Friday, April 10, 2009

MADD (Mothers Against Damn Disney)

Some rants are a long time in the making. My anger about this particular issue has been brewing for, oh, about 20 years now. It's now reached boiling point and is bubbling over my cauldron like the foam that comes out of a boiling pot of spaghetti noodles when you leave it on the stove too long. What the fuck does Disney have against mothers? What is it Disney? What did we ever do to you? Because Fairy tale princess land is a dangerous fucking place for mothers.

Let's do a quick run down, shall we?

Snow White's Mom - Dead
Cinderella's Mom - Dead
Jasmine's Mom - Dead
Ariel's Mom - Dead
Belle's Mom - Dead
Pocahontas' Mom - Dead

I haven't seen Sleeping Beauty but I'm pretty sure her mom is dead, too. Would it kill them to show a human mother having some sort of positive impact on her daughter's life? Apparently it would. If there were actual, living mothers actively involved in these dumb ass princesses lives, they wouldn't have turned out to be such doe-eyed, naive, boy crazy, empty-headed imbeciles.

Now I love The Little Mermaid. When I watch it my daughter watches it, I sing the shit out of those songs. "What do they got? A lot of sand! We got a hot crustacean band!" I mean, is there any better lyric in the history of all lyrics than that? You know that scene where Triton uses his sceptre to destroy the statue of Prince Eric? Well, I guess we're supposed to feel all sorry for Ariel. Like her dad is so mean or something. And I used to feel that way, too. But now when I watch it, I think "Go Dad!" If I found Olivia had a life sized statue of some boy she liked in her bedroom, I'd smash that thing to little tiny pieces too. And then I'd take her to have some psychological counseling pronto. See, this is where Daddy Triton drops the damn ball.

Mommy Triton would have been ALL OVER a sixteen-year old girl who kept putting herself in constant danger to attract a man she's never even met before. Mommy Triton would have been all "Oh, HELL no, girl" and grounded her ass for going to the surface. Then guess what? No Ursula blackmailing a susceptible love-sick teenager. No threat to the whole way of life of all the undersea folk when her little plan goes awry. No marriage of a SIXTEEN YEAR OLD girl to man she barely knows at the end of the story. Instead, Ariel starts focusing on her academics and her natural musical talent. She graduates from high school with high honors, goes to college, becomes a successful musician. Now that's a happy ending.


  1. Orphans sell.

    Two bits of interesting trivia for you:

    1) Sleeping Beauty actually does have two living parents throughout the entire movie. BUT, she is actually raised by three fairy godmothers in a cottage in the woods.

    2)The only full-length animated Disney features that have both parents alive for the entire movie are: Sleeping Beauty, 101 Dalmatians, Lady and the Tramp, Hercules, Mulan, Peter Pan and The Incredibles.

  2. I don't have children so I am the only person alive who hasn't seen most of those movies. (Well, husband hasn't either). But if you're pissed, I'm pissed. I call a Disney moratorium.

  3. Yeah, what hereinfranklin said, yeah! Except she's a lot nicer about it. So...yeah!

  4. I run a grief group for adolescents, and this very topic has been hot for a few sessions now. Disney movies are, objectively, terrifying. FOR ME, let alone my kids. A parent dies, usually violently and at the hands of some amorphous evil force appears unstoppable, almost immediately. Then the kid is further abandoned.

    Even Sleeping Beauty, whose parents survive the first years of her life, is banished to go live with three closeted lesbians in the wilderness. and they make her adopt an assumed identity. Is her name Aurora or Briar Rose? Briar Rose or Aurora? Her only friends are birds, for christ's sake.

    Now...Phineas and Ferb...that's Disney I love.

  5. Do NOT get me started on Disney. How about the fact that Ariel has no basis for loving Prince Eric--they never even spoke--and she give up everything for him. In the real story by Hans Christian Andersen, she pays with her life.

    Someone commented on my blog that it was pointed out to her that none of the Princesses have any female friends--just dwarves and fairies and shit, but no peers as friends.

    And that whole getting rescued and living happily ever after shit--give me a break.

  6. I love this!
    Ariel always struck me as a very dull, pathetic, wimpy and annoying mermaid. I think you need to get in there and kick up the dust a bit! Woo!

  7. I remember as a teen finding it so bizarre how Disney movies always seemed to have absent mothers. Many years ago NPR had an excerpt about why this was. Of course, now I don't remember the exact reasons, but according to wikipedia, there are varied reasons.

    That aside, Ariel actually always kind of annoyed me. I mean she was in love and wanted to be "normal" and all, but it just seemed like great lengths to try to get to something that would just never be.

  8. Wow, good for you. You just figured out what the rest of us have know for years.

    Do you need your juice and cookie?