and purge afterward. See how onions ruin lives?
You know what makes we want to just give up on existing? When I make something delicious, like macaroni and cheese, without onions and someone says, "You know what would have been great in this? Onions." I swear to Jesus, there has to have been some kind of Voo Doo brainwashing trickery going on when the taste buds of our human ancestors were forming. Why else would something that actually makes us cry be so fucking insidiously popular? That should throw up a red flag, when our automatic response to a "food" item is tears, don't you think? And how wicked is it that when we take a knife to these monsters, we're the ones that end up weeping? That's pure evil, my friends.

Onions have pulled the wool over everybody's eyes. For some reason, people love them. Chopped raw, fried, in rings, caramelized, bloomed into some kind of mutant flower. But people love a lot of things that I don't understand, that I find to be painful and/or repugnant. Dancing with The Stars. Twilight. Bumper Stickers. Miley Cyrus. Getting fucked in the ass. Spelling words wrong. Square Dancing. Crocs. Desperate Housewives. I'm getting used to hating things that everybody loves. In fact, sometimes I hate something just because everybody loves it. I stand alone. Anyway, onions are assholes. And deep down inside you know I'm right.


Image Credit: Cathlooi
Image Credit: Laura.Bell

23 comments:

  1. I used to work at McDonald's, and came home every day smelling like onions and pickles. No matter how hard I scrubbed, no matter how long I showered, I constantly smelled like fast food.

    I do, however, love onions, so I guess that makes me bad, eh? Onion rings are the bomb; I go the Outback just for the Blooming Onion. I also love fresh chopped onions on hot dogs. With relish.

    Yum . . .

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  2. Wait a second. You don't like getting fucked in the ass?!?!?!?

    I don't even know what to say.

    sigh...

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  3. Watching Miley Cyrus is like getting fucked in the ass. With an onion.

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  4. You are 100 percent correct. Onions are Evil. Note the capial E. I can't even stand it when one of my co-workers eats onions in the same wing as my office. Blech. LITERALLY gives me a migraine just to smell them. Worst Vegetable Ever. I'll take any of your painful and/or repugnant activities over onions anyday.

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  5. Why would anyone eat anything that smells (and presumably tastes) EXACTLY like a homeless man's armpit?

    Onions are so vile and disgusting that I can't even eat something in the same ROOM as an onion. Just take them off, my ass.

    Onions are disgusting. Mushrooms are disgusting. I used to work at Rite Aid in West Chester (miles away fromt he mushroom capital of the world) any time it rained, mushrooms would sprout in the flower boxes and parking lot grass, and instead of pulling them out, we would put gynelotrimin or tinactin on them and watch them melt.

    I wouldn't eat a yeast infection or athletes foot, be it grown on a person or in the dirt

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  6. I don't know how to cook without onions.

    But that's not really the point, is it?

    Can I ask you a question that you can answer offline if you like. Or not at all.

    How did you kick the anorexia. Someone close to me is killing herself and she can't stop and she's in her mid 30s so isn't going to grow out of it. And I'm clueless. I've kicked an addiction of my own so I get 'it', but am curious how it works for anorexia.

    chris(at)afreeman(dot)org if you're so inclined.

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  7. Being Italian, I, unfortunately, cannot agree with you. It's against the law or something.

    Also? You just haven't eaten onions in something I have made.

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  8. You are not my sister! Onions are the greatest. I can see not liking them raw, although I do. However, when they are cooked (roasted, sauteed) they get sweet and don't even taste or smell anything near a raw onion.

    And if you ate my orzo salad yesterday, I think you may have consumed a caramelized onion or two. Hee hee :)

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  9. Hey, can you e-mail me at pillars_of_color@yahoo.com? You are wicked hard to reach.

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  10. Rob - I thought you were awesome. This just confirmed it.

    Cheek of God - A lot of people like those blooming onions. To me they're like little nightmares, truth be told. It's like my worst fears come to fruition, onions, fried foods, twisted into a warped flower.

    Candice - I know, I KNOW. Everybody loves getting fucked in the ass but me, it would seem. Anytime a guy has even tried, I screamed. It HURTS. I like pain during sex but not that much pain. A smack on the butt? Sure. Love it. But entry will always be denied.

    Yellow trash diaries - that is the most perfect description of Miley Cyrus I have ever heard. Bravo!

    Lora - Marry me? No really. We're like soulmates. They DO smell like a homeless man's armpit. Dead on description. Nothing that smells that bad should be eaten. Period.

    Zen Mom - Marry me, too. We can be polygamists, you, me and Lora. I would be so happy. Onions suck so bad. And what's scary is that there's only a small portin of people that know it. That aren't under the influence of their insidious powers. It's like the matrix and we're the only ones who know the reality of the world.

    A Free Man - I sent you an email. It's prolific, but informative. Unlike most of my blogs, which are prolific but uninformative. I hope it helps. It's terrible to see people suffer and not know how to help them.

    Sci Fi dad - as much as I hate onions, I think I would be willing to actually try something you made with onions in it. Just to prove that you're wrong. Or maybe you would turn me over to the dark side, who knows? (See, I'm speaking your language there with the dark side/Star Wars references)

    Jodi - I'm pretty sure we're related. But you must be mutated. No, that's me. Sigh. Your orzo salad WAS good. There were onions in that? BITCH. No wonder I'm in a pissy mood today. I accidentally ingested the evil. You must have done some voodoo magic to disguise the horrible taste or you're lying to mindfuck me.

    Trouble - I sent you an email. why am I so hard to reach? I thought I had my email in my profile. Maybe it's not there. I'll go check that out.

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  11. I'm at a bit of a loss here. I want to jump on this rant with you. But I like onions.

    I feel terrible.

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  12. Gwen, it is posts like this one that make me want to jump through my computer screen and hug you. How do you feel about coriander?

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  13. While I agree with everything else you hate, I happen to LOVE onions. How do you feel about garlic (because if you hate that too, I'm afraid I will need to break up with you)?

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  14. Oh my god, I could eat onions like apples if I had the chance. Love them.

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  15. Ah, the onion post. I've been waiting with bated breath.

    How do you feel about garlic and scallions and shallots and chives?

    For me, replace "onion" with "anchovy" and I'll take your post.

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  16. Ginny - Don't feel bad. Nobody's perfect ;)

    Frogspond - Hmmm...I don't know that I've had coriander. I'll have to get back to you on that one. So if you want to hug me because of this post does that mean you agree with me?

    Sandi - Weirdly I actually like garlic. It does make your hands smell if you touch it, so I'm wary of it. But the taste and smell doesn't repulse me as much. So, yay! We're still going out right?

    Rassles - Don't ever compare onions to apples. Not ever. Not EVER. Ok, I'm done. As you were.

    Magpie - I hope you actually weren't waiting with bated breath. It's not the best post I've ever written. I actually had it in my saved drafts for a while and was debating whether to post it. I like garlic in small doses. Hate scallions and shallots and chives as much as onions. Also, I feel you on the anchovies.

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  17. About a year ago I could have jumped on board with this one whole-heartedly. But now I have to step back from the onion hate. They're not so bad, really. Really very good sometimes.

    I know. I'm a traitor. I also like it up the butt.

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  18. I used to be there with you but about a year or two ago I found that I like onions. Only cooked mind you but up till then i only liked onion rings and then only sometimes.Now I don't think I cook one meal without onion in something and sometimes in more than one thing.It is weird if you think about it how do you just wake up one morning and decide to like something? I think it had to do with an article I saw (or something) that was about how to keep them from making you cry.Once I found out that I could rinse mots of the evil off they tasted pretty good.The trick is to rinse it after you cut it in half although I have on occasion chopped and rinsed the whole thing .But I have not gone completely to the dark side because I'm totally with you on the butt thing.e w w !

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  19. I don't know, Gwen, I'm gonna have to side with the onion here. I think you've made a lot of unfair accusations about him and he's been a good friend to me at times. Think of spagetti sauce and navy bean soup. He's not always a dick. Just sometimes, like when he tries to fuck around with chicken salad.

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  20. Onions are the work of Satin. They are in everything unfortunately. I believe food manufacturers should produce food such as pies, pizzas, sauces and soups etc that don't contain this evil. Talk to the brainwashed, i.e those that love onions, and you mention to them you hate onions, they look at you as if you commited an act of serious crimes against humanity and they will say things like "the onions are chopped into tiny pieces so surely you can't taste them", or "pick them out and place them to one side". Well sorry, I can still taste their vile taste even if they are chooped into small pieces, and if onion lovers consider them too small to taste why do they put them there in the first place if they can't be tasted? Maybe those among us who detest onions should burn all onion crops to rid the world of this evil and we can order a burger safe in the knowledge that this evil won't be scattered on it.

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