You know what our liquor store in my neighborhood is called? The Wine & Spirits Shoppe. I hate people that spell shop in that old-timey way. Is that supposed to be quaint? Like a throw back to the good old days? There was nothing good or quaint about the days of yore. The days of yore were rife with racists, misogynists, and horse shit. I hate the good ole days. I hate people who spells things old-timey. You know what I don't hate though? Spirits. I love me some good fucking spirits.
It wasn't until recently that a very small number of our Wine & Spirits stores were even open on Sundays. Most Pennsylvanians are forced to teetotal on the Sabbath, or at the very least observe the commandment: Thou Shalt Not Purchase Spirits on the Seventh Day. It used to be easier to buy crack on a Sunday, than a bottle of wine. Some of us got up in arms about that. I don't know what could be a more un-American activity than preventing a person from buying a bottle of Whiskey on his day off.
Yet another obstacle: Pennsylvania law decrees that thou shall not sell Liquor and Beer at the same store. You have to buy your Heinekens at a completely different place than you buy your vodka.
My mother-in-law, who is from Florida, just can't get over our unjust and inconvienent system of alcohol dispensation.
"How can you stand not being able to purchase a bottle of wine when you buy your groceries?"
"Somehow, someway, I have survived. That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
Do you think the fact that this bothers me so much means that I'm an alcoholic in the making? I can't claim the title yet, as I only drink on the weekends. A few things would have to happen for me to start imbibing enough to achieve alcoholic status.
1. Someone else I love dies
2. My doctor stops prescribing me good painkillers
3. Someone invents a fool-proof hangover cure
So that would be the alcoholic "big bang" for this girl. The hangover thing has been a deal breaker for me so far. Last summer, I went to the city to "party" with my girlfriend, Tina (who I only tried to kill once), and apparently had the time of my life. I don't remember a single thing after taking one giant hit off a blunt offered to me by some guy. Tina came up to me right as I'm standing in the huge cloud of smoke I just exhaled from my baby pink lungs.
"Gwennie...What have you done?"
"I just did one hit. It's no big deal." That's all I remember other than the following montage of images.
Me asking, "Am I being weird? I feel weird."
Me drinking. And drinking. And fucking drinking.
Me bent over a handrail in front of a Philadelphia apartment building, hurling.
There are no words to describe the horror of awakening to a new day. The only thing that would have made it worse is having Robin Williams' smug mug at my bedside.
"So what happened?" I whispered to Tina. She was sitting on the couch with some of my other friends, watching I Survived, and eating breakfast empanadas.
"You had a really good time."
"Was I weird?"
"The only thing weird was that you kept asking if you were being weird. Empanada?"
My stomach protested, violently. "Ummm. No. I only had ONE hit. ONE. How could this happen? What was in that shit?"
"Gwen, let this be a lesson to you. Never smoke anything handed to you by a shady black guy at one of my parties. NEVER. It will fuck you up."
Consider me fucking schooled. If I hadn't taken that hit, I wouldn't have drank so much. Weed is whack. My whole evening could have been an Above the Influence commercial. I love those commercials. They make me laugh and laugh and laugh. Especially when I'm high. But, seriously, hangovers are like tiny glimpses of Hell. I should get used to it, because I have a feeling that's where I'm fucking headed.
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I used to live in NY and was so annoyed when I couldn't buy my beer with my frozen pizza.
ReplyDeleteMissouri rocks for buying booze anywhere.
Oh and since I discovered that if I take two ibuprofen and drink a glass of water I wake up feeling fine... It's been bad news.
You wouldn't be going to hell for hangovers and substance abuse, you'd be going because you say "fuck" all the time. That and drinking Kendall Jackson Merlot. I'm pretty sure that's in the bible.
ReplyDeletetagged you at www.wellreadhostess.com
ReplyDeleteChris - I know. I KNOW. Drinking the KJ is a criminal act. But I just can't afford Jordan every single weekend.
ReplyDeleteBetsey - see the Ibuprofen thing I've tried. Nothing humans have come up with thus far have worked on my hangovers. I even tried morphine for that shit. (I had morphine prescribed during my reconstruction.)
WRH - I hope you don't live to regret tagging me. I'm a bad, bad girl. But thanks for liking me anyway!
I remember the day I fell in love with the city of Chicago was the day I realized I could get a shot in my coffee at the coffee shop. Like our plaque~ I'll have a grande mocha vodka valium latte to go please. You can get that in Chicago.. almost.
ReplyDeleteThis is why I love you Alisha. You GET me. And that plaque is my most favorite thing ever. I mean besides my actual grande mocha vodka valium latte. And you can have exactly that. I will show you how to ground the Valium into a fine powder. :) See you tonight!!!!
ReplyDeleteDude, I'm two miles from Jersey!
ReplyDeleteNutmeg - I'm about a 20 minute drive to NJ. Which I guess isn't that bad. I mean I used to make the drive before our liquor store decided that they could accomodate the local lushes for a few hours on a Sunday.
ReplyDeleteYeah, like Alisha says: there will never be a booze shortage in this city. I live in a small church-filled Ukrainian neighborhood, and if time were distance and expanded radially, I've got thirteen bars within a seven-minute walking radius.
ReplyDeleteWe take this shit seriously.
I know - PA is trying to kill me. Because when you have kids, one-stop shopping is a must. But I can't do that because of the PA liquor laws. And I have no choice - I need my booze, because I have kids. It's a never-ending cycle of suck.
ReplyDeleteHere in Franklin I can only get beer at grocery stores and gas stations. And if you buy a tall boy at the gas station, they'll put it in one of those little brown bags so no one knows you're sipping on a PRB at the stoplight. I can only get wine and bourbon at the liquor store and NOT AT ALL ON SUNDAY. But I can buy beer on Sunday. Somehow, it's less sinful to drink beer than bourbon. I think Jesus said that in Mark 3:14.
ReplyDeletePBR--duh. No one drinks PRB tall boys anymore.
ReplyDeleteHIF - You can't even buy beer at grocery stores or gas stations in PA. There are separate stores for that. It's so bizarre to me. What is the point?
ReplyDeleteGina - I hear you, girl. My sentiments exactly.
The sad twisted reason I will always chose painkillers over alcohol? Calories. Swigging back a couple of Vicodin is never going to give me a fat(fatter) ass. Yeah, I said it, and yes, I'm unhealthily preoccupied with the size of my ass. Now where is my prescription pad?
ReplyDeleteOh for crapsake people! Stick with the plan! If you are willing to use copious amounts of mood and mind altering chemicals for something like a decade straight your system breaks down and you can get completely drunk on one beer. I'm not kidding! It's great! Well, until you realize it's time to go to a 12-step program. But, you know, I'm just tryin' to help!
ReplyDeleteFF - you are right. I'd rather take a percocet than drink a beer for the reason you have stated. I am unhealthily preoccupied with the size of my ass too.
ReplyDeleteMong girl - You know what else can get you drunk off one beer? Not eating like all day. Here's the algebraic formula: Empty stomach + 1 beer = Trashed.
Okay.... 1, I had no idea you were in the greater Philadelphia area. I am too. At least, I usually am. Right now I'm on vacation in Florida, so feel free to ransack my house while I'm gone. The really good shit's in the basement, in the crawl space under the addition out back.
ReplyDelete2, "You can't even buy beer at grocery stores or gas stations in PA. There are separate stores for that. It's so bizarre to me. What is the point?"
The point, my new imaginary internet friend, is the middle name of the Pennsylvania L.C.B., aka the Liquor CONTROL Board. Doing things this way, they get a lot more applications (read "fees") for liquor licenses (the only way to sell alkyhall on Sunday in PA for years). It ain't about morality. It may have started that way, but it ain't now. It's about taxes and revenue and fines and all of that shit.
3. I don't think hell (in the theological sense) exists. But you just might discover that a morning with a hangover is as close as you are likely to get.
I'm a huge fan of gas station convenience stores and will go out of my way for a good one. There's one on the way to my favorite summer vacation spot that sells cheap everything .... booze, smokes, gas, Christmas decorations, and every kind of snack food under the sun. All of my favorite things! If they had a hotel room, I'd be happy to just stay there.
ReplyDeleteBooze and the chronic DO NOT MIX. Learned the hard way.
ReplyDeleteAlso, here in my neck of FLA, we can't buy booze on Sundays, and we can't buy the hard stuff except in liquor stores. Wine and beer they sell in convenience and grocery stores, though. I remember rushing out on Saturday night before midnight to stock up for Sunday.
ReplyDeleteMy husband has abandon me and the kids for the the past 8months now, and refuse to come back because he was hold on by a woman whom he just met, for that, my self and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but I decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then I went online there I saw so many good talk about this spell caster whose email is onimalovespell@gmail.com so I had to contact him and explain my problem to him and in just 3days as he has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man i got married to. I cant thank the spell caster enough for what he did for me, i am so grateful and i will never stop to publish his name on the internet for the good work he has done for me,once again his email is onimalovespell@gmail.com
Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony.My husband breakup with me 2 months ago after (10) years of marriage just because he met another woman in his working place and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web for help, i saw a post on how this spell caster Dr Trust on this email Ultimatespellcast@gmail.com@gmail.com,on how he have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply and explain my problems to him to his email and he cast a love spell for me which i use to get my husband back from the wicked woman who took him away from me and after 3 days my husband come back to me.I believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband. Thanks for Dr. Trust. His email: Ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or Ultimatepsellcast@yahoo.com
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ReplyDeleteAfter 10 years relationship with my boyfriend, he changed suddenly and stopped contacting me regularly, he would come up with excuses of not seeing me all the time. He stopped answering my calls and my sms and he stopped seeing me regularly. I then started catching him with different girls friends several times but every time he would say that he love me and that he needed some time to think about our relationship. But after l contacted Dr.okaya of spell cast temple he cast a love spell and after a day, my boyfriend started contacting me regularly and we moved in together after a few months and he was more open to me than before and he started spending more time with me than his friends. We eventually got married and we now have been married happily for 3 years with a son. Ever since Dr. okaya of okayaspellhelp@yahoo.com OR OKAYASPELLHELP@GMAIL.COM helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before
ReplyDeleteMy Name is Griffin regina, From United States. I wish to share my testimonies with the general public about what this man called Dr OKAYA has just done for me, this man has just brought back my lost Ex husband to me with his great prayers, I was married to this man called williams we were together for a long time and we loved our self's but when I was unable to give him a child for 2 years he left me and told me he can't continue anymore then I was now looking for ways to get him back until a friend of mine told me about this man and gave his contact email, then you won't believe this when I contacted this man on my problems he prayed and bring my lost husband back, and after a month I miss my month and go for a test and the result stated I am pregnant am happy today am a mother of a baby girl, thank you once again the great Dr OKAYA at OKAYASPELLHELP@GMAIL.COM
for what you have done for me, if you are out there passing through any of this problems listed below: (1) If you want your ex back. (2) if you always have bad dreams. (3) You want to be promoted in your office. (4) You want women/men to run after you. (5) If you want a child. (6) You want to be rich. (7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever. (8) If you need financial assistance. (9) How you been scammed and you want to recover you lost money (10) Cure for HIV AND all sickness - you can contact him via: email: OKAYASPELLHELP@GMAIL.COM
Hello I am CHIZZY PEACE ,I am out here to spreed this good news to the entire world on how I got my ex love back.I was going crazy when my love left me for another girl last month, But when i meet a friend that introduce me to DR ADAGBA the great messenger to the oracle that he serve,I narrated my problem to Dr Adagba about how my ex love left me and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,In the next 2 days,My love called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me before now and also in the next one week after my love called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in my desired company were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact DR ADAGBA at the following email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on: adagbaspiritualtemple@yahoo.com. and get your problems solve like me..... ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: adagbaspiritualtemple@yahoo.com
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