Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Second Coming

I have been, for a good portion of my life, enamored by that amazing Yeats poem "The Second Coming". Maybe it was my upbringing in an apocalyptic cult that drives my fascination with this work, and particulary the identity of his "rough beast that slouches towards Bethlehem to be born", a monster that Yeats himself describes thusly: "a brazen winged beast which I associated with laughing, ecstatic destruction". It wasn't until lately that the face of this beast was revealed to me. And although this revelation is going to make me a nemesis of many, many people, I feel it is my civic responsibility to reveal this truth to you, no matter what the consequences. Read the first portion of the poem, and see if you can't figure it out.

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity

I'm sorry but it's true. Even you can't deny it any longer. "Twilight" is the anarchy loosed upon the world, a dime novel masquerading as valid literature; a creepy, doomed relationship fiction pretending to be a love story. I try so hard to decipher it's sly power, it's thick and unyielding hold on the vulnerable minds of girls and women everywhere. Yes, I am a book snob. I will readily admit this fact. But my words here are not draped in pretentious judgement. I read and enjoyed The Devil Wears Prada. I own a copy of The DaVinci Code. I have been known to read a romance novel here and there (okay maybe just the dirty parts). The point is, even though my definition of "book" or "reading" might differ slightly from some others, I am speaking now with a full, pure heart. I am well intentioned. We need to stop this madness now, before somebody really gets hurt.

Out of pure curiousity spurred on by the mania I have witnessed around me, most disturbingly which are comments overheard and read online that were made by grown women who readily admit to getting wet at the thought of a teenage vampire, I discovered the following forum. Folks, the "blood-dimmed tide is loosed" and truly the "ceremony of innocence is drowned" while the worst are full of passionate intensity.Under the thread tile "What would you do if twilight never existed?

Exhibit A (sad beyond belief)Miss L Lady: what would you do if twilight never existed?!?! omg i think i would die......lol....well maybe cry.....well i dunno prob cry then die lolomg....well i guess i wouldnt even know the difference, but now that i do if they would like take it away i think i would lose it

Exhibit B (Douchebag)Eric: If twilight didn't exist then I wouldn't be able to say "Yeah I saw the movie and I actually like twilight" and girls go awwwww that's so sweet, thereby making me more attractive to them. I would have to find other means of accomplishing that

Exhibit C, your honor (Oh that our youth would know that more than two book series exist in the world)Edwards Bro: If Twilight didn't exist I'd be rereading Harry Potter for the 1000th time. Oh, and what Eric said.

Exhibit D Bella Bella Bella: If Twilight didn't exist I would not have an unhealthy addictionAnd I would be rereading Harry Potter too, probably trying to read it in Spanish or Catalan. That's what I was doing right before I discovered Twilight, haha

Exhibit E OxSherrybaby:if it never existed i wouldn't have anything to look forward to

Exhibit F MissLWord:lol eric......im glad you admit that...but your right, i do think it would attract women....loli would be so sad...i think i would be reading anne rice......since i was going to anyway .....but i wouldnt know better bcause i wouldnt know what it is.....too bad edward doesnt exist in real life.....

Exhibit G Cullen Kid: if twilight diddnt exist then i wouldnt be madly in love with fictional characters... like...EDWARD!!!!!!! =)

Exhibit H Bella Swan Forever: I would definitely cry and die as well. And if twilight never exsisted i wouldn't have a life.If twilight never ever ever existed i would kill myself if it didn't ever get published. It is one of the best book/movie ever.

Exhibit I IheartEdward Cullen: If Twilight was never made... I would be a completely different person!Seriously.. 1. I would be re-reading Harry Potter for the 10,00th time! lol2. I wouldn't be obsessed over fictional characters like Edward!3. Edward wouldn't exist 4. I would be sad5. I wouldn't be dreaming about Edward Cullen all the time!6. I wouldn't like vampires!7. I wouldn't be boring my family with my constant Twilight talk!8. I would have no reason to live!It would be a sad... boring.. world

Objection! This witness is clearly insane! Overruled.

Exhibit J MissLWord (again):pretty much life would suck as we know it if twilight didnt exist..

Exhibit K AliceX: I'd probably have spent more time rereading HP for the millionth time, instead of taking time out to read the Twilight books. Same thing with discussing stuff and all that time spent on Skype reading Twilight. I'd have just spent that time discussing HP.

Exhibit L itswhitney: hahah well i mean i guess i wouldn't know about it so i wouldn't really know the difference..but i honestly don't think i would be as happy hahah not even kidding.since i started reading twilight i have been a happier person.and i wouldn't be friends with some of the people im friends with now.i wouldn't have the most AMAZING obsession ever.and i wouldn't know about rob pattinson.ahh now that would be a TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE thing.ohh and im SURE i would have a little more time on my hands that i now occupy with my obsession (:

New thread: You know you're obsessed with Twilight when...

Exhibit M TwilightLover:1)sit on the computer from 0:00am to the next day 1:00am looking at twilight vids and pics 2)talk about twilight non-stop when your supposed to be drawing a complicated table in maths3)planning to watch the movie 5 times in a row4)converting everyone i know into a twilight fanatic5)join every twilight forum that looks remotely good6)compare twilight characters to friends7)use twilight quotes in normal conversation8)burst out in giggles when someone unconsciously says something to do with twilight

Exhibit NZengrenouille: 14.) Your boyfriends keep breaking up with you, because they are sick of waking up to find that you rubbed glitter lotion on them while they slept. 15.) You know through trial and error that stripper glitter products are better than any other glitter products, because they stay on you boyfriend's skin the longest.16.) You actually wrote a paper on Twilight in you religions class.

I HATE you Zengrenouille. Objection, Counsel is badgering the witness! Sustained.

Exhibit O Orchid Springs: You know you're obsessed with Twilight when...17)When you know the exact number of days, hours, and seconds till the movie comes out18) When everything on your Christmas list is somehow related to Twilight19) When you buy a keyboard so that you can learn to play Bella's Lullaby20) When you try to find something Twilight related in every song you hear21) When Edward Cullen is on your Christmas list22) When you've read Twilight more than five times23) When you strained your eyes due to reading the books too much and now you need reading glasses (True story)I could go on, but I think this is enough. xD

I hate you too Orchard Springs. You're the worst person...Object...Withdrawn.

Exhibit P Choco-cream-puffz:24.) when you watch the movie trailer 10 times a day25.) when you memorized the movie trailer 25.) when you watch sponge bob and thinks it would be better if all of them were underwater vampires

Exhibit Qjillian 27:26.) when everytime it rains you wish edward will come to your school27.) when everytime you talk to your friends you talk about how perfect edward is28.) when you spend 12 hours a day rereading the twlight series

I can't go on. The prosecution rests. I am afraid for our youth. I am afraid for the world. This beast is mad powerful, the likes the world has never seen before.

The poem concludes:

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all around it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

The Second Coming is a perfect way of describing the anticipation for the Twilight movie and the insanity over this sparkly Edward Cullen blood sucking undead goth kid. Is this the new ideal man? Is it not enough for our men to be strong and kind? They now need to Sparkle in the Sun? If Todd started sparkling in the sun I'd beat him to death with a golf club. Seriously, I would freak the fuck out.

I am so tired, but rest eludes me. I am praying for "twenty centuries of stony sleep", because I don't know if I can go on living in a Twilight world. Which is truly what this is: endless dusk. A murky reality where people are lulled into believing something is tantamount to the Second Coming, when in reality its the brainchild of a bored Mormen housewife whose laughing her ass off all the way to fucking bank. God, I'll settle for one night of slumber, so for now I'm just going to treat my insomnia with a couple of sleeping pills and hope that in the morning Stephanie Meyer and all her damned sparkly, whiny creatures were just a bad, creepy dream.

P.S. I am not saying that reading or watching Twilight is in and of itself a bad thing. So please don't send me angry emails like "You're a bitch. I read Twilight and it's the greatest book ever!" I am merely commenting on the social phenomena that has unraveled before my very eyes, a phenomena that I frankly find weird and destructive.

1 comment:

  1. I have just downloaded iStripper, so I can have the best virtual strippers on my taskbar.

    ReplyDelete