Tuesday, April 21, 2009


My home is the scene of a crime. A massacre, if you will. If you have a weak stomach, you might want to cover your eyes for this shit. It's fucking brutal:

Warning: Crime Scene Photographs to Follow

Evidence includes: 2 tiny golf clubs, 1 little hairbrush, several miniature shoes, a tiny snowboard, and a pair of mini-snow goggles.
Check out the Bratz doll with the missing feet. That's one thing that creeps me out about Bratz dolls (one of about a thousand things). You don't just take their shoes off. Their whole foot comes off along with their high-heeled hooker shoe. But I have to admit that this an improvement on the Barbie shoes of yore. They never fucking stayed on Barbie's foot. Plus, the design of the Bratz doll shoes are a great improvement on the bland old Barbie shoe. I love me some hooker boots. I have to also confess, I love their clothes. Yes, I said that shit. Tell me you wouldn't rock these jeans:

or these boots:

(Ignore the crumbs scattered beneath hooker boots and pack of cigarettes in upper right corner)

Now the blowfish lips, the make-up caked doe eyes, and the round head that is large enough to have its own moon - these are all things I could do without. But most of the clothes are just too fabulous to dismiss off hand.
I've noticed there's much hatred in the parenting community towards these dolls. They're "slutty", "trashy", and "over-sexualized". Apparently by allowing my daughter to play with them I am an irresponsible parent. If she keeps brushing their long, flowing hair, if she keeps dressing (and undressing) them in their risque outfits she will definitely become a prostitute or a stripper. Because all girls who wear mini-skirts and too much make-up are either a whore or a pole dancer. Except not really. Besides it's a fucking doll not a guidance counselor. I just really doubt that playing with a doll can make or break a child's future.
When people say that they hate the dolls and won't let their kids play with them because they're creepy, weird, strange, scare the living shit out of them, I can respect that. I get that. I just really hate when parents get this self-righteous gleam in their eyes and emphatically state: I wouldn't let my daughter play with those dolls. As if they're some kind of mother of the year or some shit and I'm absolutely not.
But let's be honest here. I think we all know by now that we, the parents of the Jackson family, are certainly not going to be winning any Parents of the Year awards in the near future. That's okay with me. I cuss like a trucker, Todd smokes like a chimney, and we both drink like fish. And speaking of fish, he won me a goldfish at the carnival on Saturday night. He tossed a little plastic ball into a cup and Voila! we had ourselves a cute, little fishy. I bought a small plastic tank and a plastic cup of fish food. I carried that precious fucker around the carnival for 2 hours, walking very gingerly all the way lest I jostle it too much. On the way home, we argued over a name for the newest member of the Jackson clan. Liv wanted "Olinta" and I wanted "Jaws". When we got home I dropped in the tank some flakes of food and we watched eagerly while he ignored them. "Not hungry little guy? Maybe tomorrow." I yelled at the kitty, "Leave that fishy alone. He is not your dinner!" The first thing Sunday morning, I run out into the kitchen with eager anticipation, with way more happiness and childish glee than I should have. And here's what I found:

RIP Jaws/Olinta - There was just never enough time to figure out what your fucking name was.


  1. I don't give a shit about those dolls. You represent. Yes. Taking a stand against people who take shit too seriously. Love it.

    I like this side of you.

  2. Yeah, I don't like them, they're whore dolls but yes, the boots are cute. I don't let my five year old play with them b/c I think you have to minimize the sexualization and she's already got a hoochie eight year old cousin who is doing way too much talking. I got my boobs when I was ten(bcup, c cup by 7th grade) so I am hyper sensitive to being noticed by men at an early age. Probably a big part of why I'm so adament about trying to keep my girls girls longer. Still, I don't judge others and I do plenty of "focus on how you look" stuff like paint my daughter's nails and put lipgloss on my 18 month(she watches me and asks for it so it's more to placate her but still). My kids all eat great and the husband and I have a strict no diet talk intfront of the kids. I got more issues than a magazine so I'm trying hard not to pass mine to the kids--they'll find ones of their own they don't need mine too.

  3. You've met my daughter, I see . . .

  4. I don't like Bratz dolls because they are called Bratz which I don't want to endorse. The clothes are ok, faces horrible. I still like Barbies although the shoes do suck. They are always barefoot and naked anyway so I guess it doesn't really matter.

  5. Sarah - You are not alone in your hatred :)

    Rassles - "Taking a stand against people who take shit too seriously." Exactly! It's just a toy. Some people get so up in arms about it.

    Formerly Fun - I have issues too, believe me. One of my worst fears is for Liv to grow up and hate her body. I guess I just don't see how the Bratz doll will effect her self-esteem any more than playing with a Barbie or looking up to Disney princesses would. But it's just my opinion and at the end of the day we all have to do what we think is best for our kids. I think your "no diet talk" in front of the kids is a great idea and I'm really going to try to watch what I say in front of Liv. Thanks for the comment. You always have something interesting to say.

    Ty's Daddy - so I'm not the only parent who lets her kid play with these dolls? Yay!

    Alisha - Yeah, the name is the worst part for me. The clothes are totally cute, but I agree that the faces are horrible. I dislike Barbies, to be honest. And word on the dolls always being barefoot and naked anyway.

  6. My son plays with action heroes who yield all types of weapons and I really don't believe he is going to be the next Columbine killer, so, while I find Bratz dolls creepy, I don't find them nearly as offensive as Disney princesses.

  7. I don't know anything about dolls, but I must say that the fish tank looks an awful lot like the ant farm photo from a few days ago. Tell the truth--you ditched the ants, filled their "farm" up with tap water and dumped little Jaws/Olinta in without a care.

  8. Now I want a cigarette. Bad.

    That's just great, I come over here to get some solace, to be able to relate to another struggling parent of tiny toddling tyrants and now all I can think of his ripping the cellophane off a nice fresh pack of Marlboro Lights.

  9. I only wish my daughter's fish would have died that soon. She had a black fish that I named Tupac because that fucker would not die no matter what I did or didn't do. Cleaning fish tanks SUCK by the way.

    Well, all good things must come to and end. Even black gangsta rappers and fish.

    I hope he's swimming around with Jaws in that great big pond in the sky...

  10. Whenever I have a free minute I always come to your blog for a hearty laugh and you never disappoint. Hahaha! AND, I don't know who Candice is but I laughed almost as hard at her comment as I did at your blog, Gwen.

    Thanks gals :P

  11. This blog was hilarious... excellent stuff.

    I have a 4 year old daughter myself, and I can sympathize.

    I like your stuff... i'm happy I found you today.

  12. I've just installed iStripper, and now I can watch the hottest virtual strippers on my taskbar.