Mad Hatter

I hate hats. Truly, completely, passionately. Now I'm going to qualify that statement by postulating that not all hats are created equal. There are a few instances when I think it's appropriate to wear a hat. Men wearing baseball hats, for instance, or a bride wearing a veil. I also have no objection to utilitarian uses of hats like a cute beanie on a cold day, or a helmet when you're riding a motorcycle, or a hard hat while you're working on a construction site, or a black pillbox hat with a tiny veil when you're hired to be an extra at a funeral in an episode of Dynasty.

What I'm talking about, what I hate, are decorative hats worn by regular people on regular days. The types of hats that have no other purpose but to teeter on the heads of people and make me uncomfortable. Truly, when I'm talking to a person wearing this type of hat it's all I can think about. It's like we're talking and I know they're wearing a hat and they know that I know they're wearing a hat and even though we both know the hat is there we keep talking like it isn't. But a decorative hat is not something you can pretend away. It's very...There. At the very least it's distracting, but at the very worst it's seriously disturbing. Talking to someone wearing a decorative hat is a very trying experience. I try to avoid doing it if I possibly can. The best thing to do when being friends with me is not to wear a decorative hat, especially if you're going to be around me and you want to talk to me. And if you're not sure where to draw the line between a utilitarian hat and decorative one, then just don't wear any hats at all. I'm sure you'll survive.

One time I wore a hat to go to the airport. I tried to justify wearing it by saying, "It's a cold morning". But it wasn't a utilitarian hat, it was a bucket hat. What was happening is that I was trying to be something I wasn't. I was trying to get away with wearing a decorative hat, like I could wear it and nobody would notice. But the truth is, a decorative hat is never seamless. People will always notice it even if they're too polite or disappointed to comment. If they're a true friend they'll let you know how much they think it sucks. That morning, I really should have known better. And Ashley proved herself a true friend by immediately calling me "Blossom" the second she saw me. That moment I felt so exposed, so raw. I got called out for wearing a decorative hat. You just never get over something like that;You really don't.

Blossom is a perfect example of how wearing a hat can ruin your life. I saw the girl that played the titular role on that show, Mayim Bialik, on one of those "Where Are They Now?" shows on E! She got to talking about the horrible hat trend that's been blamed on her all these years. I believe you know the trend of which I speak, although you may have to undergo repressed memory therapy to recall it. It's the trend that made teenage girls feel like it was perfectly acceptable to wear a stupid hat that had the front flipped up with a big ass flower pinned to it. Watching the interview, I could just see the pain behind Mayim's eyes as she talked about those hats. She denied culpability; She tried to blame it all on Six. She was like, I wore a hat maybe one time when we made the opening credits and for the rest of my life that's how people remember me! See? All it takes is one time.

<----Bad Idea

Need another example of how wearing a hat can make you wish you were dead? Why don't you ask Monica Lewinksy about hats and see what she says? I bet if she could go back in time and change one thing in her life it wouldn't even be "Not fuck Bill Clinton". I think it would be, "Not wear a beret with a little ribbon on it that day I got my picture taken with Bill Clinton". Think about it. Would any of those SNL skits have been even half as funny were it not for that stupid beret? I'm sure a lot of Presidents get tail on the side. That tail just isn't usually wearing a decorative hat. Marilyn Monroe fucked JFK and everybody knew it. But she wasn't the subject of derision and mockery for her entire life because she had the sense enough not to adorn her head with a bad idea.

Monica may have only worn that damn hat one day, but it's how she'll be remembered for the rest of her whole life. She probably wakes up in a cold sweat on a regular basis from nightmares about that picture where she's hugging Bill Clinton thinking she's hot shit in her special little decorative hat. Maybe she replays getting dressed that morning in her head, over and over, picking up the hat, putting the hat on her head, looking in the mirror saying "Could I? Should I?" I know I would obsess over it. That moment of placing the hat on my head would haunt my waking moments. It only takes one time, people. One fatal error in judgement on a busy morning getting ready for work. One time.

<-------Fatal Error in Judgement

Don't even let your baby wear a hat. I know it's tempting and a decorative hat can be cute and all on the very, very young. But I'll tell you what, it sets a bad precedent. By letting your kids wear them, you run the risk that this precious child might grow up with the (very) false belief that they're a "hat person". This is a mythical group of people that supposedly look good in decorative hats. I said "mythical group", because no such group actually exists. There are people who believe they are "hat people", when really they are just people who wear decorative hats. These are probably the same people who had mothers who put hats on them as babies. And once that Pandora's hatbox is opened, it's really difficult to close it again. So the next time you see a tiny fedora or a little floral bucket hat, just walk away. Trust me, no amount of cuteness is worth the type of hat horrors you'd be unleashing in adolescence and beyond. You might even end up with a kid who wears one of these:

<----Criminal Act

This is the worst hat crime a person can commit. These hats are abhorrent. They make me wish I were never born. They bring up in me a fury I can't even accurately describe with words, so I'll attempt to express it in a picture:

Please don't let your children grow up to do wear Dr. Seuss hats. Don't you ever do that either. And if you already did it, don't ever do it again. It's never OK. Not on New Year's Eve. Not on your birthday. Never. It's a crime against fashion. It's a crime against humanity. It disrupts the natural aesthetic of the universe. I'd rather go blind than see a person wearing this type of hat again ever in my life.

So in summation: Utilitarian hats, OK. Decorative hats, Not OK. Together we can stop the madness, and bring about a beautiful, decorative hat-free world.