Monday, February 18, 2008

I Am Not Meant For Womanhood

Current Mood: Looking on the Bright Side of Life

Well, well, well. To my surprise and delight, many have expressed dismay at my planned blog hiatus. While I certainly stand by my position to remain relatively quiet in regards to the negative aspects of my experience, I see no harm in sharing positive insights and anecdotes. So I decided to keep public the blogs that aren't so weighed down in the mire of my chaotic, pessimistic brain.

Last week, after my first fill, my boss' wife commented that I had the bust of a 12 year old girl. And I totally do! It got me thinking about this little poem I wrote when I was about 25, but looking all of 12. I had these scrawny arms and stick legs attached to this frail, puny torso. Amy used to call me a "lollipop". She said my tiny body made my head look huge. It makes me smile in a wicked way to think how afraid I was of womanhood then, even though I was literally knee deep in adulthood by that point. I fought that acceptance of myself as a woman so long and so hard...but in the end nature won. And I'm so glad it did. In the moments when I'm not cursing under my breath about what hurts, I really am very happy to be alive, and also blessed to have a better chance at living a long and happy life. But this poem, still, it makes me smile. It makes me remember who I was at that fixed point in time and what things I was fighting so hard to hold onto. And it reminds me how far I've come. Oh the irony to have breast buds at the age of 32 after that battle to remain a child in body and mind all those years. Or maybe its something only I can appreciate. Either way, here is the poem. I hope you like it.

I am not meant for womanhood
or the hassle of growing up
I'm built for hopscotch and skipping through life
for moonlit giggles and dreaming about being a bride
but not somebody's wife.
My little girl hands
are designed to handle little girl things
like faux but fab jewelry and red candy rings.
My hips are not the birthing hips
my mother said I'd get
but more for carrying baby dolls
and not the real ones yet.
I'd rather wear my sneakers
than silly old high heels
and I prefer a beat up bicycle
than a Volvo for my wheels.
If I could give up dollars
and credit cards, I would.
Then I could pay with candy
Which to me is just as good.
Instead of hours on a treadmill
to make my body slim
I'd play freeze tag with my neighbors
and hit the jungle gym.
In life there are things that we must do
like growing up and getting old.
Since God has said that I must to
I will do what I am told.
But while on the outside
I'll be doing what a good lady does
inside my head I'll always be
the little girl that I was.

Totally corny, huh? But it makes me smile. I hope it made you smile, too. Much love.

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