Thursday, July 30, 2009

I Hate Fetuses and Children

I haven't been spending much time reading or writing blogs the past few weeks. It's not because I don't love you guys - you know I do. I would tongue kiss all of you, such is the depth of my enduring love. I've been absent and a few of my blog friends even noticed I was missing. I can't even express how special that made me feel. I've been immersed in this personal crisis of pregnancy because while not wholly unexpected it still managed to shock me. I pledge in all seriousness that I will not turn this joint into a pregnancy blog (excepting this post). Mmmm...a joint would be so good right now. For the nausea. Don't worry, I'm not going to smoke one. I can want one, can't I?

I've noticed in recent years that people get so up in arms about pregnant ladies doing pretty much anything. And people assume they can get all up in your business about shit when you're pregnant. I remember when I was pregnant with Liv, I would have a cup of coffee in the morning. People would always say, "Is that decaf?" And I'd say, "No. I actually got shots of espresso in this bitch. Pregnancy makes me really tired." People were completely horrified when I said that. It felt good. Now, I didn't actually put extra shots of espresso in there, but that's really not the point. A little caffeine during pregnancy is not going to hurt your baby.

I watch that show Hell's Kitchen. One of the girls on there was serving tableside shrimp scampi to the guests. One of the shrimp she served was a little under-cooked and the woman at the table said, "I have to be careful because I'm pregnant." Ok. That's fine. There is a tiny bit of danger in eating raw seafood while pregnant. Does it mean automatic death of a fetus if you consume something raw while you are pregnant? Ummm no. But this girl's competitors seemed to think so. Some of them were actually saying, "She tried to kill a pregnant woman and her baby." I was screaming at my TV, "Shut the fuck up. Pregnant women and their fetuses are not that fragile!"

Remember that episode of Weeds where Nancy wasn't sure if her drug kingpin boyfriend was going to kill her for ratting his people out? And she was pregnant with his baby so she went to a sushi place and ate raw fish and had a shot of sake and smoked a cigarette? And then afterward she went to the guy's house and tried to make him shoot her with a gun but instead he kind of raped her but not really because she was all smiling afterwards? That was hot. Anyway, I was reading the forums after the episode aired (because I'm a total TV nerd like that) and people were actually saying shit like, "Maybe she was trying to kill the baby!" And the same thing happened after that episode of Breaking Bad, when Walt's wife smoked a cigarette in the car after a stressful day dealing with a cancer-afflicted husband and a teenager who has cerebral palsy and all the crap that comes from just being pregnant. She just wanted a cigarette to relax and everyone on the forum was like, "Skyler is trying to kill the baby! She's a terrible person and mother!" Like people actually believe that there is a high chance that a baby will die in utero if the mother smokes a single cigarette, drinks one shot of liquor, and has a sushi lunch. Retards.

Anyway, I'm not advocating that people smoke, or drink, or overdose on raw shellfish whilst pregnant. I'm just asking, "Can we put things in perspective a little bit here?" I'm sure eating McDonald's food every day of your pregnancy isn't good for your baby either but people wouldn't crucify me in their minds if they saw me eating an Egg McMuffin. My mom smoked and drank while pregnant with me and look how awesome I turned out*. My OB, who is cool as shit, told me that it was really okay to drink 1 glass of wine with dinner or whatever. She said, "We used to give women in pre-term labor IVs of alcohol to stop their contractions." And then she laughed heartily at the memory of OB ER rooms full of drunk, pregnant women.

I received so many disapproving glances from people when I sipped my wine at dinner in a restaurant, or at a party, or at my wedding. And I just stared right back at them and said, "Bottom's up!" and dumped it all down my throat. Normally, I liked to savor it but it was so worth it to waste my one glass of wine like that just to piss people off.

People are really on my last fucking nerves these days with their righteous indignation. I feel like people have this need to continously prove what amazing human beings they are because they love children. Every day on Facebook I see something about how somebody's mad because a child got hurt or molested. Don't get me wrong, I get upset when things like that happen, too. I just don't feel the need to announce to the world just how concerned I am about the plights of children all over the globe. I want to ask, "Does that make you special somehow? Who doesn't feel indignant about helpless people being abused?" I just hate when people state the obvious and then feel all unique and good about themselves. (In fact when people feel good about themselves, it irritates me. That's why I surround myself with people who have low self-esteem). When someone says, "I hate child molesters", it makes me want to respond, "Really? Because I totally love them. I wish one would move in right next door to me and come within 25 feet of my daughter's pre-school."

So now I'm sure I've pissed off everyone. Give me a break - I'm in a delicate condition. And I will be reminding you of that often. I will blame everything on this pregnancy - bad writing, terrible attitude, car theft, cursing at old people, laying on my couch all day, murder. Well, maybe not murder. Unless it's a child.

I hope I don't need to tell you that I really don't hate fetuses and children. You know me well enough by now that I don't need to explain my dark, twisted, unfunny sense of humor, right?

*well, I'm not really awesome. But I'm also not stupid so that's got to count for something, right?

22 comments:

  1. Not only will they judge everything you do now, but also whatever you did for the years BEFORE you got pregnant. You're pretty much screwed so you might as well do what you feel is best.

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  2. Want to know how I deal with that (specifically the coffee thing)? Read this: http://circleoflifeblog.blogspot.com/2008/09/wicked-mean-coffee-lady.html

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  3. You ARE awesome. And fuck anyone you pissed off. people are crazy. Yeah, you should take care of yourself when you are pregnant, but we go way overboard. I'm less worried about the woman who ate blue cheese and more worried about the guy I saw trimming his hedges with an electric trimmer, on a ladder, on a hill, with a baby in the front carrier.

    And it's OK to want a joint. I have wanted one 16 times a day since I had kids.

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  4. This post should be required reading for the overly-concerned and fucking annoying relatives and friends of pregnant women everywhere. Let's all relax and let the ladies get on with their business, all right? But then again, people are always going to tell you that you're doing everything wrong anyway, so you might as well do whatever makes you feel good to give them something fun to complain about.

    You are awesome.

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  5. congrats! I didn't even know that you were sperminated. As someone who tried to get preggers for years,and failed, I totally understand. I wasn't willing to check into a convent to become a worthy vessel. In the 50's people drank highballs and no one said anything, sometimes this new tight ass conservatism really gets on my nerves.

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  6. People go overboard because they have NO common sense in their brain. It is easier for them to just not do anything whatsoever then to use their brain to think logically. 1 glass of wine ok. Bottle of vodka not ok. Cup of coffee ok. Speed bad. I had a friend once who spent a lot of money to adopt a child. The mother showed up in labor high on cocaine. She said she didnt do drugs throughout her pregnancy but I guess was self medicating her labor pains. My friend was obviously concerned and the doctor said not to worry about it. That the only thing you really had to worry about was heroin. Really?! Then why cant I have a cup of coffee???
    * I am not condoning drug use during pregnancy. But for the record she has had no problems with the baby.

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  7. my mom smoked and drank and probably got high as a kite while she was pregs with me.
    and I got a 2200 on my SATs. bitch please!

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  8. A woman on the underground told me my fetus could strangle itself on the umbilical cord if I kept holding onto the strap above my head. People are fucking clueless about pregnancy, and birth too for that matter. Douchebags.

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  9. The shrimp thing. The midwives told Sinead not to eat any soft cheese when she was pregnant. And then we went on holiday to France and Greece. How do you go to France without eating brie or camembert? How do you go to Greece without eating feta? Ultimately we decided that French and Greek women eat soft cheese while they're pregnant and we saw plenty of healthy looking French and Greek children. So, warnings of the British midwives be damned. Boy seems pretty OK to me.

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  10. People always seem to know what's best for others, don't they? I laughed out loud picturing you downing your wine. I would have liked to see the looky-loos' expressions.

    Liv is healthy, beautiful and from all that I've read spunky and creative. So you keep on doing what works for you. Best wishes!

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  11. this is my favorite post ever.

    do what the hell you want. it's your baby. and I doubt you are doing anything to excess enough of harming it.

    people can go to hell

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  12. A bunch of drunk pregnant women all in the same OB wing of a hospital might be one of the most frightening images ever. Not because they're drunk and preggers. Just...well...because that's fuckin' scary.
    And, just to be honest, the only reason I experience very little righteous indignation is because I'm too fuckin' lazy to get all worked up about much of anything.

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  13. I'm a coffee fiend and - with full permission of my doctor - drank coffee throughout both my pregnancies. Fuck the people in the Starbucks line who would judge me.

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  14. I'm not pregnant, or a woman for that matter, and I always get those same looks from people whenever I snort a line of coke or shoot cough syrup into my veins or something.

    Busy bodies. You'd think that they'd be paying attention to the priest instead of what I was doing in the back pew.

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  15. I blame EVERYTHING on pregnancy. I figure that soon enough, my kids are going to blame everything on me, so I might as well take it while I can get it.

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  16. Sperminated. I like that word. I've been away too long . . .

    Congratulations! Now get some sleep . . .

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  17. It's fucking wierd to me that all of these people on the internet are moms. What's even wierder, is that they want to be moms, and that they care that other people are moms, and stick their greasy little parenting noses into everyone else's business, and they can only talk about being moms.

    People like that smell like gravel.

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  18. I ate processed turkey my whole first pregnancy. Right in the middle of the listeria scare. GO ME!!!!

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  19. I blogged about this too, but nobody had the balls to comment on it.

    http://christenexpecting.blogspot.com/2009/07/great-lunchmeat-debate.html

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  20. Thank you for this. I wish I was pregnant right now because I'd snort some coke. I remember ordering one little old beer while pregnant at a bar and the bartender said "Okay, but it's really hard to find hats for those fetal alcohol babies." And she was my friend. Whenever I thought twice about eating a hotdog full of nitrates or drinking a diet soda while pregnant my own mother's words would ring in my ears. "Jesus Christ! I drank and smoke through three pregnancies and you all have your masters!" Good point. Bottoms up!

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  21. Ok, so i'm a little late on this one, but I just started reading your blog. I totally agree with you! I believe the treating pregnant women like morons it tantamount to the whole political correctness overdose. Hmmm...how many of us were birthed by mothers who did not know that drinking, smoking and whatever else they will come up with to make our lives more unbearable! Why don't they just say that getting out of bed in the morning is hazard! I for one like that one, but everyone has gone way too far with the what is unacceptable during pregnancy. Live your life the way you want, no matter how many dirty looks you get. It's the lookers that are probably doing way more harm to themselves!!

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