Friday, December 11, 2009

Nuvaring Bitches

Am I only one who hates these Nuvaring birth control bitches? I seriously loathe these women. It's apparently girls night with three "besties" sitting around a coffee table nary a wine bottle in sight. The TV is on in the background and the old Nuvaring commercial starts playing. The stupid wavy haired one says, "Ooooh, I love this commercial!" and then proceeds to sing along to the most unimaginative jingle ever penned by a human. I mean how untalented do you have to be to come up with these lyrics? Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everyday, aaaa aaaah. Everytime I see her bob her head back and forth singing along to it I have a strong urge to bash her head into a million tiny pieces of bone and brain matter.

Then her "friend" tries to be all nonchalant, leaning forward pretending to get a snack while asking with a devilish gleam in her dead eyes, "Would you guys try Nuvaring?" But you can just tell that she's been waiting all night for this. This whorebag has some kind of an agenda and it creeps me the fuck out. Like, why is she so invested in her friends sticking a plastic birth control device in their vaginas? The black woman sitting next to her is the least annoying of the bunch but I'd still murder her with my bare hands. That is, if her grotesquely shiny shirt doesn't give me a seizure first. She says, "I don't even know what it is." Don't worry! Because Nuvaring pusher is going to tell you all about it. Her voice gets all weird and affected "It's. A. Monthly. Vaginal. Birth. Control. Ring. That. delivers a low dose of hormones."

Wavy haired, dumb commercial loving woman finally gets it. You can see how it just clicks and she realizes that this is the birth control you have to...Gasp!...put in your vagina! "Don't you have to...put it in" she says while making odd hand gestures. But Nuvaring pusher won't let her go there. Because for her it's easy. "It's small and comfortable, plus" (she leans in conspiratorially) "you don't have to take it every day." And there it is, folks. There you have it. I don't know how feminism has survived all these years, how we women have managed to lead meaningful, productive lives while attached to the oppressive tether that is swallowing a pill every day. But Nuvaring will set us free from this tyranny. Indeed, Nuvaring pusher has declared, "Let my people go." She is Moses parting the Red Sea, except the Red Sea is more like the labial lips of women everywhere.

If Margaret Sanger were alive today she'd be slapping some bitches. Not even a century ago, women weren't allowed to vote for our leaders, obtain a legal and safe abortion, or maintain any control of our own reproductive powers. The Comstock Laws made illegal the dissemination of information on contraception and the distribution of contraceptive devices. That is oppression, Nuvaring pusher. I don't know who you sold your soul to or why, but you are obviously in league with some Satanic element. And if I never see your smug, creepy smile on my TV again, it will be too soon.

14 comments:

  1. I must have become so worn down by these things that I'm oblivious to them. I'll have to be on the lookout for this one. I could write a novella on commercials I love to hate.

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  2. Ahaha oh god. This is very testy Gwen. I kind of appreciate the concept of nuvaring, but it's actually the other commercial I hate - the one they are watching. It's some bizarro symbolic metaphor for birth control using synchronized swimming and a nuvaring shaped pool that goes on for an unnaturally lengthy period of time. Seriously watch it. You think it is over but then you get a shot of some hip diverse women smiling and appreciating the facility of swimming in color!

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  3. Tell us how you really feel, Gwen. Dont hold back. =)

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  4. omg, you mean I have to, like, touch my... down there?
    that's so slutty!

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  5. Does it also dub as a cock ring? Because that's where I would be afraid that I would find it.

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  6. I completely agree... and the nuvaring sounds kind of gross.. I'd rather take pills.. no wait.. i'd rather get pregnant..

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  7. I may be completely off the mark, but I think something is "delivering a dose of hormones" that is encouraging you to write this. ;)

    Also, why is the insertion thing such an issue with this product but not with tampons? I am I misinformed or something?

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  8. The last birth control device I used that had to be *gasp* inserted was a diaphram. Stupid thing was slick as a January ice storm after the spermacide was all over it. Just as I would think I had it *gasp* inserted, it would go flying across the room like a terrible frisbee. Wrong. Just wrong.

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  9. Sci Fi - I think you are exactly on the mark :) Although, I could be overtaken by somewhat irrational hatred even before I got pregnant.

    I don't have a problem with the insertion issue. I was being a bit sarcastic about that. Truthfully, it does creep me out a bit that I would be having sex with this device in (I don't have sex while wearing tampons). I've read that men can sometimes feel the nuvaring during sex. That's a bit strange, no? Still better than a condom (with a trusted, disease-free partner, obviously).

    Geo - I agree that the original commercial is disturbing. I hate that the one woman was all "I love this commercial!".

    In general I don't hate the Nuvaring itself or the idea of the Nuvaring. It's the way it's presented. Honestly, I don't see the big deal in taking a pill every day. They act like it's such a huge inconvenience.

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  10. You mean I have to touch my Vajayjay to insert this?

    Hey bitch, you mean to tell me you've never used a friggin' tampon?

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  11. I remember my pill-taking days. Boy, what a bitch that was...every day...taking a pill...a tiny little pill...

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  12. LOL - check out this video if you think that ad sucks!!! I love the 'Target Women' series :D

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFr9RK1L5pI

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  13. I'm so with you on this one! I don't have TV, so I'm mostly spared commercials, but I've recently discovered Hulu, and they play the Nuvaring ads before I can watch my shows, and I hate those women! The creepy Esther Williams/Busby Berkly thing going on in the original ad is wrong enough without those ladies added to annoy the crap out of me.

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  14. I just found your blog through -the new girl- and I already love your site. This is the first post I read so far and I know it's an older one but I just had to comment since I always tell my husband how much I hate this damn commercial every time I see it. I also have to tell him every time I see it that I can't imagine how bad this thing smells after you take it out. ick

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