A long time ago, in a cafeteria far, far away.
"That's a lot of food for such a little girl."
Fuck you. No, really, fuck you. Because after you walk away and forget that you said that, I'm going to get up and dump this plate of food in the trash. And then, come Tuesday, I'm going to lie to my therapist about my goddamn food plan.
"I wish I had your willpower."
Fuck you, too. It doesn't take willpower to have a disease. In fact, I have the opposite of willpower because I don't have a modicum of control over my own impulses to destroy myself.
"Oh my god, you're eating chocolate?"
"...ummm...yeah." (looks down in shame and self-loathing)
"You don't look like you eat chocolate."
Go to hell. And while you're going there, I'll be going to the bathroom to puke up the chocolate I don't look like I eat.
"I'd love to be skinny like you. I wish I could have anorexia for a little while."
Yeah, I wish you could too. Then maybe you would know to never, ever, ever, ever, ever say that to a person who actually has anorexia. It's not a diet. It's not something you put on and take off with ease. It's a living fucking hell. It's the only way I know how to look in the mirror without spitting at my own face. It's the only way I know how to feel like I deserve to exist, to take up space, to breathe air. I had a chewable vitamin for lunch yesterday, you asshole, and I weighed myself 20 times. I threw up the chewable vitamin and I was afraid it didn't all come up. So I went to the gym and walked for 3 hours on the treadmill. Does that sound good to you? Is being this skinny really worth the price of admission?
Present day living room over a mocha and a really, really yummy pastry
Wow. That felt amazingly good. Better than any purge. People don't know what the fuck they're saying sometimes. I know it's not their fault. I've been reading old journals and just feeling sorry for the old me, for the things that were said to me when I was sick and then in recovery. It's so satisfying to see how far I've come, how different I am. Because this is what I would want to say to those clueless folks now:
"That's a lot of food for such a little girl."
Hell, yeah it is. I'm fucking hungry.
"I wish I had your willpower."
I don't have willpower. I try to listen to the voices of my body. I try to allow myself the pleasure of eating without punishing myself for it. I don't always succeed. I don't always succeed in eating every day. I don't always succeed in keeping the food in my belly. I don't always succeed in resisting the urge to lament, "I'm so fucking fat." But I usually do; and it's a thousand times better than that hell I called living before.
"Oh my God, you're eating chocolate!"
Yep. It's really good. Do you want some?
"I would love to be skinny like you. I wish I could have anorexia for a little while."
Well nobody would say that to me anymore because I'm a normal weight. But if they did I would have to just give them a blank stare and a number to a therapist.
2 days ago
Posts
People can be fuckers, no?
ReplyDeleteHang in there . . .
You've come a long way baby! I know I dont know you well, but I know some of what you've been through. And it takes a tremendous person to kick an eating disorders ass.
ReplyDeleteSwear to God, I fully intended to say that people are fuckers, but then I saw that tysdaddy already said it. Which actually emphasizes the point that people are fuckers.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand what it is about food and weight that make people think it is their business. We have so many weight issues in this country - we're constantly being told what we need to be, what we should eat, how we should look. I want to lose weight because I want to, but every comment or look I get sets of my crazy and I end up eating more.
So, people are fuckers.
Go you!
ReplyDeleteGo being satisfied with your body, and being healthy.
"Gwen you want everything!"
ReplyDeleteIsn't it wierd how event he innocuous comments or comments not directed at you can really affect you? I remember attending Thanksgiving at my boyfriend's house and I was just about to get up and get seconds when his sister did first and her mother looked at her and said, "do you really think you need seconds?" Uh, yeah, there was no way I was getting up after that, I didn't even have dessert. Most of the people I know have some issue with food, we are evolved for feast and famine but we've had decades of available food and food advertising and food as entertainment. Oy,no wonder we tie up food with so much other stuff.
ReplyDeletesometimes theres nothing better to say then a simple fuck you with a dash of go to hell.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever thought about public speaking for adolescents? Seriously.
ReplyDeleteYou'd probably have to limit the "fuck you's" until afterwards when I took you out for coffee, but you have a lot to say that people would benefit from seeing.
Ty's Daddy - yes, yes they can be! But I find most people say the shit they do more out of ignorance than malice. I mean these people probably thought they were giving me a compliment. But in my twisted brain, it just really wasn't. And in our culture, for some terrible reason I do not quite know, thinness is something to be aspired to and envied no matter how extreme. Thanks for your comment, as always : )
ReplyDeleteSarah - I'm sorry to hear that you know "some of what I'm going through", though it's nice to know I'm not alone in my struggles, and that I am understood. Sadly, I think most women have had some form of eating disorder. I definitely believe it's a brain-based illness but with the environmental triggers so pervasive in our society, it's inevitable that the prevalence of eating disorders would increase. You're right, it's a very difficult thing to overcome. I still have vestiges of the illness in my thought patterns, but I fight them every day, and don't allow those patterns to influence my behavior (too much). Writing about the experience really helps to keep me focused on staying healthy, and hopefully help others from going down the same path. Thanks so much for reading, and for your comment.
Gina - If you read about the Minnesota Starvation Experiment it will BLOW your mind. Diets usually lead to over-eating because it effects our brain chemistry. Diets are bad for us, plain and simple. It is bizarre how people think they can just come out and comment on our food or eating. I think it's more from ignorance than malice, but still. I wish you the best...please be kind to yourself. Oh and here's the link for that experiment in case you are interested: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minnesota_Starvation_Experiment
ReplyDeleteG. - Thanks girl!
Formerly Fun - I never really thought about how we're wired for feast or famine, and yet food is just constantly available. That's really interesting and adds further credibility to the theory that eating disorders are brain-based illnesses. And what a rude thing for your mother-in-law to say. A comment like that back in my really ill days would have had me starving for days. I think the best rule is to say nothing to people about their eating or not eating. The only exception to that rule would be if we're genuinely concerned for the welfare of the person. But those concerns are best voiced in private. Thanks for your comment. I always enjoy hearing what you have to say.
Alisha - How could I forget the WORST comment of all? That was the mother of all inappropriate comments and I believe, the one that triggered the eating disorder to begin with.
ReplyDeleteHolly - Yep. But I don't have the balls to say it to people's faces. I just do it on my blog, like the total wuss I am!
Well Read Hostess - I never thought about it, but that would really be cool. I just never thought I had anything of value to say. Which is quite funny, considering I have a blog where I apparently have a LOT to say. I actually worked as a residential counselor at a group home for "bad" girls years ago. I loved the work and often thought I'd go into social work. I just never finished school, so that dream died along with so many others. I could totally limit my "fuck yous". I promise! Seriously, I would so do a public speaking gig. I'd love to actually be a use to society instead of a just my usual "pain in the ass". :)
Ouch - this is painful to read - my mother used to tell me I was fat as a child - she put me on a diet in seventh grade - and really? that was unkind and unnecessary. people are fuckers.
ReplyDeleteMagpie - Putting a growing child on a diet makes no sense to me. And telling a child she is fat feels cruel. I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sure your mom didn't know better and that she thought she was doing what was best for you, but still that must have been a really painful emotional (and physical) experience. I'm so paranoid about my daughter inheriting my eating disorder gene (if there is one) that I'm super careful about what I say to her. I have to remind myself, often, to watch what I do in front of her too. The self-esteem of girls is so fragile. I'm terrified to hear three little words come out of my daughter's mouth - I am fat. I would be so sad. Thanks for reading (sorry it was painful :( ) and for commenting.
ReplyDeleteSome people can really be pricks, eh?
ReplyDeleteAck.
I once had a once had a stomach virus and, of course, lost weight. My mother actually told me she wished she'd get a stomach virus to lose weight. WTF?
ReplyDeletePeople are stupid. Fact of life. I'm sorry for the pain their stupidity caused you. But you should be so proud of where you've come to.
ReplyDeleteThis is why I always say it's better to be fat and happy. I try to believe it, too.
ReplyDeleteI really like how you've reframed and created your own new answers. I need to learn how to do that to my mom's horrifying questions.
ReplyDelete