The Five People You Fuck In Heaven

By all popular accounts, heaven sounds like a snoozefest. Pure, celibate angels and fluffy white clouds? Come on people, we can do better than that! I'm not a true believer in an "afterlife". I want to believe it, since Amy is dead, and especially lately since I've started plotting my own murder. I'm trying to convince myself that heaven is, first of all, a real place and, second of all, a lot more ridiculously fun place than has ever been imagined. Maybe it's one big party where we're all sexy ghosts, getting drunk on the best beer and liquor God's omnipotence can buy and high on the purest, most mind blowing drugs. And also an orgy. I thought I'd make a list of the people I am going to fuck when I enter the proverbial pearly gates.

1. Kurt Cobain - I hope in heaven he keeps his angst, because truth be told it was the sexiest thing about him. I loved his greasy, devil may care hair, his frumpy flannels, the way he wore his heart on his sleeve. He was an amazing artist who spoke to my desperate teenage soul. He made me feel less alone in the world in 1993, like it was normal to be writing shitty poetry and cutting myself and in a salty mood all the time. I'd really like to pay him back with at least a blow job for that.

2. James Dean - If you've ever seen East of Eden or Rebel Without a Cause then you know what I'm talking about. I'd want to role play. He would be Cal Trask and I'd be that cute girl who used to date his brother. Hot.

3. River Phoenix - I had the biggest crush on him since Stand by Me. I know he was really young then, but it's okay because so was I.

4. Anais Nin - I don't know. I might be bi. How does one know for sure? Anais was the first woman I ever fantasized about and could you really blame me? Her erotica is just stellar and dirty and everything erotica should be. I'd love to smoke some opium and let her teach me in the ways of Sapphic love. (Have you read Delta of Venus? It was the book I hid under my pillow and held countless fodder for many a masturbatory fantasy. Also, Henry and June. Was that a true story? Henry Miller could get it, too.)

5. Jesus - I know he hates me and all but that just makes the prospect of sex with him even hotter. I grew up on Jesus; I knew Jesus better than I knew myself. I'm not talking about the weak, skinny, bleeding Christ on a cross so regularly seen in Christian literature and the like. I'm talking about Jesus, the fucking man. I think my unabashed desire has a lot to do with the fact that I like beards. And also because this is the type of Jesus I was exposed to in my formative years:

Pretty hot, right? Angry Jesus. Mmmm. I found this picture in my old My Book of Bible Stories, which is what I was forced to study as a child. Here's just a few of the reasons why I'd fuck his Messianic brains out:

He's good with kids:

He can fly.

Jesus has got some game:

He can heal you of your every ill with his mad skills. Plus he makes wine out of water.


He isn't afraid of a little man on man love:

He throws a mean dinner party:

I'm a little touched in the head right now. Maybe always. I realize that I'm probably going to Hell now when I die. I mean, if there is one. That sucks but it's still better than here.

So, who are the five people you'd fuck in heaven?