Thursday, April 22, 2010

Devil in a Blue Onesie

This life is a whirl of soiled diapers, milk stained bottles in the sink, Desitin smeared on tiny asses that are too cute for words. But mostly this life is swollen with desperation born of post partum misery and exhaustion.

Behold the face of a torturer -

This photo was taken at 3 am. Gaze into his magnetic eyes - but not for too long. He is a wolf in cute baby's clothing, a charlatan selling torment and crippling lethargy in the guise of coos and helplessness. Here is his accomplice:

Cute bow? Check. Precious baby pout? Yep. Beady, piercing eyes? You betcha. Bronwyn is the biggest bitch to ever don footed pajamas. She plots and schemes from her lair, otherwise known as the comfy swing. My babies chain-suck binkies instead of Parliaments and wail like banshees when they don't get their way. I am a prisoner of war. Their plaintive wails at 1:02 am, 2 am, 2:15 am, 2:45 am, 3:07 am, 3:55 am, 4:00 am, 4:10 am, 4:32 am, 4:40 am, and 5:15 am surely violate the Geneva Convention.

I think Brody actually wrote "I will break you" on the nursery wall with his urine the other night. He will.

Yesterday, I held Bronwyn up, pulled the waist of her red stretchy pants up to the chest of her blue onesie and made her dance like a marionette to the tune of "I can go, go, go in my Hover-round, this way, that way, all over town". This made me laugh maniacally, hysterically like a person driven mad by a peculiar brand of torment. The only way I can exact revenge is to make them look ridiculous.


  1. Oh but they're just so cute and squishy! ;)

    In all seriousness, I remember the mid-night waking with both kids... I cannot imagine how you do it with two.

  2. Ok, you actually made me miss those days a little, but definitely not the lack of real, uninterrupted sleep. The comparison to smoking was funny and I like you, would make the bebes do dumb things for my amusement, it does somehow make it easier when you are wiping their ass to know they are still your minions. They are beautiful Gwen and though I bet your tired right now, I'm so glad you added to your family. How's Liv enjoying being a big sister?

  3. You've captured the experience exactly as I remember it. Keep your head down, kid, and laugh at their expense. You'll make it.

  4. God. I can't imagine. One baby at a time was hellish. Two at a time? You're far tougher than I could ever dream of being. Newborns are evil incarnate.

  5. Sci fi- They are cute and squishy. It's the only reason they're still alive.

    kidding. mostly.

    Formerly Fun - She's loving being a big sister. She's constantly smothering them with kisses and hugs.

    Ginny - thanks for the vote of confidence.

    Free Man - "Newborns are evil incarnate". I couldn't have said it better.

  6. Ah, yes, ridiculous babies. Stupid babies.

  7. As my sister and I like to say, "Oh, I HATE babies for that."

    That schedule made my eye twitch. That shit is fucked up something serious.

    When this passes, you will deserve the very, very, VERY best nursing home. Those little devils better pick a good one.

  8. You know. When you're OLD ENOUGH, I'm saying.

    I don't think they're going to break you FOREVER.