I know Facebook is supposed to be about bringing people together, reconnecting with old friends, staying close with members of the family that live far away, but lately it just makes me want to punch people in the face. Honestly, there are only a handful of status updates or comments I read on there that don't make my fist itch something awful.
It came to the forefront last week when Michael Jackson died and all this shit sort of went down. There was like this whole big ugly feud that lasted for centuries. One camp was saying he was a child molester and they were glad he was dead. The other was saying that if you think that you're an asshole. I fell on the side of the latter, though I opted to stay out of it entirely and refused to exchange verbal barbs. I have a hard enough time keeping from jumping off the Betsy Ross Bridge. Fighting about Michael Jackson is really low on the totem pole of my priorities.
What's really bothering me a lot is the ridiculous status updates. Check out this shit:
Life is not about what happens to you, but what you do with what happens to you.
What the fuck does that even mean? Why does every single person with a Facebook account suddenly become a philosophizer? You work at Macy's, stop trying to teach me the meaning of life. Half the shit these people post is just meaningless "inspirational" words strung together into some circular logic pattern. And what's worse is that everybody encourages it. I see all these comments like: Ain't that the truth. Hell yeah! That's a great quote! I usually just say: What do you mean? There is never a reply.
You know what else makes my blood boil? All these groups people start and join. Why the hell would I want to join a group called I Love Taco Bell? I've never eaten a food I liked enough to join a fucking club for it. What does one discuss in a Taco Bell group? Well, I did some investigating and here you go:
went crazy over TB when it first opened here in the philippines about 4 years ago. sadly, it still hasn't added all that many branches since then. i still dont have one close to my area. and takeout is out of the question coz i dont want my taco shells soggy!
love that taco bell.
taco bell rocks ;)it´s just tacobellicious whahaah XD
Had some last night
Riveting. I really want for these people to get a fucking life. Or die. Whichever comes first woul be fine with me. The truth is, if I think you have no life then you have a pretty serious problem as I spend half of my life sitting on a couch and the other half sleeping on one.
There are just so many fucking stupid groups. I remember when people were joining "Addicted to Facebook" groups. I'm joining a group about being addicted to Facebook...on Facebook! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...No.
Suddenly people were Fans of everything. Fans of cats. Fans of cars. Fans of loving their parents. It was ludicrous. I would get invites from friends to become a fan of hating cancer. Well, what if I love cancer? What about that? How can people be so insensitive?
The birthdays. Oh the fucking birthdays. There's a girl right now that is begging for me to beat her to a pulp.
UPDATE: 6 days until my SUPER birthday and only 5 days until my good friend Brian C*rr's birthday...never forget the FUN guy!
5 days until the day of my birth and only 4 days until Bri Bri the Fun guys - Booked our tickets for September - see you all soon!
The birthday festivities have begun FUN FUN FUN...even though my birthday isn't until Wednesday...sorry I am so special hahahahaha!
The only birthday present she can expect from me is a broken jaw and possible facial reconstruction. Is it just me or does this girl have a pathological excitement about her birthday? I could see if it was a person like me who never got to celebrate her birthday her entire childhood because of some weird religious cult her mother made her join, but she is a regular 30 something woman.
When I first joined Facebook I started getting a bunch of "martinis" and "coffees" and all kinds of shit. I thought, "Cool. Somebody sent me a present". Only it wasn't a present. It was a fucking tease. What the fuck am I supposed to do with a Bloody Mary I can't get drunk off of? What is the point of that nonsense? I know I sound ungrateful but... I am ungrateful. Don't send me meaningless shit. One of my friends actually sent me an STD. I think it was herpes. The fact that there is even an application on Facebook that allows something like that to be sent scares me but also intrigues me. What if I could actually send plagues out to people through my Facebook account? Would I? I'd reserve those punishments only for people who talk about how great they are on their status updates. I have a friend who commits heinous acts on Facebook everyday. She philosophizes meaninglessly. She talks non-stop about her amazing qualities. She is also the queen of saying things that a million people have already said. Here is a sampling:
...RIP Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett & Ed Mcmahon......why does it always come in three's?...
As my sister pointed out in a private email (we always make fun of people privately. It's just the right thing to do), what about David Carradine? People die every fucking day. It doesn't come in threes no matter how many times you want to say it does.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
No, there's enthusiasm alright. Wait til I show you just how much enthusiasm there is in my depression when I bash your skull into a million pieces.
says Happy Fathers Day to all you REAL dads out there....Since I'm both mom & dad to my boys, I'm claiming this day for myself too
Yeah, I get it. You're amazing.
misses the rain today (insert sarcasm here)...
Oh now you went and crossed a line (insert violent kick to your teeth here)
The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be JUST like you..."
No. Sometimes people just hate you because of the shit you write on Facebook.
The world ain't all sunshine & rainbows. It's a very mean place. It will beat you to your knees & keep you there permanently, if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit & keep moving forward, how much you can take & keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"
If you weren't my friend I'd murder you. At my trial, this quote would be exhibit A and I'd get off scot-free.
still hates men...but I'm not going to let them bring me down. I'll get mine in the end...
If you hate men then why do you want one? And is just me or is that last part a little bit on the creepy side? It makes me think she has a bunch of corpses buried under the shed in her backyard.
I'm being cruel. I know this. These people are sort of my friends but not really. It's like I knew them at some point in my life but I don't hang out with them anymore. I mean this girl gave me all those Julie Garwood romance novels that I used to masturbate to in high school. The problem is that she still reads Julie Garwood romance novels and I don't. Ok. I do. But not on purpose. Sometimes you find yourself in bed reading a Julie Garwood paperback novel and you have your hand down your underwear and you're like "How the hell did I get here and why am I having an orgasm?" It happens.
Facebook is reminding me why it is that I stopped being friends with people in the first place. I can't be trusted to have friends. I have a mean bone in my body. Lots of them. Of course I have a few loyal Facebook minions that make going back there worthwhile. Tina, who I only tried to kill once. Jodi, the only sister I have left. Alisha, the only sister-in-law I have left who doesn't make me feel like shit because I don't run marathons. I even founded a couple of groups on there - An ex-Jehovah's Witness group and a group for people to post their kid's ugly drawings. The only group I saw fit to join that wasn't started by me is Punching Stupid People in The Face. What do we talk about?
Stupidity should be painful
It used to be until they started putting warning labels on stuff.
These are my people.
5 hours ago
Posts
18 comment(s):
I am sick to death of the Michael Jackson stuff. I'm not GLAD he's dead, but I don't really care all that much one way or another.
And facebook makes me want to stab people sometimes. Between the goddamn pillow fights (I respond with death threats) and the virtual drinks (please - if you want to buy me a drink, show up on my porch with some rum) - oy.
But the thing that irritates me the most is the lollipops. I have a "friend" on there who keeps putting them up on her page, all "come suck my lolly" "come have a lick". Gross. If I am going to suck anything, it sure as hell isn't going to be her fucking lolly.
This is the best post I've read in weeks. You're amazing . . .
Look me up on Facebook; I promise, no gifts, hugs, smiles, or Bloody Marys.
Aaand now I'm terrified to update my status.
There are days when I am perilously tempted to log in as one of my sisters, and tell people that their statuses are dumb, and their babies are ugly and their asses look fat in those pants.
But then I don't.
"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...No."
susan is stil snorting over this and is going to start using it at least twice a day in general conversation.
Love this post. Love you. Facebook? Meh. I'm over it.
I mostly only change my Facebook status when I feel an overwhelming compulsion to refer to myself in the third person. So, yeah, about once a week.
Great post, Gwen. Zen approves. :)
"You work at Macy's, stop trying to teach me the meaning of life."
No fucking shit. I hate Facebook. I recently culled all these people from high school that I hadn't spoken to in 20 years and have no interest in ever talking to again. They were racist, fascist morons then and they're racist, fascist morons now.
I'm sadder about Billy Mays than Michael Jackson.
Some girl who goes to my school posted this whole long note about what a beautiful singer he was and oo, how he changed her life and how much she loooooooves the eighties and even if you didn't love him you have to like MJ because he was a god amongst mean. Then all the Black Student Union kids commented like "I'm so sad he died oh at least he left us his beautiful work he's in a better place."
ooo, my apologies. that sounded kind of racist.
I can't be on Facebook. I don't care about people enough to see their abbreviated nonsense.
I like blogs, and blogging. I don't like the FB bullshit.
I seriously have to step away from facebook sometimes because it makes me want to murder kittens. I don't think I would go on there any more if I was no longer able to make snide remarks about people privately to you and Alisha.
My absolute worst annoyance is when people make statements about current events and try to appear smart and well read but they really don't have a clue what they are talking about except what their local Fox station told them to think. "Bernie Maddoff can rot in hell!" "Korea is declaring war on us!" "Obama's a terrorist!"
I think I want to friend you on facebook now.
Gina - Word on everything you said. I liked your MJ post today.
Cheek of God- I think you're pretty amazing too. I'm glad we're friends on Facebook now. I need some normal people on there who don't make me want to hurl and murder kittens.
Ginny - Don't be afraid of me. I wouldn't make fun of YOU. I actually do have an alter ego Facebook page. I don't even know why I created it exactly. What's weird is that I've had a few people friend request it. Strange.
Susan - Thanks! I do often use that in conversation, you know where I laugh all convincingly and then just stop and say No. It's very effective in making people feel like a dumbass. I think I must have heard someone else do it before because I'm not that funny or creative by nature. So feel free to use it yourself in any situation that you feel it is necessary.
Zen Mom - I really do like to know when you approve of me. So thanks :) I go through phases where I update my status a lot and then sometimes never. I get uncomfortable with the way it's set up that I'm supposed to talk about myself in the third person. So I usually just start out with "I..." I know it's wrong but I feel like I don't have a choice.
A Free Man - Yep. It is so disappointing for me to discover that I used to know so many disgusting people and not even realize it. I'm just glad I've come to my senses in my old age.
Geo - Don't worry, I know you're not a racist. I'm sad that MJ died because he's a person and I liked his music. But it's not effecting my day to day life. I think if a celebrity dying impacts someone's life so much then he or she might have some kind of psychological problem that needs tending.
Lora - I started out blogging on Facebook and Myspace. I don't know if I would have ever started either account if I had started blogging on Blogger.
Jodi - Yeah, I get the feeling that I want to kill kittens to a lot after I read Facebook. It makes me that evil. But I do love the other aspect that you described. And it really is a study on human nature and behavior, which I kind of love.
LB - yay! a new Facebook friend that is actually cool.
Ummm er eeee.. I really hope none of those people read your blog. :/
I hope all of those people do read your blog. Then they'd all see what morons they are.
The poblem with out society is we only talk about what a moron someone is behind his/her back instead of telling them to their face.
i delete all that shite.
actually, if it weren't for the fact that my blog and my twitter both feed to facebook, i wouldn't actually be there. well, except for scrabble...
So, can I friend you now?
Please?
Let me know if you cannot find me.
I promise not to make you join weird groups.
I hate Facebook, but I got sucked back in recently. It's insidious! And so very, very trivial. I prefer Twitter, which is still trivial but somehow more enjoyable.
I belong to the sushi fan club, because, hey, I fucking love me a piece of salmon nestled beautifully atop of some rice.
Seriously, though, this post nearly made me spit my coffee out. Great, great lines in here.
Thanks for that. I very much enjoyed reading it as facebook has been irritating me a lot recently.
My current status is *poopoo kaka to you too!*
Just because I thought I'd have a status too...
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