Tuesday, December 23, 2008

ScholASStic Scrimmage

Todd and I watch this show every weekend called Scholastic Scrimmage. The premise is a bunch of high school nerds sit in two teams of 4 and answer questions on various topics like math, science, literature, etc. Todd and I like to play along and mercilessly mock the kids. Anyway, today we were watching it and the funniest thing I've ever seen happened. The one group of high school guys weren't quite as nerdy. Like they seemed to realize how corny the whole thing was. They ended up with a total point score of like 10 and the other team had 140, so either they weren't that smart or just weren't trying.

In the middle of the competition, the lady who reads the questions always stops and asks all the kids individually to say a couple of things about themselves. The first kid usually sets the tone for what the rest of the kids say (Bear with me here, it's worth it). For instance, the first kid will say "I'm 16 years old and I play in the marching band and I like to read" and then each kid that follows models his/her answer after what the first kid said. Like he'll say, "I'm 17 years old and I am in the math club and I also like to read". Anyway, today the most glorious thing happened. I was rolling on the floor (I really was) with peals of laughter. I am going to transcribe the entire thing for you along with descriptions of the people.

ScholASStic Scrimmage
A Play In One Act

Question Lady: Blonde, late middle-aged lady with a hairstyle reminiscent of Rose Niland from The Golden Girls, and a cat butt mouth
Ryan F.: Normal sized white kid with an afro
Tony B.: Tall guy with skin like an albino's
Ryan Y. :Teenage boy who looks like he's 40 and still playing in a garage band at his parent's house. Also, he looks like Bo Bice from American Idol
Chris: Jack Osbourne look-alive only with worse hair (yes it's possible)
Chris R.: Bespectacled kid with dumbo like ears with an effeminate quality
Frank "Jay" H. - Unfortunate looking kid with pock marks the size of craters all over his mug
Blake C. - Horribly mop-topped guy who has never been laid and probably never will be
Robert - A bespectacled mutant with hair like darth vader's helmet

Question Lady: In the first round we ask the students to tell us something about their families or about themselves. Let's begin with Northampton [high school]...Ryan?

Ryan F.: Uh...I'm Ryan and my favorite animal is a cat.

QL: [A little taken aback by the student thinking it's relevant to mention his pet] And you have a cat, or many cats?

RF: Uh I have 7, actually

QL: And are your parents happy about that?

RF: Uh yeah...my mom is anyway

QL: (Talking over his last word) Terrific. Thank you. Tony?

Tony B.: (Said as a run on) Hi I'm Tony I live with my parents and my two older brothers and...I have 3 cats

QL: 3 cats? Any dogs?

Tony B.: No...just the cats. (looks away with smirk on face)

QL: Thank you. Ryan...

Ryan Y.: I'm Ryan Y. and I live with my parents and I have a brother and a sister and 2 dogs.

QL: Ok. [increasingly perplexed] And Chris?

Chris: Hello I'm Chris. I live with my mom and dad I have a brother I have 5 dogs, uh...2 emus, and some other birds and stuff (nods head a few times)

QL: (Shocked expression) The emus are outside...?

C: Yes they are (unintelligible)

QL: (Talking over) ...all the time? Even in the snow? [Disbelieving tone]

C: Yes.

QL: Uh huh. Alright. That's a very unusual...(searching for words) menagerie...Yes. Over to Palmerton [High School] ...Chris.

Now I'm going to interject here to let you know that the kids who just spoke were all stifling laughter the whole time they were talking, which led me to believe that they were making all that shit up or at least saying it to be snarky. The next team doesn't appear to be in on the joke. But it's funny, because they keep the same model for their answers. It continues:

Chris R.: Um, I live with my parents. I have a brother, Kyle, and a sister, Carrie Anna, and I have a dog...named Brindle.

QL: (sort of nasally suggestive of irritation) Thaaank you. And Jay?

Frank "Jay" Hall: Ummm...I'm Jay. I live with my parents and my little brother, Sean. Um..and I have one dog named Stormy. (Satisfied smile)

QL: Thank you. Blake?

Blake C.: Um, I'm Blake and I live with my parents and my younger sister. (Deep breath) I have two dogs (eyes roll up like he's thinking hard and he starts counting off on his hand), two cats, a pig, a couple chickens, a rabbit, and a snake...and...I think that's it (He has a completely serious expression on his face)

QL: Alright. I..I..I think you win. [Her tone indicates she believes otherwise]

BC: (giggles like a schoolgirl in his pride)

QL: And is this pig a traditional pig or is this a perhaps potbelly pig or...?

BC: (He interrupts) Potbelly

QL: Is it really...I mean er...did...were you told it was and then it grew to be a big pig or is it really stay little?

BC: We got her when she was nine so...

QL: so she is a little pig...

BC: Yeah. She's...

QL: I'm told their highly intelligent.

BC: mmm hmmm.

QL: Thank you. Robert.

Robert: (talking like he has a mouth full of marbles) I...my namesRobertIlivewithmyparents and I have 2 dogs, a cat, and a turtle.

QL: And the...what turtle?

Robert: Turtle. (He nods his head definitively)

QL: Turtle. And the turtle's name is..?

R: Albus.

QL: Thank you. (Smiles indulgently) Let's go on with...um...a toss up in Chemistry.

and Scene.

How fucking awesome is that? I am going to try and get this little clip taped and put it up on here for all your viewing pleasure if at all possible. I'm lying. I'm way too lazy for that. So I won't get your hopes up. If you want to see it that desperately you could always come over to my house. It's on my DVR and I'm pretty much planning on keeping it forever.

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