Baby's Named A Bad, Bad Thing

"LOS ANGELES, Calif. -- Former "Bachelorette" Trista Sutter and husband Ryan are proud parents to a baby girl, People reported.

According to the mag, Blakesley Grace was born on Friday, weighing in at 6 lbs., 2 oz and is 19 inches long."

What the fuck kind of a name is Blakesley? That has to be one of the most horrible, nauseatingly ridiculous names I've heard in a long time. And people, there are tons of terrible names being saddled on babies every day. Happy Birthday! Here's a stupid, "uneekly" spelled moniker you'll have to explain and excuse for the rest of your life!

I knew I wasn't alone in my hatred of atrocious baby naming trends the day I found this wonderful blog called Baby's Named A Bad, Bad Thing. It helps to know I'm not the only one who cringes when reading the birth announcements in the paper, or hearing the new name of a co-worker's granddaughter. It's an unnatural, fuming distress I feel when someone tells me that they named their daughter Ryan or Owen. I have to stifle the urge to say, "Umm, why? That's a boy's name." I could maybe understand if there were some sort of shortage of beautiful female names. There is not. In fact, there are thousands upon thousands of rarely used girl names.

You know what else? I want to tear out my eyeballs with my bare hands when I see beautiful, traditional names butchered with weird spellings. Here's how I imagine the naming process goes.

"What about Ashley?"

"Well, that's a cute name. But it's too...I don't know, normal. I want my little girl to be different and unique. Let's spell it: Aashleigh."

"Wow. That's so edgy."

Except it's not edgy. It's stupid. It's still Ashley only it's spelled completely wrong. It makes me seethe. I've seen shit like this: Alyvya. Myshell. Tyffyny. I'm not kidding. I've seen that shit with my own eyes. There is a "Y" disease going around. Young mothers are especially vulnerable. There currently is no cure.

I'm not saying that we need to go back to the days when everyone was named John and Mary. A name doesn't have to be boring or uninteresting. I just wish people would stop making up names by pushing together random cutesy syllables, or rearranging great, traditional names into atrocious mockeries of the originals, or selecting surnames/occupation names for their children that have no linkage to their own family heritage. We're talking about a name. We're talking about a thing that someone will be carrying around with them for the whole of his or her childhood and teenage years, possibly his or her entire life. It's not about our vanity as parent. It's not a time to flex our creative muscle and get "crazy" and "artistic". Our names do not define us, but I can't help but think they could hurt us. Tyfyny just might not get the call for the job interview, while Katherine would. It is isn't fair. But that's life.

So you can add "name snob" to the growing list of my terrible qualities. I own it along with all the rest of them. I don't expect you to give a fuck about my opinion on modern trends in human nomenclature. But for the love of God, Buddha, the sun, or whatever else it is you're worshipping, please don't name your next child Neveah. I hate that name with the burning hot magma of a million trillion volcanoes, with the force of at least 10 atomic bombs, and possibly with the force of the big bang. That's a whole lot. The name Neveah needs to die a quick, painless death and all the children that have been saddled with it need to be released from their bondage and given sweet, sensible names like Eve or Lily or Sarah. Together we can rid the earth of this plague of "Neveah is heaven spelled backwards!1!!! Isn't it the kewlest name eva?" It's not even heaven spelled backwards. It's haeven spelled backwards. And isn't a backwards heaven more like hell? Anyway, I hate it. HATE.

For the very few that do give a fuck about my opinion, here are a few of my pretentious and arrogant naming rules.

1. You can't go wrong with a traditional name when it is assigned to the correct gender and, this is most important, spelled correctly.
2. Unusual names are fine if they are actual names and not just words (Bird, Apple, Chair, Moon) or made up with your ridiculous imagination. There are tons of amazing, beautiful names from various cultures and languages to choose from.
3. If you must name your child something weird or weirdly spelled, then at least have the decency to make this your child's middle name. Or, better yet just use the name for your pet. But not a cat. Cat's have low tolerance for bullshit names. Try naming your cat Apple and see how quickly it starts pissing all over your carpet.
4. If you MUST use a surname as a first name, could you at least try to use a family name? And please don't burden your daughter with a surname for a first name. There's really no need for a girl to be named Walker or Jackson. That's just wrong.

This is all the bitch I have left in me. Seriously, I've been so preoccupied with living that I haven't had much time for bitching and moaning and acting like my opinions actually matter in the scheme of things. And that's a damn shame.