MADD (Mothers Against Damn Disney)

Some rants are a long time in the making. My anger about this particular issue has been brewing for, oh, about 20 years now. It's now reached boiling point and is bubbling over my cauldron like the foam that comes out of a boiling pot of spaghetti noodles when you leave it on the stove too long. What the fuck does Disney have against mothers? What is it Disney? What did we ever do to you? Because Fairy tale princess land is a dangerous fucking place for mothers.

Let's do a quick run down, shall we?

Snow White's Mom - Dead
Cinderella's Mom - Dead
Jasmine's Mom - Dead
Ariel's Mom - Dead
Belle's Mom - Dead
Pocahontas' Mom - Dead

I haven't seen Sleeping Beauty but I'm pretty sure her mom is dead, too. Would it kill them to show a human mother having some sort of positive impact on her daughter's life? Apparently it would. If there were actual, living mothers actively involved in these dumb ass princesses lives, they wouldn't have turned out to be such doe-eyed, naive, boy crazy, empty-headed imbeciles.

Now I love The Little Mermaid. When I watch it my daughter watches it, I sing the shit out of those songs. "What do they got? A lot of sand! We got a hot crustacean band!" I mean, is there any better lyric in the history of all lyrics than that? You know that scene where Triton uses his sceptre to destroy the statue of Prince Eric? Well, I guess we're supposed to feel all sorry for Ariel. Like her dad is so mean or something. And I used to feel that way, too. But now when I watch it, I think "Go Dad!" If I found Olivia had a life sized statue of some boy she liked in her bedroom, I'd smash that thing to little tiny pieces too. And then I'd take her to have some psychological counseling pronto. See, this is where Daddy Triton drops the damn ball.

Mommy Triton would have been ALL OVER a sixteen-year old girl who kept putting herself in constant danger to attract a man she's never even met before. Mommy Triton would have been all "Oh, HELL no, girl" and grounded her ass for going to the surface. Then guess what? No Ursula blackmailing a susceptible love-sick teenager. No threat to the whole way of life of all the undersea folk when her little plan goes awry. No marriage of a SIXTEEN YEAR OLD girl to man she barely knows at the end of the story. Instead, Ariel starts focusing on her academics and her natural musical talent. She graduates from high school with high honors, goes to college, becomes a successful musician. Now that's a happy ending.