Monday, April 6, 2009

Baby's Named A Bad, Bad Thing

"LOS ANGELES, Calif. -- Former "Bachelorette" Trista Sutter and husband Ryan are proud parents to a baby girl, People reported.

According to the mag, Blakesley Grace was born on Friday, weighing in at 6 lbs., 2 oz and is 19 inches long."

What the fuck kind of a name is Blakesley? That has to be one of the most horrible, nauseatingly ridiculous names I've heard in a long time. And people, there are tons of terrible names being saddled on babies every day. Happy Birthday! Here's a stupid, "uneekly" spelled moniker you'll have to explain and excuse for the rest of your life!

I knew I wasn't alone in my hatred of atrocious baby naming trends the day I found this wonderful blog called Baby's Named A Bad, Bad Thing. It helps to know I'm not the only one who cringes when reading the birth announcements in the paper, or hearing the new name of a co-worker's granddaughter. It's an unnatural, fuming distress I feel when someone tells me that they named their daughter Ryan or Owen. I have to stifle the urge to say, "Umm, why? That's a boy's name." I could maybe understand if there were some sort of shortage of beautiful female names. There is not. In fact, there are thousands upon thousands of rarely used girl names.

You know what else? I want to tear out my eyeballs with my bare hands when I see beautiful, traditional names butchered with weird spellings. Here's how I imagine the naming process goes.

"What about Ashley?"

"Well, that's a cute name. But it's too...I don't know, normal. I want my little girl to be different and unique. Let's spell it: Aashleigh."

"Wow. That's so edgy."

Except it's not edgy. It's stupid. It's still Ashley only it's spelled completely wrong. It makes me seethe. I've seen shit like this: Alyvya. Myshell. Tyffyny. I'm not kidding. I've seen that shit with my own eyes. There is a "Y" disease going around. Young mothers are especially vulnerable. There currently is no cure.

I'm not saying that we need to go back to the days when everyone was named John and Mary. A name doesn't have to be boring or uninteresting. I just wish people would stop making up names by pushing together random cutesy syllables, or rearranging great, traditional names into atrocious mockeries of the originals, or selecting surnames/occupation names for their children that have no linkage to their own family heritage. We're talking about a name. We're talking about a thing that someone will be carrying around with them for the whole of his or her childhood and teenage years, possibly his or her entire life. It's not about our vanity as parent. It's not a time to flex our creative muscle and get "crazy" and "artistic". Our names do not define us, but I can't help but think they could hurt us. Tyfyny just might not get the call for the job interview, while Katherine would. It is isn't fair. But that's life.

So you can add "name snob" to the growing list of my terrible qualities. I own it along with all the rest of them. I don't expect you to give a fuck about my opinion on modern trends in human nomenclature. But for the love of God, Buddha, the sun, or whatever else it is you're worshipping, please don't name your next child Neveah. I hate that name with the burning hot magma of a million trillion volcanoes, with the force of at least 10 atomic bombs, and possibly with the force of the big bang. That's a whole lot. The name Neveah needs to die a quick, painless death and all the children that have been saddled with it need to be released from their bondage and given sweet, sensible names like Eve or Lily or Sarah. Together we can rid the earth of this plague of "Neveah is heaven spelled backwards!1!!! Isn't it the kewlest name eva?" It's not even heaven spelled backwards. It's haeven spelled backwards. And isn't a backwards heaven more like hell? Anyway, I hate it. HATE.

For the very few that do give a fuck about my opinion, here are a few of my pretentious and arrogant naming rules.

1. You can't go wrong with a traditional name when it is assigned to the correct gender and, this is most important, spelled correctly.
2. Unusual names are fine if they are actual names and not just words (Bird, Apple, Chair, Moon) or made up with your ridiculous imagination. There are tons of amazing, beautiful names from various cultures and languages to choose from.
3. If you must name your child something weird or weirdly spelled, then at least have the decency to make this your child's middle name. Or, better yet just use the name for your pet. But not a cat. Cat's have low tolerance for bullshit names. Try naming your cat Apple and see how quickly it starts pissing all over your carpet.
4. If you MUST use a surname as a first name, could you at least try to use a family name? And please don't burden your daughter with a surname for a first name. There's really no need for a girl to be named Walker or Jackson. That's just wrong.

This is all the bitch I have left in me. Seriously, I've been so preoccupied with living that I haven't had much time for bitching and moaning and acting like my opinions actually matter in the scheme of things. And that's a damn shame.

31 comments:

  1. The celebrities are the worst with their stupid names. When I hear a celebrity named their kid something normal (which is rare), I'm always shocked.

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  2. So I take it Heyidiot is out of the question?

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  3. Down here in Dixie, it's not uncommon to give a child the mother's maiden name. I have no problem with that. Like you, though, it's the novelty spellings that get me: Brittainey, Britany, Brittney, Brytiney...you get the picture. Also, Brookelynne drives me crazy. Why would you name your kid after a borough?

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  4. Blakesley made me think of a Beagle I would adopt from the local animal shelter.
    And, that last-name-as-first-name-thing? I have to admit I've always liked that and I don't know why.

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  5. Sandi - I agree. Celebrities are the worst offenders when it comes to horrible baby names. But a few have picked some cool, yet real, names. That's always a pleasant surprise.

    Keifer and Emo - I think you know the answer to that one. Honestly, though, I'd take the name Heyidiot over the name Neveah anyday.

    Here in Franklin - I think giving a child her or her mother's maiden name is interesting. I'm not fond of surnames as first names, but it works if there is some significance to the name (in my opinion). I just think it's weird when people give their kids names like Walker or Sawyer or Tucker or Reilly and that surname isn't even a family name. I don't get it. But, hey, it's just my opinion.

    Mongolian Girl - You're not alone in the whole love of surname as first name thing. Apparently, everybody think it's cool and unique. I don't get it. But, again, it's just my opinion. I'm in the minority, so I'm probably the weirdo.

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  6. Oh, oh, oh!!!

    What the fuck is up with everyone naming their children after Irish rogues?

    If anyone reading this has a child named Aidan, you are a predictable idiot, and there is no way to justify this to me. You did it because of Sex and the City.

    "Oh no," you say, "I've always loved that name. And then everyone else in the world stole it."

    So all of the thousands of individuals in the world woke up in 2002 and thought, "You know what name I've always loved? Aidan. Or anything that rhymes with it. Jayden, Brayden, Caden, Hayden, Flayden, Gaydon...seriously, pick any letter in the alphabet, and just put it before Aidan."

    Or, or, or...even worse: when you decide on a nickname for your child before you have it.

    Nicknames are pet names, they're reflections of your perception of a person. How can you just assign nicknames to strangers? I take nicknames very seriously.

    And obviously, I get annoyed with people.

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  7. This makes me wonder what you would think of my kid's names.

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  8. I think I've had at least five "babies whose name rhymes with Aidan" numbered between my friends and family in the past six years.

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  9. Rassles - Thank you for writing that. Every word of it is true. All of those -ayden names make my skin crawl. It's like everybody of childbearing age lost their mind at the same time. Another pet peeve of mine? All the variations of Kayley, Kylie, McKayla, Kahlen, Keegan,....ahhhh! And I don't understand people putting Mc in front of their kids' names either. McKayla? McKenzie? WHY? I get what you are saying about the nickname thing. There is something unnatural about assigning a nickname before we even lay eyes upon a person. Although, I'm equally annoyed by people who insist we call their little precious offspring by their full names. Like if you say, "Hey Andy! How are you?" And the mother says, "It's Andrew." Ugh. Whatever. I don't care, lady. I'm just trying to be nice to your kid. I'm not trying to develop a relationship with him. I notice people get especially hung up on boyish nicknames for girls,which makes me nuts. I can see if a little girl is sort of a tomboy. So instead of Charlotte, she gets "Charlie". But seriously, there are way too many parents I've heard saying, "Well we want to call her Sammy, or Andy, or Charlie." And the kid isn't even born yet.

    Betsey - I'm a name snob, obviously. But I don't heartily believe that my opinion is the only one that matters or anything. Some people might hate my daughter's name because it's so common. Sometimes I regret naming her Olivia because there are a million little Olivia's running around and also some ugly, cartoon pig on my TV screen now with the same name. But I live with my choice and so does she. It could be worse. A lot worse. It always can be.

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    1. I think Olivia is Lovely. It's not just about how it looks on paper, but the sound, and your daughter's sounds whimsical & I picture her playing dress-up tea party. Or is she more of a tree climbing tomboy? If she is the one in that pic she is Stunning! If she were a member of my "birth-fam" we would say, "she's got the Mahoney blue eyes" I only wish I had gotten them too :)
      k, i'll stop spamming(?) now <3

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  10. *Olivias running around not Olivia's. I hate when I mess up like that.

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  11. I have neighbors with twin girls. Named Hudson and Jordan. My sister thought their last name should be Rivers. It isn't. I'll email you the punchline, because I don't want it getting googled.

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  12. Ok you were coming very close to a punch in the face with the Kylie/Kaylie rant. Ok Kyla's name is annoying for all those reasons and yes has the dreaded k & y but come on shes your God damn niece. Show some R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

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  13. Magpie - Hudson and Jordan? Sigh. Jordan I can get behind. But Hudson? Really? Please email the punchline. I need a laugh today.

    Alisha - I didn't say that I didn't like the name Kyla. I actually do like it. Sorry if I didn't clarify that. But the others I mentioned? Hate. This is what I get for having a non-anonymous blog. I end up offending people I know rather than just people I don't know. I have all the R-E-S-P-E-C-T for Kyla in the world. Please don't take my rants too much to heart. It's a blog. And, honestly, if you said you didn't like Olivia's name, I wouldn't even be upset. Not everyone is going to like every name. It has nothing to do with respect. That being said, I like the name, "Kyla", as I have told you time and time again.

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  14. hahahahahha. You silly girl. Me not mad. You funny! And if it wasn't for your good for nothing brother her name would be Lily!!! Although I am sure he liked a much better name that I didn't agree to as well. Oh well. Kyla it is. And if it weren't for all the annoying Kaylas and Kylies of the world I think it actually wouldn't be so bad.

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    1. omg I LOVE the name Kyla Rae!!! To me, Kyla is seperate to Kayla & Kylie. Is sounds prettier, especially with the Rae at the end, flows together perfectly. Today is my first time to Gwen's blog & I am HOOKED! She is hilarious! And she is also humble, which is a Lovely combination.

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  15. Whew. You really had me all worked up. I even threatened to quit blogging on a private email to you. I'm hormonal right now. Lily. Sigh. I love that name. But Kyla it is. And it's fine. She works it out.

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  16. Ok Alisha...your turn. (I'm glad I'm not the only blogger whose family communicates in the comments. My niece totally called her mother out on my blog a few days ago--funny as hell!)

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  17. Um...my son's name is Aidan. Not because of Sex and the City. Because his father was an Irish rogue and it's a family name. Several cousins in Ireland (in their 40s now) have that name.

    And I made sure I spelled it the traditional way.

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  18. Sandi - I actually like the name Aidan. It's just the prevalence of it that drives me crazy. It's like all of a sudden everybody named their son Aidan, or some variation of it. And, hey, my daughter's name is uber-popular, too. Anyway, I hope I didn't offend you, Sandi. You know I love you :)

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  19. I love the name Olivia. Our baby sitter has a daughter named that.

    My kid's are Ian and Marley. I thought they were simple, really.

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  20. Oh and my son that died was named Jadon. Not because it was popular, but because I liked it and it was close to his dad's name, Jason w/o making him a Junior.

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  21. Betsey - After I posted my comment to Rassles on here, I thought about the fact that your son's name was Jadon and I worried that you might take offense to it. I feel like a meanie. How I feel about the -aydon names is just a silly opinion. I hope you realize that I don't mean to disrespect you or your son's memory. Obviously, you love the name. I do think it's neat that it was very close to his dad's name. I'm sorry if I upset your or hurt you, Betsey. Definitely not my intention. I'm not a mean person. I just have a lot of opinions. I need to be more careful with what I put up on my blog.

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  22. Gwen--

    No offense taken. My son is named Aidan and it annoys the crap out of me that everyone else has the same name because I didn't name him after a SATC character.

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  23. My personal phavorite is Jenaphr, the crosseyed yokel on the local Fox news aphilliate. Phreak.

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  24. Hey Magpie...send me the punchline, too! I want to know!

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  25. WRH - Oh my god. I know exactly who you are talking about. I think she went cross-eyed from looking at her ridiculously spelled name her whole life. Her parents should have been brought up on child-abuse charges.

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  26. I have a niece-in-law named Linzey. I tried to warn them, but they just got all PO'd at me, like who am I to tell them how to name their kid. What's wrong with Lindsay? I said good luck buying her a bike license plate/calculator/pencil/ruler/ornament/stocking with her name on it. She's going to spend her entire life spelling her name for people.

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  27. I grew up with Ginny, didn't like the way no one could pronounce it, wanted a nice, simple name for my daughter. Used the simplest name of all: Jane. People always ask "Jade?" "No, Jane." Or they insist on throwing a Y in there (Jayne). And little Jane nearly never finds here name on a toothbrush or a pencil or a mug or whatever.

    Can't win.

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  28. Lori - Linzey? LINZEY? Sigh. That just makes me brutally sad. You're a good aunt to try and stop that nonsense. Maybe when your great-niece grows up she can change the spelling of her name to something normal.

    Ginny - I think Ginny is such a pretty, recognizable name. But I also think that about Gwen and I still get Quinn and Quen and Glenn and Gwenn. I guess it's so trendy to misspell names that people are expecting a name to be spelled weird, which is a shame. Jane is great name! I've always loved it. My daughter's middle name is June, which is similar. I sort of wish I had named my daughter June instead of Olivia. Less common, but still a pretty, ACTUAL name.

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  29. Dear Gwen, OMG, you've got me rolling on the floor for REAL!!! i wish i could print that one, haha. I also saw/heard of a girl with name either James or Kevin BACKWARDS, hellish like you said, lol, why not jus name em satan or lucifer? oh ya, the woman at hospital who used Candida,ummm, ya pleased to meet you yeast infection....sad realities but true my friend. Anyways, just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed your post & most of all the way you let it ALLLL hang out, dig it :) Have a great weekend!

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