Thursday, October 23, 2008

Suicide is Painless

I've been thinking a lot lately about morbid things. And also about things that I hate. It's been a while since I've written anything for you all to suffer through. Mostly because I've been having difficulty putting my thoughts into any cohesive order, but also because most of what I think is none of anybody's damn business. Oh, but I kid. I really do believe thoughts are meant to be shared, no matter how random or scary or bizarre. We live in a fucked up universe full of fucked up people. Doesn't it help to feel less alone in all that fucked-up-ness?

You want to know what I hate right now? I want to say this right, because its important to me, but I'm not sure I can really put into words exactly what it is and why I am so annoyed. You know the montage of images that are always shown in the beginning of television shows? Along with the theme song there is this onslaught of smiling faces of all the characters. Smiling face. Smiling face. Smiling face. Oooh sad face followed by a hug. Smiling face. Silly antic. Smiling face. After a while, I get nauseous. This is the beginning of the process. Eventually my nausea gives way to an overwhelming desire to destroy things. And the final stage is a complete loss of all will to live.

The worst opening montage of all is for The Hills. Especially the one snippet where you see models getting dressed for a fashion show and THEIR BONES ARE STICKING OUT all over the place and I guess I'm supposed to feel all inspired by these Halloween skeletons to "feel the rain on my skin" when honestly I think that would be pretty painful when you have no fatty tissue whatsoever to cushion the fall of said raindrops. La La La - No one else can do it for you, only you can let it in. You know what else no one can do for you? Eat food. And also stop dating that asshat Justin Bobby guy with the weird hats and even weirder tics. Jesus Christ. Okay, we all had one of them, I guess. And they are young. And I was just as stupid about Keith as any of them are about all their jerks. But it doesn't stop me from wanting to wring their scrawny little necks when they whine about how bad they're being treated whilst chewing tiny bites of food. It would be okay with me if they just fucking admitted that they liked being treated like shit. The one that really grates is Heidi with her one billion tons of make up and her emotionally abusive fiance and her extraterrestrial ability to morph into an entirely different person within the span of a single year. She looks like a mannequin. I hate her guts.

And theme music in general is downright insidious (the dictionary so perfectly defines this word as harmful but enticing). I haven't seen Family Ties in about 20 years but that Sha La La La at the end of it's theme song still works it's way into my mind eating valuable brain cells like a tape worm at regular intervals. And Full House. God. Full House. "What ever happend to predictability?" What ever happened to song lyrics that made sense and didn't make we want to invent a time machine, go back to the dawn of man's cultural awareness, and murder the neanderthal who liked the sound of two sticks tapping together before he could go share it with the rest of the clan? Honestly, there is some music that makes me wish there was never music. But there are some theme songs that I absolutely adore. Silver Spoons. Here we are, face to face, a couple of silver spooons... Love it. So I bought Tina a CD one year for Christmas that had a bunch of TV theme songs on it. One of the songs was called "Suicide is Painless" and I thought what kind of fucked up show was that the theme song of? Turns out its that doo doo doooo doo doo doo song from MASH. That show definitely makes me want to commit suicide if I ever see it for a few minutes by accident, with that frizzy haired lady and Hawkeye trying to be funny around makeshift operating room tables. Compared to watching that show, suicide IS painless. But I think it really depends on the suicide.

Yeah, I know. Totally heavy subject. Here's the thing. I saw this episode of Dr. Phil called "The Bridge" and it was about this guy who did a documentary where he taped footage of people jumping off the Golden Gate bridge. It is seriously one of the creepiest things. You'll be happy to know (I'm assuming) that I could never jump off of a bridge. I don't know why anyone would pick that as the way to go. Like, hey moron, how about an overdose of opiates so you can go out feeling momentary, albeit artificial, pleasure? Yeah, your life sucks but does that mean you have to end it in such a craptastic way? But I guess you can't be thinking too straight if you're offing yourself anyway.

So then I start thinking about the note: that final note that most people write to explain or apologize to the loved ones left behind. What does one say? I think I would die of old age before I could ever decide what my final words would be. I would seriously obsess about the grammar, the content, the eloquence. I would spend so much time on that damn note that I would probably end up forgetting why I wanted to commit suicide in the first place. I wonder if anybody ever just wrote "You should have treated me better". Heh. There was this couple on the show whose daughter committed suicide after they got in a fight and her mom said "You should start being more grateful. Because with all the money we're going to be spending on your college tuition, me and your father could be taking a trip around the world every year". And then they grounded her. And then she jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. I think she over-reacted just a tad. But I really wonder what her note said. Maybe she wrote: "Mom and Dad, Have fun on your trip around the world! Love, Megan" That would have been awesome. I mean the whole thing is a fucking tragedy. I feel super sad for all involved, but I can also be a little objective about it because I don't know these folks. The moral of this little story is, if you're going to go all bat-shit crazy and kill yourself at least try and find a way to be cool about it.

So now is the serious portion, where I have to go all PC and say "Suicide - Don't Do It" ala Heathers. Seriously, you all. There is nothing cool about slit wrists, OD's, or nooses. But sometimes when I hear about things so terrible, I have to find a way to laugh about it. Otherwise, I would start crying and just never stop. You'd find me in a fetal position in a dark room working on my "Note" by way of candlelight. So let me laugh about suicide, and crappy theme songs, and don't go all after-school special on me. Okey dokey?

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