Blasphemy

Well the Lord didn't answer my request to get rid of the gloomy weather, so I'm sort of mad at him right now. For that and for letting my sister die. I won't hold my breath for an apology...God doesn't work that way. It's his way or the highway to hell, I suppose.

I get so annoyed when people talk about miracles. I don't mean little ones, like seeing a beautiful butterfly (hello, Amy), or the first daffodil of springtime, or the smell of your baby's skin, or the feel of your dying sister's hand tickling your hair. I mean big ones, like the Lord Jesus saved my child from drowning, or I was down on my luck and I found an envelope containing $3000 when I was on my way to buy a gun to shoot myself (thanks be to Jesus). To me it is the height of arrogance to assume that luck and someone else's carelessness is a sign from above. Why would god pick you? What is so special in you that god went out of his way to save you when He lets millions of people die in Africa every year who never get to experience the taste of chocolate or clean water? Babies die horrible deaths every day, and God does nothing to stop it. But YOU, you're special.

I don't know, maybe I'm mean but I just can't wrap my brain around these thought processes. Such loonies who contribute all their successes to a higher power, and believe that any time they are defeated they just didn't believe enough, or weren't good enough. I swear to you Amy didn't get cancer because of something she did, and she wasn't allowed to die because she was horrible. We all know she was the most giving, selfless type person. These things just happen in life and God doesn't have anything to do with it. I wonder if he isn't just indifferent regarding this place. Or likes to just watch what happens. My daughter loves to build tall block towers, but is overjoyed by knocking them over. Why? Maybe God is this way too. To make such beautiful things and people and then watch it all slowly deteriorate when you have the power to stop that from happening - it baffles me. Are we made in his image, really? Why can't I understand this behavior then? I guess right now I'm thinking about mortality too and questioning where I'm going when I'm gone. I'd say right now my shot at heaven isn't looking too good.